Lost in the Darkness: The Fall by Silverstar2 |
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Fan fiction about a young mouse in training getting sent to a mysterious world after he falls into a hole. He struggles to fit in with a strange tribe of mice, and when he eventually is accepted, he learns their deepest secret... |
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I will post chapter one soon ;) and if anyone reads and comments, I will keep posting |
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Hiya. Do you accept other characters? Dernière modification le 1455282720000 |
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Csonewforyou, yes I do. Give me the name, description, personality, and title: Shaman, regular, something else. |
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Toby stepped precariously on the grass ledge. The block of smooth yellow cheese was just one foot away. The young mouse twitched his whiskers and studied the distance. He was sure he could make it. Toby crouched down and leaped. His front paws brushed the edge of the cheese, and he swung a piece of it onto his back. Toby turned midair and scrambled onto the ledge again. His friend Arabella was waiting for him by the mouse hole. Toby was back on the ledge again, but his paws slipped and he fell down, out of view. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the dizziness to pass by. Eventually, he was sent back to the mouse hole again, his cheese gone, restarted. "Nice try," Arabella said, her unusual blue eyes glittering with sympathy. Toby shrugged and muttered, "Thanks. Go ahead and enter the mouse hole without me. We have 7 seconds in this place anyway." Arabella smiled and replied, "Okay, thanks. Meet me in the Forbidden Lands." She then dashed into the mouse hole while Toby sat on the ledge, waiting. When time was up, he climbed the wall and disappeared into another world. Toby was in the Forbidden Lands. No one ever went here, because it was the hardest world to complete and successfully get the cheese. Before Toby started though, he nibbled on a piece of cheese that he got in another world. Toby looked around when he finished. There was a tall chocolate pole in the middle. Strips of boiling hot lava surrounded it, and a chunk of ice covered the grass on the other side. The cheese was hanging midair in an impossible-to-get position. Toby felt the heat of the sun on his back and grimaced. He leaped forward, using his tail for balance on the unstable grass ledge. Arabella materialized before him, her eyes sparkling. "You ready?" She asked excitedly. Toby felt a chill run down his spine as he said, :Sure am." Arabella lead the way, as she was the more experienced world-jumper. She carefully placed her paws on the ground then leaped straight up. She hit the lava by accident and recoiled, springing backwards. Arabella's scream ripped through the air and Toby ran after her. "Ara! Are you okay?" He bent down by her side. Her paws were burnt, and Arabella had pained tears in her eyes. "I'm fine," she rasped, sitting up. Toby, his heart pounding, got his small pouch of burn medicine tied to his leg and unwound the cord that closed the top of it. Toby then gently rubbed her paws with the cream and let her rest. He tied up the pouch and attached it to his paw again. "That lava was hotter than usual," he commented to himself. No duh, he thought, this is the Forbidden Lands where mice get lost and hurt. The only reason they were here was because they were daring and bored and looking for some fun. Toby knew that was a stupid, careless reason, but he was known for being stupid and careless in his tribe. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Arabella was hurt, seriously hurt. The only way to fully heal her was to bring her fresh cheese and to make her eat it. So Toby ran. He jumped up and avoided the lava as much as he could. On the bare chocolate parts, he placed his paws and gripping them, prepared for another leap. He slowly climbed up and jumped down to the other side. No! he thought, as he laded on the wrong spot, on the lava. The feeling was intense, even worse then the time he got frost bite from staying on the ice too long. He jerked back his head and let out a wail. Fiery pain rushed up his paws, then through his body. Heat seared his sleek brown fur and he screamed again. He closed his eyes and wanted to die. He couldn't. Not now, not in this agony. Toby didn't notice that he was rolling down the ledge, toward the edge. He squeezed hi eyes shut instead and blocked out everything. Only when he felt a rush of cold air under his belly and paws, did he realize he was falling. Falling down, down, down. Soon the burn was not a big concern for him. The never-ending blackness was. HE was falling. Should he bend his paws to prepare for a snowy landing? Or keep his paws straight for a trampoline landing? Would it be better for his body to be relaxed or tense if the bottom was water. For all he knew, he was falling and there might not be an ending. He might never come back alive again.! Dernière modification le 1455554340000 |
