Atelier 801
Transformice 
| [Halloween Fanfiction] Red Blessing |
 Fierying  « Censeur » 1416449580000
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| Looking for: Proof Readers Prologue a dit : Dernière modification le 1417050600000 |
Fierying
Profil
Derniers messages Daisylol  « Citoyen » 1416454260000
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| Oh gawd, this is really neat! ^u^ |
Daisylol Satash  « Citoyen » 1416455880000
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| Nice story Fierying! I know English isn't your first language so this is really nicely written. There's a few issues (in my opinion) but I'm pretty sure it's nit-picky. I'm pretty sure they're called proof readers, not prove readers. Prove = "demonstrate the truth or existence of (something) by evidence or argument." (Google) "There was a pause of annoyance before it replied," Just a nit pick but I personally think you could change 'it' to 'they', because they are speaking to her. An it would be an object or something. Also I feel you could leave out the comma after Buffy Summer because it doesn't feel needed. "Buffy is fully awake again." I think you should go with 'Buffy was fully awake again.' Changing from past to present can confuse the readers. "She breath in deeply before giving her answer," Perhaps you can change this to 'She breathed in deeply before giving her answer,' I'm not perfect with my own English to be honest, so if you don't think you agree with my grammar then feel free to tell me. We can only help each other right? |
Tribu| Fierying « Censeur » 1417050480000
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| Chapter 1 Mice with Halloween themed outfits gazed at sloppy yet gorgeous face of Buffy as she walked through the dark streets that were lit by dim streetlights. Her crumpled blazer swaying in the brisk wind. Her right paw dragging her rosy red luggage. Outside of the HQ of Atelier801, she observed the dozen silhouettes waiting for her. She could barely understand how could they be up as late as 2 in the morning to meet her. 'Probably these are the insane ones I am suppose to deal with huh.' As she got closer, she could make out the minor details of each mice. One in particular she got interested in. "Ce est la fille que nous recherchons? Pftt, On dirait qu'elle venait d'une partie rugueuse! Hahaha!" "Arrêtez Tigrounette!" 'That's gonna hurt so bad.' Buffy smirked as the feminine mouse with the short chocolate-brown hair and glasses smacked Tigrounette on the head, nearly dropping his cup of coffee. She faced herself towards Buffy and gave an apologetic smile, her short bushy fur flows with the sea breeze. "Don't mind his attitude, he is a silly one. I am Melibellule, The co-founder of Atelier801, Since it is rather late we would make this quick." She waved her arm towards the entrance, her co-workers giving Buffy a warm welcome. The office walls were painted with a pastel sky blue, lights giving out a soft white glow. As they pass the neat interior in the narrow corridor, Buffy has changed her expression towards the staff members from a ---- to a more professional level. They arrive to the meeting room where lies a long stretched oval desk with bulky office chairs. Buffy shoved her luggage to a corner, climbing onto the wheeled chair, legs crossed. Sensing her impatience, a slim white mouse with long black silky hair with a freshly picked daisy on her forehead introduced the newspaper to Buffy. "As you know Ms Summer, we fear the awakening of a vampire called Von Drekkemaus maybe have cause unusual activities," she trailed her finger to an unclear picture of a graveyard, followed by her other evidences. "This area here has not been there before odd enough that it had itself a name already: Kürbisses-Nacht, we are also worried about this as his mansion and the casino from the past few years have been causing disappearance to our community." Buffy slowly nodded her head, looking at an image of Von Drekkemaus.He have the usual pointed ears with the vampire teeth shown, a earring stamped onto his left ear. His thick stylish black cloak with his jabot amused her. "He is rather old fashioned for a vampire, in a stylish way. Probably not some-mouse that is easy to demolish," Buffy eyed on the crowd. Glares were stared back at her. "B-but I am positive I will get him, no doubt of it!" Tigrounette stroked his shaved beard a couple of times, looking at Buffy with unconviencing eyes. Buffy felt a boiling frustration as her ears twitched. "W-we should trust her for now," Loukno cut off the tension between them "as she is an experienced vampire slayer I am sure she would do fine! Meanwhile everyone shoud get rest, it is really late now!" She lend Buffy and stroll out of the office with her luggage, leaving the members behind. She then held out a glimmering silver key with a small heart keychain dangling. "This is the key to my temporary hotel room, since you are new to this town I am sure you need somewhere safe to rest, you can stay there for now, I am good." Buffy hesitated for a second before receiving the key with trembling paws. She is not the type of mouse that accepts gifts easily. But in this situation, she cannot say 'no' as an answer. Buffy ended up thanking her profusely, before heading off to her new temporary home. Dernière modification le 1417050600000 |