Hiya, Electro here. I have A story here you guys might like. Also, If I CAN'T make another thread just for this liturature Locl. I might continue this, So enjoy the possible start of A series! :3 I also put random inserts of people (Usually friends) on the forums here, So be looking out. ^^

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~Prolouge~
I stood on my hinds, Breathing heavily from dodging cannons in room survivor2. It was normal, Everyone jumping on the cannons darting rapidly speeding at them. "Hah! I surviveeedd!!" One mouse boasted, Standing proudly. The next map started up, But it wasn't.. Normal. There was no shaman, There were many platforms.. Everyone was puzzled. A shreik sounded from one of the mice, A black mist surrounding her. She ducked, Breathing. Her ears got biggger and pointer, Wings came out of her back, And blood stained fangs shot out of her mouth. "Whatis.." We all murmured, Looking at her, Keeping A distance. "Sssk... I have to tell you all something...Good lu-uck.." She stood up, Smirking. She was A bat looking creature... "Run. R-uu-un..!" She hissed, claws unsheathing from her paws, Her dull brown fur bristling. "Heheh..Go." She whizzed at us, We all running in terror. "Ack!" One mouse yipped. Today wasn't A very pleaseant day in survivor, We all had A run for life.
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Chapter 1: Eerie Beings

My pupils shrunk, The bat-like creatures dashing torward the unsuspecting, Innocent mice, Darting fruitlessly around the eerie room. One chocolate brown mouse, Kiokosama, Dashed swiftly up A staircase made out of rich earth. "My god.. She's speedy.." I muttered, Skidding. I took an inhale of the fresh air, But something caught my eye. One of the bats sped up to A small mouse, Hissing with glee. "Your mineee.." It chuckled under it's breath, Sinking it's fangs into it's victim, Blood spattering A few inches away from me. I was frozen in terror, Watching the mouse being transformed into one of the dark beings. It stood up, It's eyes searching for A mouse nearby. It's crimson red gaze suddenly found me, I untensing my muscles. "Come, Get me.." I taunted, The bat baring it's sharp canines. I quickly turned around, Leaping up the tall, soft earth. Eventually grasping the earth in my paws, On the edge. I hung like A dead leaf on an oak tree, Gasping for air, My bright, Purple bandana pressed against me. "H-help.." I asked the brown mouse with orange hair, Mascara, A tie, And A red rose headband. "Fine..." She mumbled, Gripping up my paws, And yanking me up. "Thanks." I said, Nodding, And breathing quite heavily. I looked up at the timer, only 20 seconds left. "I think im safe.." I looked down at the bats, Failing to get up to me. "Heheh.." I smiled, Knowing I was alright.. For know, At least. I slid down my purple headphones, Nudging the purple shudder shades up my snout. The 20 seconds ended, A normal map appearing. I took A chunck of the cheese I earned and shoved it in my mouth. "That was too tiring.." I murmured to myself, Everything back to normal. I sighed in relief, Running out, Begining to dodge the speeding cannons once more.


I will be continuing this. Enjoy for now.

[NOTE]: Remember, If I can't do A separate thread for liturature, Lock this.

Is English your first language?
Or how old are you?

Ignore the lower text if you dislike critiques.
It's somewhat lacking in grammar and uhm. . .
Maybe you should transistion what's going on better. It kind of leaves the reader feeling like they have to figure out what's going on. You didn't see the holes you can fill with some good words to explain the situation better. I can't feel any emotion or anything special about this. Try making it so the mouse seems actually scared and makes chills down a reader's spine.
Overall, it's pretty okay. If you take some of the tips I told you, maybe you'll become really good.

this sient fanarts

Cuitdashie a dit :

this sient fanarts

Fan = Fan-made.
Art = Creative / made out of nothing.

This is art.
Art is an umbrella for all kinds of art.
Be it writing, pottery, knitting, etc.

.-. ok then it also means righting?

Cuitdashie a dit :

.-. ok then it also means righting?