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Okay, just for your info, these are some words I used in this chapter: World: Basically a map, except a different word for it. World-Jumper: A mouse that jumps from world to world in the search of cheese. Cheese is important fir them because it can restore their health and keep them alive. Forbidden Lands: A world where everything is about 10 times more dangerous and painful than a regular world. Sort of like bootcamp in Transformice, but with a real, big risk of getting seriously hurt, and much harder. |
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I hoped you like it. Comment, and I'll post another ;) |
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Chapter 2: Part One: Toby found himself automatically curling into a tight ball as the wind swept him up, then down, Suddenly he landed on a soft strip of grass. A mouse looked down at him. She was sleek with dark brown fur, and startlingly blue eyes. "Arabella?" Toby asked hopefully, The mouse glared at him and grabbed his neck with sharp claws. "Intruder," she hissed, "what are you doing here?" It wasn't Arabella. This mouse had one blue eye with a silvery tint and her other eye was covered by a ragged black eye patch. "I fell from the Forbidden Lands," Toby explained, struggling away from her. The mouse stalked forward, her eye flashing. "Stop right there, intruder, or you'll feel my claws." She emphasized this by slashing her claws through the air with a flash of whitish silver. Toby stopped still. "My name is Toby, and I fell," he repeated strongly. The mouse studied him for a moment then said, "My name is Andreia and I am the leader of my tribe, Stormbringers. You will not pass this territory alive." Andreia's eyes were cold, and Toby shivered. |
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Chapter One |
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okay, to make everything neater, I'll post them in Spoilers ok? |
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Chapter One: Chapter One: Toby stepped precariously on the grass ledge. The block of smooth yellow cheese was just one foot away. The young mouse twitched his whiskers and studied the distance. He was sure he could make it. Toby crouched down and leaped. His front paws brushed the edge of the cheese, and he swung a piece of it onto his back. Toby turned midair and scrambled onto the ledge again. His friend Arabella was waiting for him by the mouse hole. Toby was back on the ledge again, but his paws slipped and he fell down, out of view. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the dizziness to pass by. Eventually, he was sent back to the mouse hole again, his cheese gone, restarted. "Nice try," Arabella said, her unusual blue eyes glittering with sympathy. Toby shrugged and muttered, "Thanks. Go ahead and enter the mouse hole without me. We have 7 seconds in this place anyway." Arabella smiled and replied, "Okay, thanks. Meet me in the Forbidden Lands." She then dashed into the mouse hole while Toby sat on the ledge, waiting. When time was up, he climbed the wall and disappeared into another world. Toby was in the Forbidden Lands. No one ever went here, because it was the hardest world to complete and successfully get the cheese. Before Toby started though, he nibbled on a piece of cheese that he got in another world. Toby looked around when he finished. There was a tall chocolate pole in the middle. Strips of boiling hot lava surrounded it, and a chunk of ice covered the grass on the other side. The cheese was hanging midair in an impossible-to-get position. Toby felt the heat of the sun on his back and grimaced. He leaped forward, using his tail for balance on the unstable grass ledge. Arabella materialized before him, her eyes sparkling. "You ready?" She asked excitedly. Toby felt a chill run down his spine as he said, :Sure am." Arabella lead the way, as she was the more experienced world-jumper. She carefully placed her paws on the ground then leaped straight up. She hit the lava by accident and recoiled, springing backwards. Arabella's scream ripped through the air and Toby ran after her. "Ara! Are you okay?" He bent down by her side. Her paws were burnt, and Arabella had pained tears in her eyes. "I'm fine," she rasped, sitting up. Toby, his heart pounding, got his small pouch of burn medicine tied to his leg and unwound the cord that closed the top of it. Toby then gently rubbed her paws with the cream and let her rest. He tied up the pouch and attached it to his paw again. "That lava was hotter than usual," he commented to himself. No duh, he thought, this is the Forbidden Lands where mice get lost and hurt. The only reason they were here was because they were daring and bored and looking for some fun. Toby knew that was a stupid, careless reason, but he was known for being stupid and careless in his tribe. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Arabella was hurt, seriously hurt. The only way to fully heal her was to bring her fresh cheese and to make her eat it. So Toby ran. He jumped up and avoided the lava as much as he could. On the bare chocolate parts, he placed his paws and gripping them, prepared for another leap. He slowly climbed up and jumped down to the other side. No! he thought, as he laded on the wrong spot, on the lava. The feeling was intense, even worse then the time he got frost bite from staying on the ice too long. He jerked back his head and let out a wail. Fiery pain rushed up his paws, then through his body. Heat seared his sleek brown fur and he screamed again. He closed his eyes and wanted to die. He couldn't. Not now, not in this agony. Toby didn't notice that he was rolling down the ledge, toward the edge. He squeezed hi eyes shut instead and blocked out everything. Only when he felt a rush of cold air under his belly and paws, did he realize he was falling. Falling down, down, down. Soon the burn was not a big concern for him. The never-ending blackness was. HE was falling. Should he bend his paws to prepare for a snowy landing? Or keep his paws straight for a trampoline landing? Would it be better for his body to be relaxed or tense if the bottom was water. For all he knew, he was falling and there might not be an ending. He might never come back alive again. |
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Chapter Two: Chapter 2: Part One: Toby found himself automatically curling into a tight ball as the wind swept him up, then down, Suddenly he landed on a soft strip of grass. A mouse looked down at him. She was sleek with dark brown fur, and startlingly blue eyes. "Arabella?" Toby asked hopefully, The mouse glared at him and grabbed his neck with sharp claws. "Intruder," she hissed, "what are you doing here?" It wasn't Arabella. This mouse had one blue eye with a silvery tint and her other eye was covered by a ragged black eye patch. "I fell from the Forbidden Lands," Toby explained, struggling away from her. The mouse stalked forward, her eye flashing. "Stop right there, intruder, or you'll feel my claws." She emphasized this by slashing her claws through the air with a flash of whitish silver. Toby stopped still. "My name is Toby, and I fell," he repeated strongly. The mouse studied him for a moment then said, "My name is Andreia and I am the leader of my tribe, Stormbringers. You will not pass this territory alive." Andreia's eyes were cold, and Toby shivered. Chapter Two: Part Two: Toby followed Andreia to the tribe house. "What are you going to do with me?" he asked boldly, interrupting the cold silence. Andrea glared at him. "You will become my slave. Until you prove yourself, we will decide on something else." Toby fell silent. Frustration and fear surged through him. How would he ever get back to Arabella? How would he survive the life of a mistreated slave? Andrea lead him inside and stopped in front of a small but fierce looking mouse. Andreia leaned forward and whispered something in the mouse's ear. The mouse looked straight at Toby and flexed her claws. "Don't worry, my dear leader," she purred, "I will make sure Toby learns his lesson." Toby shivered and backed away, but the mouse whipped her tail out to trip him, then snapped her tail back up to steady him and yank him forward. "Follow me," she said coolly. Then the mouse turned and stalked away, her tail-tip curling around Toby's paw to make sure he was following her. They were in a world where sand covered the ground and the sky was blue and alight with the red shine of a sunset. Water lapped at the rocky shore, cold and salty when Toby bent down to take a drink. "Where are you taking me?" he dared to ask. The mouse narrowed her eyes and hissed, "Don't speak, slave." But then she paused and added gruffly, "The Prison Cave." She padded across the rocks and stepped into the water. Toby had no choice but to follow, shuddering as the cold liquid slid over his fur. He always disliked the slimy feeling of water licking at his pelt. It disgusted him, which was unusual because all of his friends absolutely loved water. Toby swam after the mouse, and found them swimming toward a strange cave on a tiny island not far from the shore. The mouse stepped not the gritty sand and gestured for Toby to go inside the cave. "Go in," she ordered. Toby nodded and slipped out of the water silently, the water streaming off his fur. He shook out his fur and droplets sprayed onto the mouse's muzzle. She growled, but