Samandriel

« Citoyen »

Date d'inscription : 09/05/2021

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Anglaise
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Niveau : 1

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Genre :

Masculin
Localisation : Scotland.

Tribu :

Hello! It's my profile with different jokes and anecdotes of different fandoms. ^-^

⚡ MARVEL⚡

Sam: — What if I get kidnapped?
Bucky: — You will be returned very quickly.

Sylvie: — Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer.
Loki: — You broke into my place in the middle of the night covered in blood and with a knife and told me that you would need me. You can ask me a question.

Sylvie & Wanda: — We've done a lot of shit.
Loki & Peter: — We witnessed it.
Mobius: — I was filming.
Stephen: — I participated.
Wong: — I TRIED TO STOP YOU

* there was a crash in the next room *

Thor: — Did you hear that too?
Steve: — Can we go and check it out?
Peter: — Yet say "let's split up"
Thor: — Mmm... good plan
Peter: — Nooo!
Tony: — Okay, let's just go back to the room
Peter: — We shouldn't have watched this horror movie...
Thor: — Wait a minute... don't you think we've forgotten about someone?

* meanwhile in Wanda's room*

Bucky: — Pass more pizza
Sam: — You've already eaten your share
Wanda: — We can still order
Loki: — Oh, what about sushi?
Bucky: — I agree
Sam:— And more burgers

If the Avengers had a shared group chat:

Steve: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Bucky: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Brock:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Loki: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Mobius: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Sylvie:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Peter: — Putting 'uwu' at the end of the sentence makes it cute and harmless
MJ: — I love you uwu
Mobius: — I got salad uwu
Stephen: — I broke reality uwu
Sylvie: — I'm going to murder you uwu
Loki: — Please no uwu
Sylvie: — No promises uwu

Nat: — Admit it, who did it?
Nick: — What's going on? I've got the whole staff on edge.
Nat: — One of them took my shampoo.
Nick: — A little fairy without tears with a strawberry?
Bucky: — And a banana.
Bucky: — Oh, OH

Loki: — I will invite as many of my friends as possible, because, as they say, God fights on the side where the army is larger.

Loki: — No army is immune from losses.

Thor: — Loki, why did you put me in the group? I told you I can't be there today.
Loki: — I was marking all my friends and got confused. If that's what you want, you can come out too.
Thor: — No, no, what am I, I won't come out.

Mobius: — You should see a therapist.
Loki: — I've got you.

*everyone is watching on broken timeline and universes*
Stephen: — We broke all.
Peter: — We broke all...
Wanda: — You broke absolutely all.
Sylvie: — I broke all.
Loki: — She broke all.
Sam: — They broke all.
Bucky: — We... Wait, what are we broke?
Mobius: — I burned TVA to the ground!
—
Wong: — What the hell is going on?

*texting*
Stephen: — I have bad news
Tony: — Me too
Stephen: — What happened?
Tony: — Steve cheated on me :(
Stephen: — Oh, I have good news then
Tony: — Huh?
Stephen: — I hit him with my car :)

Loki, praying: — Send me an angel. The nicest one you have.
Mobius: — Hello. I'm agent Mobius by the way.

Tony, praying: — Send me an angel. The nicest one you have.
Peter comming through the window: — Mr. Stark, I need help with my homework, can you help?

Peter: — The floor is lava!
Natasha: / helps Yelena into a couch /
Loki: / kicks Thor of the counter /
Strange: — As you can see there are two types of siblings.

Loki: — Can I copy your homework?
Mobius: — I'll help you with it!
Classic Loki: — Yeah sure.
Boastful Loki: — Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
President Loki: — Lol, nope.
Sylvie: — Wait, we had homework???
Teen Loki: Read 5:55 PM

Loki: — Mobius, I'm cold.
Mobius: — Wait a second, kitten. I'll get you a jacket and warm plaid.

Loki: — Sylvie, I'm cold.
Sylvie: — And what's next? Should I set you on fire?

Loki: — Thor, I'm cold.
Thor: — It was that a hint for me to hug you and warm you up?
Loki: — No. Just bring some warm clothes.

Loki: — I'm cold.
President Loki: — Don't tell me I have to take off my jacket and give it to you.
Loki: :(
President Loki: — No. Fuck you.

