Hello all! This fanfiction is based off of a comic I've been redrawing for a few years. And since my muse for the comic isn't going very well, I thought I'd try writting. I hope you enjoy what I have in store, and feel comfortable reading this. However, this fanfictions may include blood/gore/ disturbing psychiological content/ or ideas that conflict with your own beliefs. If you cannot handle these things or find them irritating/disgusting/innapropriate, please do not continue and find another thread to read.

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NOTE: Will Edit to add prologue. Also, I would like to know if anyone wants this told in first or third person.
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PROLOGUE:

"No.... no!"
The sound of scraping against wood and high pitched squeals of terror echoed throughout the land. Fur flew through the air as the bodies of mice were tossed about like rag dolls, being pummeled by large, metal black cannon balls. As each mouse was slammed into by a comrade or a cannon, their bodies made loud thumps against wooden platforms spread throughout the area. With wide, fearful eyes, what seemed to be another mouse watched all of this as she clung tightly to the side of a platform, her paws scrabbling to get her body back up. Her claws dug into the wood, causing shavings over if to fall into the dark depths below. Blood was forming under her claws, as she had broken the skin with all of her clawing and scraping. Blisters had formed on the toes of her forepaws, splinters dug painfully under the skin, causing it to darken. Warily, the rat pulled herself up the ledge of the platform, pushing her body up and gingerly holding her paws. She had no time to pick out the splinters as another mouse flew past her. A cannon had slammed into him, and there was a harsh thud as he hit the side of a platform. His unconcious body went sliding down it with several others, to never be see again. There were five mice now, and she knew they would be next if not herself. In the corner of her eye, she could see the familiar and foreboding tint of a cannon flying her way. She immediately ducked and rolled to the side, gasping out of sheer panic as she had almost rolled off of the platform. The sound of wings against the wind caught her ears as they lowered, her face becoming pale. the source of the cannons was flying down to meet her. It was a mouse with a blue feather, glowing blue circles on his body, and a tail ornament made of two beads attached to a string. It was the shaman. His eyes were empty, black orbs. It was as if she were staring at a heartless shell, a shell that would cut her down. Bolting to jump to another platform, it was too late as she felt the heavy bone crushing weight of a cannon ropelling her forewards and pounding her body into the wall of a platform. All air that had once been in her lungs was squeezed out, her vision becoming blurred and dark as she began to fall. Her body was limp, and the pupils of her eyes were growing. Soon they covered even the whites of her eyes, and her state of suffocating shock was complete. All the rat could see was the platforms, that were moving farther and farther away. Her body plunged into the cold depths of a dark, body filled ocean, and her lungs were filled with water as she sank to meet all others who had failed to survive.

"How could it have come to this..."

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these forums are pg-13 so dont get too gorey man

Maasaconda a dit :

these forums are pg-13 so dont get too gorey man

No worries, I won't describe every little detail. It probably won't really come to gore.

Cloudandis a dit :

NOTE: Will Edit to add prologue. Also, I would like to know if anyone wants this told in first or third person.

I like third person

Thank you very much c: I'll start on the prologue now.

Third person is enjoyable in my opinion. I love psycological stories so I'll be watching this thread!

THe prologue is up for you to read c:

Can I say a suggestion/critique?

Of course! I love critiques c: anything that can help is welcome.

Alright. You love critiques?
Let's go.

"It was getting dark all around... the wind rushing through her."
Are they swiss cheese or something?
I get what you're trying to express here but it doesn't work with the way you're writing it. Perhaps something like... "It was getting dark all around, and it felt like the wind was rushing through her." Or replace rushing for cutting.

"And as she fell she began to close her eyes... longing for rest."
Are we missing a comma here...?

"She was no certain. Her visiobegan to blacken"
Alright, this is going to sound really dickish but even something as simple as a mouse game forum, *PROOF READ YOUR WORK*. There's two glaring issues just right here.

"she felt the cold, wet embrace of water. "


Again, it's one of those things where I get what you're trying to express but it just doesn't work out. :s

Everything else is alright outside of some glaring punctuation issues. Don't use dashes in place of commas.
A good way I've found to remember how to differentiate between using a period or comma is to read the story out loud or in my head, and pause roughly ten seconds for a period, and five seconds for a comma. If it feels disjointed by waiting ten seconds, you'd be best to use the comma.

Thank you very kindly. Sorry, I was half asleep and didn't go through the material thoroughly xD I'll edit it as you suggested.

Another thing real quick I forgot to add is that if you're in a braindead state you can't comprehend thought, so you might want t consider using another term. o7

"She knew it was no use in her brain dead state."

Maybe instead of 'brain-dead', try using exhausted if she's well, tired. Or are you going for a 'she CAN'T actually do anything'? Paralyzed will do the trick!

Thank you both ^^ I've rewritten the prologue and tried to describe things in a more logical way.

New chapter? :3

Here's advice:

Please space your paragraph. It's hard to read a wall of text in one sitting without getting tired eyes.