*Writing.
Literature is art.

ok may i post a poem on here?

Cuitdashie a dit :

ok may i post a poem on here?

Uhh, not in this thread...

ok ill amck a poem won my god my sepllign today

Cuitdashie a dit :

ok ill amck a poem won

Ask here (Topic-246479 ) for tfm-related fanart questions or to ask things.
Also that poem better be tfm-related.

Satash a dit :

Is English your first language?
Or how old are you?

Ignore the lower text if you dislike critiques.
It's somewhat lacking in grammar and uhm. . .
Maybe you should transistion what's going on better. It kind of leaves the reader feeling like they have to figure out what's going on. You didn't see the holes you can fill with some good words to explain the situation better. I can't feel any emotion or anything special about this. Try making it so the mouse seems actually scared and makes chills down a reader's spine.
Overall, it's pretty okay. If you take some of the tips I told you, maybe you'll become really good.

I read over it, And the critique is pretty clear to me now. When I brainstorm for the next part, I'll use these pointers. Also, English is my first language. Thank you for the critique! :3

I made the first chapter! Enjoy~!
(May contain A bit of gore.)
My pupils shrunk, The bat-like creatures dashing torward the unsuspecting, Innocent mice, Darting fruitlessly around the eerie room. One chocolate brown mouse, Kiokosama, Dashed swiftly up A staircase made out of rich earth. "My god.. She's speedy.." I muttered, Skidding. I took an inhale of the fresh air, But something caught my eye. One of the bats sped up to A small mouse, Hissing with glee. "Your mineee.." It chuckled under it's breath, Sinking it's fangs into it's victim, Blood spattering A few inches away from me. I was frozen in terror, Watching the mouse being transformed into one of the dark beings. It stood up, It's eyes searching for A mouse nearby. It's crimson red gaze suddenly found me, I untensing my muscles. "Come, Get me.." I taunted, The bat baring it's sharp canines. I quickly turned around, Leaping up the tall, soft earth. Eventually grasping the earth in my paws, On the edge. I hung like A dead leaf on an oak tree, Gasping for air, My bright, Purple bandana pressed against me. "H-help.." I asked the brown mouse with orange hair, Mascara, A tie, And A red rose headband. "Fine..." She mumbled, Gripping up my paws, And yanking me up. "Thanks." I said, Nodding, And breathing quite heavily. I looked up at the timer, only 20 seconds left. "I think im safe.." I looked down at the bats, Failing to get up to me. "Heheh.." I smiled, Knowing I was alright.. For know, At least. I slid down my purple headphones, Nudging the purple shudder shades up my snout. The 20 seconds ended, A normal map appearing. I took A chunk of the cheese I earned and shoved it in my mouth. "That was too tiring.." I murmured to myself, Everything back to normal. I sighed in relief, Running out, Begining to dodge the speeding cannons once more.

Satash a dit :

Is English your first language?
Or how old are you?

Ignore the lower text if you dislike critiques.
It's somewhat lacking in grammar and uhm. . .
Maybe you should transistion what's going on better. It kind of leaves the reader feeling like they have to figure out what's going on. You didn't see the holes you can fill with some good words to explain the situation better. I can't feel any emotion or anything special about this. Try making it so the mouse seems actually scared and makes chills down a reader's spine.
Overall, it's pretty okay. If you take some of the tips I told you, maybe you'll become really good.

I really agree with Satash, there are some letters captilized when not need, ( Eg. Nudging the purple shudder shades up my snout. )( I took A chunk of the cheese I earned and shoved it in my mouth. ) ( "That was too tiring.." I murmured to myself, Everything back to normal. ) the " N " , " A " and " E ". There are also grammar errors like " everything back to normal ". It should at least a " was " between " everything " and " back ". It isn't bad but the misuse of caps and grammar makes it somewhat strange and not so entertaining to readers like us. You may want to read up more before you start up with this composition writings/literature.

I really want to draw a picture of a mouse turning into a bat now.