Strange: — Who broke the timeline? I'm not mad. I just wanna know.
Peter: — Mr. Strange, I did. I broke it...
Strange: — No. No, you didn't. Loki?
Loki: — Don't look at me. Look at Sylvie!
Sylvie: — What?! I didn't break it.
Loki: — Huh. That's weird. Which one of us killed to Kangh then?
Sylvie: — I am you. So, it's your fault, too.
Loki: — Suspicious.
Sylvie: — No, it's not!
Wanda: — If it matters, probably not... Sam's been went to bed 3 hours earlier than usual.
Sam: — Liar! You created your own reality and held an entire city hostage there!
Peter: — All right, let's not fight. I broke it, let me fix it.
Strange: — No. Who broke it?
Mobius: — Stephen, Loki's been awfully quiet...
Loki: — Really?!
Mobius: — Yeah, really!
—
Strange: — I broke it.

Sylvie: — Let's play two truths and one lie!
Classic Loki: — Oh, I know it's good.
Loki: — I'll go first: I'm adopted, I have brown eyes, and even in my family I was never loved, they punished me for any little thing, even if Thor was to blame for everything... / ran away to cry /
Sylvie: — I think you have the right idea, but it should be a little more complicated.
Alligator Loki: :/
Teen Loki: — He has blue eyes.
Mobius:
Mobius: — Oh, you're my kitten :*

Loki: — Why did the chicken cross the road?
Sylvie: — Why?
Loki: — To get to this idiot's house.
Loki: — Knock, knock.
Sylvie: — Who's there?
Loki: — Chicken.
Sylvie:
Loki:
Sylvie: — I won't stab you on one condition.
Loki: — Which one?
Sylvie: — Go tell this joke to Mobius.

Mobius: — Loki, calm down, violence is not the answer!
Loki: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Mobius: — Uffff.
Loki: — Violence is a question.
Loki: — And my the answer is yes.

Loki: /suffocates/
Mobius: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Sylvie: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Loki, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

Loki: — I'm an idiot.
Classic Loki:
Boastful Loki:
Kid Loki:
Alligator Loki:
Classic Loki: — If you're waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Loki: — If I say «I love you», will you say it back?
Silvie: — Yes.
Loki: — I love you.
Silvie: — It back.

[ Later ]

Mobius: — Why is Loki crying face-down on the floor?

The Kidnapper [calling]: — We have your friends.
Mobius: — I haven't friends.
The Kidnapper: — They locked all the doors and windows and arranged survival games, fighting and poking with knives.
Mobius: — You have Loki, Silvie, Kid Loki and Alligator Loki?
The Kidnapper: — Please, take them away, WE ARE SCARED.
Mobius: — Nope. You'll figure it out for yourself. Don't call me anymore.

The Kidnapper [calling]: — We have your friends.
Stephen Strange: — I haven't friends.
The Kidnapper: — They is talking about some kind multiverse, fighting and poking with knives.
Stephen Strange: — You have Peter, Wanda, Loki and Sylvie?
The Kidnapper: — Please, take them away, WE ARE SCARED.
Stephen Strange: — Nope. You'll figure it out for yourself. Don't call me anymore.

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Steve: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this girl and...
Steve, turning to Natasha and Sam: — Where is Bucky? Where the hell did we lose Bucky?
Natasha & Sam: — LaNgUaGe.

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Loki: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this girl and...
Loki, turning to Sylvie and Wanda: — Where the hell did we lose Strange?

Tony: — I'm a very mature person, I always apologize when I'm wrong.
Steve: — I've never heard you apologize.
Tony: — I'm never wrong.

June of 13th. After «Day of Russia». Tony Stark is offering the whiskey for Natasha.
Tony: — Will you?
Nat: — Я те, блядь, вылью!

Mobius: — Do you feel that we are attracted to each other
Loki: — Stop moving my chair, please.

Frigga: — Thor, what do you want to tell your brother?
Thor: — I'm sorry that I sprinkled flour on you.
Frigga: — Loki?
Loki: — I'm sorry that you are my brother.

Mobius: — I will fight the next person who insults my partner.
Loki: — I hate myself... and I'll always be alone.
Mobius: — Alright kitten. Square up.

