[FanFiction] Aaron - Multi-Verse travler

Reserved for characters, spoilers, and worlds

Coming soon

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Marvel

The Last Airbender

Crossed

Green

cheesezwheel a dit :
Haruhitastic a dit :
So wait, is this someone else's series or your own story/plot/idea?

This is my own story. It has alot of copyrighted stuff because the verses will be based of TV shows/Movies/Comic books, etc.

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[Modéré par Calysis, raison : Double post. Double and triple posting for reserving information isn't needed since you can use tabs! :)]

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[Modéré par Calysis, raison : Triple post. If you have anything to add to your posts, please use the edit option by clicking your name or avatar.]

So wait, is this someone else's series or your own story/plot/idea?

Haruhitastic a dit :
So wait, is this someone else's series or your own story/plot/idea?

This is my own story. It has alot of copyrighted stuff because the verses will be based of TV shows/Movies/Comic books, etc.

Ah! I see. I just wanted to clarify since fanfiction is a term for fanworks~
Interested in reading more. Young writers warm my heart.

Haruhitastic a dit :
Ah! I see. I just wanted to clarify since fanfiction is a term for fanworks~
Interested in reading more. Young writers warm my heart.

Oh good.

Feedback would be nice

Yal can suggest worlds if u like. If you want to do art for this fan fiction then please message me w/ some of your works.

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[Modéré par Calysis, raison : Double post. Please edit your posts instead!]

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Feedback as in critiques or just in general feedback? I had some things I wanted to point out but I didn't know if it'd be okay. I like helping young writers too sor

#10

@Haru any feedback is fine..

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#11

Alright, sorry for the delay.
I've spoilered everything so I don't clutter your thread.

will edit w chapter 1 in a mo

#12

Haruhitastic a dit :
Alright, sorry for the delay.
I've spoilered everything so I don't clutter your thread.

Prologue
So, the first thing I noticed is the English is kind of...stiff? I can't think of a nice way to put it outside of the fact that it reads as someone who is not a native or heavily fluent English speaker. If you're not, that's fine, I just wanted to alert you. Phrases like "I am the age 15" (which ftr you should write out numbers less than 100) and " i am one of those very depressing people you ever meet" make it the most obvious.
("I'm fifteen years old," "I'm one of the most depressing people you'll ever meet.")

You're also seemingly allergic to commas, which make a story flow far better.
The prologue also feels like it jumps from one thought to another, which also makes it feel very stilted.
I went ahead and rewrote the first paragraph to how I think it should read~

Hello, my name is Aaron Ramone and I'm fifteen.
My life sucks, more or less. I live in New York, which is cool, but I'm an orphan and I have no idea who my parents are. I'm one of the most depressing people you will meet, but the one thing that keeps me looking up is that I was born with a gift.
The gift of the power of,,,everything!
Even though it sounds cool and limitless, there's somethings I can't do.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, proofread! Proofreading is super important. I see so many typos that could've been easily fixed, such as no caps on "I" and spelling "you" as just the letter. These don't really sit well with me :x

will edit w chapter 1 in a mo

Umm ok thx

#13

Surry delete

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#14

New story - same theme

Chapter 1 - The Dream

Was this a dream? Was it a nightmare? Or simply was it my fears trying to torture me. Trying to make me feel like the someone i ain't, someone who'll never be.

I was at this house but it was old and broken down. I was walking towards the houses holding someone hands. By the way his hands was shaking i could tell he's scared. So we reached the front door and i pushed the doorknob. There were no sounds, just silence as wait for someone to open the door. Instead, the door just opened with no one on the other side. So i went in, curious about what could happen next.

Before i could continue forward i heard a loud scream like someone was trying to get to me. Before you know it everything started to fade away and and getting brighter.

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#15

Chapter 2 - The Move

Alex...Alex...Alex...AALLEX!!!

All of a sudden i was in a room. The room was filled with dark walls, dark dressers, and dark clothes all over the place. I was in my room. As i was lying in my bed i noticed a tall 40 year old woman giving me the death stare. This 40 year old lady is my foster mom.She's the most moodiest person you'll ever met.

Foster Mom: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: Party Time!?!!
Foster Mom: NO IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL!!!
Me: It's a Saturday...we don't have school.

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#16

Foster Mom: Well wake up and come down for breakfast like the rest of the kids...

Me: okokok

So let me catch you up with my life story. My name is Alex Gomez. I'm age 15 and basically my life sucks. I was born somewhere on earth, left in a basket labeled my name on the doorsteps of an orphage. I was raised by two wonderful foster parents and around 25 other foster kids in average. You wanna know the worst part is...? I'm a hybrid. I'm half human and half unknown. I have the power of everything and anything...well within reason. I sense bigger worlds, galaxies, and even multi-verses out there. Right now I'm stuck here but one day I'll get to explore them forever

#17

(Yal can suggest multiverses)

#18

Current multiverse is marvel btw

#19

After i took a shower and got dress i went downstairs hoping that for once it will seem like a normal simple day. As usual i was wrong... It was like a riot down there. Everyone was trying to find a seat, grab a plate, and horseplay worst then a horse about plays.

#20

Me: Hi everyone!!

All of a sudden I noticed that they made my favorite breakfast, breakfast burritos and hash browns. Usually this means that there is bad news for me.

As I walked up to my foster mom, I asked her.....

Me: What's wrong?
Mom: I'll tell you after dinner so go grab plates...

Me: You mean breakfast

Foster Mom: That's what I said..

As always I worried about food before the news....

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