Fan-Fiction: The Crumbling Ruins

Hi guys. I'll start a prologue now c:

Characters: Sadlelight, Pecanpie(OC), Vvvkay(OC)
Sadlelight-

Gender: Male
Age: 17
Pecanpie-

Gender:Male
Age: 10
Vvvkay-

Gender:Male
Age: 27

~~~~~~~~PROLOGUE~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadlelight whipped his head around at the sound of a shrill cry. "Mom!" he shrieked as he saw a bloody, tan body dragging herself to him. "Wha-" Sadlelight starts.

"Look behind you!" The mother's shrill cry echoed across the stone wall. Sadlelight looked back, and saw a large sturdy figure- a cat. Sadlelight's eyes widened. The cat lashed a paw out, but Sadlelight was too quick. The cat snarled as its claws broke on the wall next to Sadlelight. The heavy impact causes the wall to tumble down. The fallen rocks land on the cat, squishing it into the ground. Red liquid oozed across the floor. "Hurrrr-" a shriek escapes Sadlelight's mom's throat. Sadlelight cried out as rocks crashed onto her head.

"No..." Sadlelight mutters. Sadlelight lays down next to his mother, mourning. "The cats are coming... we must escape..." He murmurs into his mom's fur, but already knows she's dead.

Two days ago his dad died fighting a gang of cats. Now Sadlelight's mom is dead, too.

Sadlelight saw a flash of movement across the space. Still crying, Sadlelight stumbled to the movement. A young mouse sat there. He flicked his visor up, looking in to Sadlelight's amber eyes. "We need to leave!" the small mouse mumbled. "You're right." Sadlelight says. "What are you filthy discraces doing?" a voice comes from behind a wall. Sadelight looked at the direction, and moments later saw the most feared mouse of all. Vvvkay. "Of course he's alive, with that damn knife of his..." Sadlelight mutters through gritted teeth.

"You should join us." the small mouse Sadlelight found, named Pecanpie, squeaked. Pecanpie started to walk towards open grass, not waiting for a reply.

Vvvkay narrowed his eyes, then nodded. "Fine. Now let's go before that tribe of cats behind us gets us." he says, sticking a thumb behind him.

"Then let's get going." Sadlelight said, and together, they escaped the ruins of Transformice.

"You should join us." the small mouse Sadlelight found, named Pecanpie, squeaked. Vvvkay narrowed his eyes, then nodded. "Fine. Now let's go before that tribe of cats behind us gets us." he says, sticking a thumb behind him.

is this all pecanpie speaking or is it someone else
because if it's someone else you gotta break when a new character speaks

Haruhitastic a dit :
"You should join us." the small mouse Sadlelight found, named Pecanpie, squeaked. Vvvkay narrowed his eyes, then nodded. "Fine. Now let's go before that tribe of cats behind us gets us." he says, sticking a thumb behind him.

is this all pecanpie speaking or is it someone else
because if it's someone else you gotta break when a new character speaks

good job finding that XD *gives gold star* hang on lemme edit

you'll have to edit your whole prologue

I edited is that better or no :o

OH MAn, we start with a dead mom for the beginning of the story. Looks interesting but I think you may want to use flags.

Great prologue!

May I add some characters?

Sadlelight a dit :
I edited is that better or no :o

no
you have to edit the entire prologue. you're not writing the dialogue properly and it's a giant wall of text.

I agree with Haru.
---

"Look behind you!" The mother's shrill cry echoed across the stone wall. Sadlelight looked back(,) and saw a large sturdy figure(-) a cat. Sadlelight's eyes wide(ned). The cat lashe(d) a paw out, but Sadlelight was to(o) quick. The cat snarl(ed) as its claws (broke) on the wall next to Sadlelight. The heavy impact causes the wall to tumble down. The fallen rocks land on the cat, squishing it into the ground. Red liquid oozed across the floor. "Hurrrr-" a shriek escapes Sadlelight's mom's throat. Sadlelight cried out as rocks crash(ed) (onto) her head.

"No..." Sadlelight mutters. Sadlelight lays down next to his mother, mourning. "The cats are coming... we must escape..." He murmurs into his mom's fur, but already knows she's dead.

I deleted some things and added some things in ( ).

You may not like some of my edits, but it's what I think should be edited.

#10

Fallingspear a dit :
I agree with Haru.
---

"Look behind you!" The mother's shrill cry echoed across the stone wall. Sadlelight looked back(,) and saw a large sturdy figure(-) a cat. Sadlelight's eyes wide(ned). The cat lashe(d) a paw out, but Sadlelight was to(o) quick. The cat snarl(ed) as its claws (broke) on the wall next to Sadlelight. The heavy impact causes the wall to tumble down. The fallen rocks land on the cat, squishing it into the ground. Red liquid oozed across the floor. "Hurrrr-" a shriek escapes Sadlelight's mom's throat. Sadlelight cried out as rocks crash(ed) (onto) her head.

"No..." Sadlelight mutters. Sadlelight lays down next to his mother, mourning. "The cats are coming... we must escape..." He murmurs into his mom's fur, but already knows she's dead.

I deleted some things and added some things in ( ).

You may not like some of my edits, but it's what I think should be edited.

Looks a lot better, thank you! And I'm sorry, when I first made this thread I tried to make flags XD but idk how to make them..?

#11

Sadlelight a dit :
Looks a lot better, thank you! And I'm sorry, when I first made this thread I tried to make flags XD but idk how to make them..?

[#en]quote this and learn[/#en]
[#es]hi. en,es,no (vk),fr etc i barely know any.
and cool fanfic.[/#es]

#12

Thanks lol right when you say that just 2 minutes ago I learned how e.e

#13

Sirusthemice a dit :
-insert flags here-

Thanks, I saved it >:D

#14

l
P.S! YOU CAN REQUEST TO BE IN THE STORY! I NEED A FEW MORE MICE BEFORE I DO CHAPTER 1!

#15

Sirusthemice a dit :
Sadlelight a dit :
Looks a lot better, thank you! And I'm sorry, when I first made this thread I tried to make flags XD but idk how to make them..?

[#en]quote this and learn[/#en]
[#es]hi. en,es,no (vk),fr etc i barely know any.
and cool fanfic.[/#es]

edit- sorry guys i kinda quit this, if someone tells me to keep it up plz tell me ^^

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