Peter: — Mr. Loki, is it normal for you to wear a leather outfit at +35?
Loki: — Are you implying that I should undress?
Peter: — No, I'm just worried.
Peter: — And Mr. Stark also wanted to know where all the knives had gone. And it seems to me that a bad chain mail has formed under your suit.
Loki: — Damn, you ruined such a plan.

Peter: — Jesus Christ!
Thor: — No, Peter. I'm Thor.

Valkyrie: — Why don't murderers hide corpses in the cemetery?
Loki: — Oh, that's a great idea, thank you.
Valkyrie: — What-
Loki: — What-

Pepper: — Guys, what do you want for dinner?
Nebula: — The desire to live.
Tony: — Emotional stability.
Harley: — Something that is not anxiety or depression.
Peter: — The same thing.
Morgan:
Morgan:
Morgan: — Pizza.

Peter: — Hey, I'm going for coffee. Do you need anything to grab?
Natasha: — Black coffee.
Tony: — Me too.
Steve: — No need.
Peter: — Are you sure you don't want anything, Captain Rogers?
Peter: — Maybe, for example, an Americano with ice?
Steve:
Steve: — You know what, Parker.

Steve: — Everyone should have one talent. What's yours?
Natasha: — Forge signatures... To lie, to impersonate almost everyone.
Steve: — That's three. No one should have more than one talent.
Natasha: / grinning /

Loki: — Come on, how many times do I have to apologize?
Thor: — ONE!
Loki:
Loki: — No.

Steve: — Hey, I'm going shopping, do you need anything, guys?
Thor: — Pop-tarts
Pepper: — Several pens
Tony and Peter: — Father
Bruce: — The desire to live
Bucky: — Hand
Natasha: — Childhood
Wanda: — Brother
Strange: — Driving lessons
Loki: — Family
Thor: — And how could it be so?
Steve: — No.
Steve: /returns from shopping having bought only pop-tarts and pens from all requests/
Bucky: — I thought we were friends.
Everyone else except Thor and Pepper: — Traitor.

Thor: — Brother! I've been looking for you everywhere!
Loki: — What a coincidence. I've been avoiding you everywhere.

Peter: — Mr. America, can I have a photo with you for my Instagram?
Tony: — It's bold of you to assume that he knows what Instagram is.

Thor: — You know that holding back negative feelings is pretty bad for your overall well-being.
Loki: — That's why I'm also holding back the positive ones.
Tony: — Oh, me too!
Loki & Tony: / give five/
Thor: -.-

Stephen: — The Avengers have six brain cells in all.
Stephen: — Bruce has three of them, Tony has one, Steve also has one.
Stephen: — Thor doesn't have one, and Clint thinks he has one, but it's actually Natasha whispering in his ear.

Peter: — This day has been cruel, I have to drink.
Peter: / pours apple juice into a glass/

The Avengers on the Beach:

Steve: — What the hell?!
Tony: — LaNgUaGe.
Steve: — How can I not express myself if I'm burned! Why didn't you wake me up?
Tony: — Did you sleep so sweetly, and I did not think that you would burn?!
Steve: — Okay, but if I'm going to climb, then you're
Tony: — NO
Steve: — YES
Tony: - Oh, so
Steve:

Loki: — Some kind of boring party.
Thor: — This is your funeral... Wait, what... AGAIN???

Loki says to Thanos: — I am the greatest God here.
The answer killed......

Steve: — I want to ask for your hand in marriage.
Bucky: — Fuck you, I have one left.

Rocket: — I want to ask for your hand.
Bucky: — I can't marry you...
Rocket: — Idiot, I really need your hand.

⚡X-MEN⚡

Erik: — I've done a lot of shit.
Scott, Kurt, Hank: — We witnessed it.
Logan: — I was filming.
Peter: — I participated.
Charles: — I TRIED TO STOP YOU

Peter: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Erik: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Charles:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ARMCHAIR

Erik: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Charles: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Logan:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Jean: — Putting 'uwu' at the end of the sentence makes it cute and harmless
Scott: — I love you uwu
Peter: — I'm faster that you uwu
Kurt: — I got food uwu
Hank: — I want pizza uwu
Logan: — I hate you uwu
Erik: — I'm going to murder you uwu
Charles: — Erik, please no uwu
Erik: — No promises uwu

You: — Can I copy your homework?
Charles: — I'll help you with it!
Hank: — Yeah sure.
Scott: — Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
Erik: — Lol, nope.
Peter, Kurt: — Wait, we had homework???
Logan: Read 5:55 PM

Charles: — Erik, I'm cold.
Erik: — Wait a sec, I'm going to get you a jacket.

