Haruhitastic a dit :

why on earth does it drop off like that so sudden

Electrodrop a dit :

Thanks.

Chapter 1 is here! :>

Beams of pale sunlight shone through the door, Meli's figure emerging from it. She yanked the key out of the doorknob, and heaved out a frustrated sigh. "Today was just like all the others.." Said an exhausted Meli. She wished she had never volunteered to be employed into the office. Just as the buzz of papers getting shredded rang through her mind, a brief sound of the doorbell interrupted it. Eyes widening, she hurried to the door, turning the rounded knob attached to her door. As she cracked it open, her spirit fell flat. Just the pizza she ordered while driving back home. She paid the man, and grabbed the thin box out of his hands. She opened it, the strong scent of tomatoes filling the air. She had picked up that scent way too much, almost making it seem unappetizing. She'd normally eat it quickly, but today, she simply consumed it in small, infrequent bites. She disn't know what she'd do for the remainder of this boring Monday; the day began normally, so it should end that way. She wiped her hands off with a napkin, and stopped. The vision of a bright yellow pencil came into her vision, and she picked it up. "...Maybe I could just doodle to pass the time.." She grumbled, pushing a peice of white paper over to her. Meli began to sketch, scribbling out each one that seemed strange or had a mistake. She carefully dashed the pencil across the paper stopping as a line was put out of place. "Just another failed sketch.." She was about to cross it out, until she heard a voice that sounded through the house.


"Please, s-stop!"

Satash a dit :

Just a small critique but overusing 'she' is dull. Use Meli, 'the woman', or 'the artist' or even try to avoid it.

She paid the man, and grabbed the thin box out of his hands. She opened it, the strong scent of tomatoes filling the air. She had picked up that scent way too much, almost making it seem unappetizing. She'd normally eat it quickly, but today, she simply consumed it in small, infrequent bites. She disn't know what she'd do for the remainder of this boring Monday; the day began normally, so it should end that way. She wiped her hands off with a napkin, and stopped.

Read, every sentence has 'she' as the first word. That is really getting old.