didn't snap at him. Toby reluctantly went inside the cave, afraid that it was a trap. Surprisingly it was't. A single other mouse was there, laying stretched out on a bed of grass and moss. There was a small slice of cheese resting on a stone ledge. It looked half-eaten. Toby asked, "Is this where you're keeping me?" The mouse studied him closely and responded carefully, "Yes. Until you prove yourself, and get promoted to a higher rank than a slave." She looked around and found the other slave mouse. "You'll have Marcus as company, until he's moved out. He's close to getting promoted." Then she turned to leave. "Make your bed somewhere in this cave. Someone will come and give you your first assignment," she called over her shoulder. Toby stared after her, eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "Wait-!" he shouted, jumping on his paws. She turned, her eyes casting a baleful glow. "What's your name?" Toby asked bravely. The mouse stopped. Her eyes were round, and the fur on her spine bristled. She closed her eyes for a long moment, then opened them and said softly, "You may call me Dulcet." Then Dulcet whisked around and swam away. Toby gazed after her. Something about her was very familiar.... |
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So how is it? Lol no one's reading this but I hope someone will, I'm trying my best here. I really want someone to post on this thread maybe a character suggestion or a comment, or maybe some constructive criticism. This is my first fan fiction, so it might be really bad. I just want someone to read it and tell me what they think, and maybe urge me to write chapter 3? LOl idk whats going to happen with this thread, but whatever :) -Silver |
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Oh man,i just started reading it! Here you go ![]() Name: Sans Age: Unknown Gender: Male Personality: Nice to other mice,but can become the most mad mouse in this world in a second (has incredible power). Likes: Having control,Nice friends,Puns,His hoodie Dislikes: Evil mice,Being wounded (his skin is different so it hurts even more),Being cornered Extras: While using his power his left eye glows blue Dernière modification le 1455404820000 |
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ok thanks :) |
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Remade the mouse totally,but i really don't know why ![]() Name: Crystal Age: Unknown Shaman or Regular: Regular Tribe: (A new tribe, or the Stormbringers) Stormbringers,was captured and is still held as a slave Gender: Male Description: Tends to hide his face into his hoodie,Afraid of the Stormbringers,Afraid of almost anyone,but if you get to know him,he's really nice,Has a little ligtning bolt mark going down from his left eye,While scared,his right eye glows white Personality: Hiding,quiet,nice,friendly History: He loved running around in the Forbidden Lands,but once,Stormbringers captured him and they are still keeping him as their slave. They made him forever afraid of everyone,because they tortured him,and he stilll has scars on his right paw pad and on his back. Dernière modification le 1455409440000 |
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Chapter Three: Toby gathered some extra strands of grass and shoved them together, half hoping they would magically weave together to make a good nest. They didn't. Toby sighed and wondered if it would be rude to eat the last bit of Marcus's cheese. He decided against it and settled for miserably laying down for a nap. A voice woke him up an hour later. Toby looked up. Marcus was gone from his nest- probably working. It was a pale-furred mouse, with sparkling dark eyes. He wore a blue hoodie and hanging from his tail was a silver chain with a blue diamond at the end. Toby stared at the diamond. Where had he gotten that? "So you're the new slave, huh?" The mouse said, not unkindly. Toby sat up. "Uh... yeah." H flicked his tail awkwardly. The mouse bowed his head and said, "I'm Sans. You'll be working for me today." Toby retorted, "That's impossible. I'm never working for anyone." He immediately regretted it because Sans was the nicest mouse here so far. Sans, instead of acting hurt or angry, flashed a cocky smile and said, "If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?" Toby stared at him, wondering if it was a pun. He shrugged and smiled. "Yeah," he replied. Sans smiled back and lead Toby out of the cave. "Follow me," he said cheerfully. |
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Nice chapter,but this is all confusion around the characters. Just let me fix Crystal a little and if you want,you can add him too |
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ohhh so you don't want me to use sans? lol I'm confused. or both crystal and sans? |
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okay |