Peter: — Erik, I'm cold.
Erik: — What's the problem, you're very FAST, you can RUN for a jacket.

Charles: — Let's play two truths and one lie!
Logan: — Oh, it's should be fun!
Erik: /rolls eyes/
Peter: — I'll go first: I'm very fast, I have black hair, and my father is here in this room.
Charles:
Logan:
Hank:
Charles:
Logan:
Erik:
Erik: — You have white hair...
Peter:
Erik: — Why are you all staring at me like that?

Peter: — Why did the chicken cross the road?
Erik: — Why?
Peter: — To get to this idiot's house.
Peter: — Knock, knock.
Erik: — Who's there?
Peter: — Chicken.
Erik:
Peter:
Erik: — I won't hit you with a stadium on one condition.
Peter: — Which one?
Erik: — Go tell this joke to Charles.

Peter: — Why did the chicken cross the road?
Logan: — Why?
Peter: — To get to this idiot's house.
Peter: — Knock, knock.
Logan: — Who's there?
Peter: — Chicken.
Logan:
Peter:
Logan: — I won't stick my claws into you on one condition.
Peter: — Which one?
Logan: — Go tell this joke to Erik.

Charles: — Erik, calm down, violence is not the answer!
Erik: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Charles: — Uffff.
Erik: — Violence is a question.
Erik: — And my the answer is yes.

Peter: /suffocates/
Charles: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Erik: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Peter, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

The Kidnapper [calling]: — We have your husband.
Erik: — I haven't husband.
Erik: — Stop, you have Charles?
The Kidnapper: — He is now—
Erik: — YOU'RE F*CKED, ASSHOLES.
Erik: /takes off, taking the stadium with him/

The Kidnapper [calling]: — We have your husband.
Charles: — I haven't husband.
The Kidnapper: — He locked all the doors and windows and arranged survival games. And he also magnets metal objects at us, including knives.
Charles, lazily: — You have Erik?
The Kidnapper: — Please, take him away, WE ARE SCARED!
Charles: — Nope. It's your problems, and tell him that lasagna is for dinner. Good luck.

The Kidnapper [calling]: — We have your kids.
Erik: — I haven't kids.
The Kidnapper: — They locked us in the basement and poked us with knives.
Erik: — You have Lorna, Wanda and Peter?
The Kidnapper: — Please, take them away, WE ARE SCARED!
Erik: — Nope. Good luck with them to deal with. Don't call me anymore.

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Logan: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this man and...
Logan, turning to Charles and Erik: — Where the hell did we lose Peter?

Lorna: — Dad, I want to tell you, I like girls.
Charles: /an awkward silence/
Wanda: — I like girls too.
Erik: — Oh my God... Does anyone will in this home bring a man?
Peter: — Dad, I bringed a man.
Logan: — Hello...

Erik: — Charles, would you tell this boy to stop running around the mansion haphazardly? It's getting frustrating and I'm annoyed.
Peter: — Hi annoyed I'm your son.
Erik:
Peter:
Erik:
Charles: — We were going to tell you.

Charles: — Peter, what do you want to tell your sister?
Peter: — I'm sorry that I sprinkled flour on you.
Charles: — Lorna?
Lorna: — I'm sorry that you are my brother.

Erik: — Do you feel that we are attracted to each other
Charles: — Yes, Erik. It's you.

⚡ SUPERNATURAL⚡

Lucifer: — I've done a lot of shit.
Castiel: — I witnessed it.
Balthazar: — I was filming.
Gabriel: — I participated.
Mikhael: — I TRIED TO STOP YOU

Castiel: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Gabriel: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Dean:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Cas: — Sam, I'm cold.
Sam: — Ok, wait a sec, I'm going to get you a jacket.

Cas: — Dean, I'm cold.
Dean: — Seriously?! You're angel! Angels don't cold!
Cas: — Shit, man. You're seriously?!

Sam: — Dean, calm down, violence is not the answer!
Dean: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Sam: — Uffff.
Dean: — Violence is a question.
Dean: — And my the answer is yes.

Jack: /suffocates/
Sam: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Dean: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Jack, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Dean: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this man in raincoat and...
Dean, turning to Cas and Sam: — Where the hell did we lose Crowley?

⚡ Sherlock BBC ⚡

James: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Sherlock: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
John:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Jim: — Sherlock, I'm cold.
Sherlock: — Wait a sec, I'm going to get you a jacket.

Jim: — John, I'm cold.
John: — Come over here, I'll set you on fire.

Sherlock: — Jim, calm down, violence is not the answer!
James: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Sherlock: — Uffff.
James: — Violence is a question.
James: — And my the answer is yes.

John: /suffocates/
Sherlock: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Jim: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
John, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Sherlock: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this man and... this hobbit?
John: — Excuse me?
Sherlock, turning to John and Mycroft: — Where the hell did we lose Moriarty?
John: — Umm...
Sherlock: — John?
John: — Okay, I threw off him with motorcycle.

⚡ DETROIT ⚡

Simon: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Markus: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot...
North: — ...your face.
Richard Perkins:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Connor: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Gavin: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Hank:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Connor: — Hank, I'm cold.
Hank: — Wait a sec, I'm going to get you a jacket...
Hank: — Wait, Connor! Seriously?!
Connor: — What?!
Hank: — You're android! Androids don't feel a cold.
Connor: — But I'm a deviant...
Hank: :/
Connor: :/
Hank: — That makes sense.

Josh: — North, calm down, violence is not the answer!
North: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Josh: — Uffff.
North: — Violence is a question.
North: — And my the answer is yes.

Gavin: — Richard, calm down, violence is not the answer!
Richard: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Gavin: — Uffff.
Richard: — Violence is a question.
Richard: — And my the answer is yes.

Hank: /suffocates/
Connor: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Gavin: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Hank, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Hank: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You and this two guys.
Hank, turning to Connor and Richard: — Where the hell did we lose Gavin?

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Marcus: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this girl and...
Marcus, turning to North and Josh: — Where the hell did we lose Simon?

⚡ THE UA ⚡

Five: — Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer.
Vanya: — Five... What happened?
Diego: — You broke into our place in the middle of the night...
Luther: — ...covered in blood and with an axe...
Allison: — and told me that you would need help us.
Klaus: — You can ask me a question.

Vanya: — I've done a lot of shit.
Allison: — I witnessed it.
Klaus: — I was filming.
Ben: — I witnessed the filming.
Diego: — I participated.
Five: — I TRIED TO STOP YOU

Diego: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Klaus: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Five:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Allison: — Putting 'uwu' at the end of the sentence makes it cute and harmless
Vanya: — I love you uwu
Ben: — I got food uwu
Diego: — I'm going to murder you uwu
Klaus: — Please no uwu
Diego: — No promises uwu

Vanya: — Five, I'm cold.
Five: — Wait a sec, I'm going to get you a jacket.

Klaus: — Five, I'm cold.
Five: — Come over here, I'll set you on fire.

Klaus: — The floor is lava!
Allison: / helps Vanya into a couch /
Diego: / kicks Luther of the counter /
Five: — As you can see there are two types of siblings.

Five: — Who broke the timeline? I'm not mad. I just wanna know.
Vanya: — I did. I broke it.
Five: — No. No, you didn't. Diego?
Diego: — Don't look at me. Look at Luther!
Luther: — What?! I didn't break it.
Diego: — Huh. That's weird. Why are you working for Jack Ruby then?
Luther: — Because you're stalking Lee Harvey Oswald!
Diego: — Suspicious.
Luther: — No, it's not!
Klaus: — If it matters, probably not... Allison's been very involved in local politics.
Allison: — Liar! You started a cult!
Klaus: — Oh, really? Then what were you doing at the diner earlier?
Allison: — I was doing a sit in! Everyone knows that!
Vanya: — All right, let's not fight. I broke it, let me fix it.
Five: — No. Who broke it?
Klaus: — Five, Ben's been awfully quiet...
Ben: — Really?!
Klaus: — Yeah, really!
—
Five: — I broke it. I met my past self and I punched him. I predict ten minutes from now, they'll be each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and Pogo's head on a stick.
Five: — Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Luther: — Are you talking to yourself?
Five: — Yes.
Five: — This is the only way to have a reasonable conversation in this house.

Klaus: — So, I have this beautiful stone.
Klaus: — Five, give it to me.
Five: — I threw it at you.
Klaus: — He's very cute.

Allison: — Let's play two truths and one lie!
Vanya: — Oh, I know it's good.
Klaus: — I'll go first: I see dead people, my eyes are blue, and the other day I was abducted by time-traveling Nazis and tortured before fleeing to Vietnam in 1968, where I served in the Vietnam War.
Allison: — I think you have the right idea, but it should be a little more complicated.
Five: — He has green eyes.
Diego:
Diego: — WHAT ARE YOU DID?..

Vanya: — Why does Klaus carry a potted plant with him?
Five: — He asked too many stupid questions today, so I'm making him carry this to make up for all the oxygen he wasted.

Klaus: — Why did the chicken cross the road?
Diego: — Why?
Klaus: — To get to this idiot's house.
Klaus: — Knock, knock.
Diego: — Who's there?
Klaus: — Chicken.
Diego:
Klaus:
Diego: — I won't stab you on one condition.
Klaus: — Which one?
Diego: — Go tell this joke to Luther.

Vanya: — Five, calm down, violence is not the answer!
Five: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Vanya: — Uffff.
Five: — Violence is a question.
Five: — And my answer is yes.

Five: /suffocates/
Diego: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Klaus: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Five, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take four people on the same motorcycle.
Klaus: — Stop, you said «four»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this girl and...
Klaus, turning to Luther, Diego and Allison: — Where is Fifth? Where the hell did we lose Fifth?

⚡ HANNIBAL ⚡

Hannibal: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Will:
Will:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Will: /suffocates/
Jack: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Hannibal: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Jack:
Jack: — Hanni, you're doctor, help to him.
Hannibal: - Please note, I am a psychotherapist, and not the doctor who copes with suffocation. I can only provide therapy.

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Hannibal: — Stop, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this girl and...
Hannibal, turning to Abigail and Jack: — Where the hell did we lose Will?

Will: /sleeping/
Abigail: — Will? Will!
Will: — Zzz... Zzz...
Abigail: — Hmmm...
Abigail: — Woof~
Will: O_O
Will: — WHERE—

⚡ RESIDENT EVIL ⚡

Ethan: — I couldn't sleep last night.
Chris (excited): — If you couldnt sleep, that probably means somebody was thinking about you.
Ethan: — Who the hell would think about me at 3 AM in the morning?
Karl: *gay's panics*

Karl: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Alcina: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Ethan:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Karl: — So, I have this beautiful stone.
Karl: — Ethan, give it to me.
Ethan: — I threw it at you.
Karl: — He's very cute.

Karl: — Are you talking to yourself?
Ethan: — Yes.
Ethan: — This is the only way to have a reasonable conversation in this house.
Alcina:
Donna:
Salvatore:
Mother Miranda:

Ethan: /suffocates/
Alcina: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Karl: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Ethan, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

The Kidnapper [calling]: — We have your kids.
Miranda: — I haven't kids.
The Kidnapper: — They locked us in the basement and poked us with knives.
Miranda: — You have Karl, Alcina, Donna and Salvatore?
The Kidnapper: — Please, take them away, WE ARE SCARED!
Miranda: — Nope. Good luck with them to deal with. Don't call me anymore.

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take four people on the same motorcycle.
Heisenberg: — Stop, you said «four»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this woman and...
Heisenberg, turning to Alcina, Donna and Salvatore: — Where the hell did we lose Ethan?

⚡ МГЧД⚡

Олег/Птица: — Я натворил много дерьма и извиняться за это не буду.
Дима: — Я был свидетелем этого.
Юля: — А я снимала.
Игорь: — А я участвовал.
Серёжа: — А Я ПЫТАЛСЯ ТЕБЯ ОСТАНОВИТЬ

Серёжа: — Что, если нажать на тормоз и газ одновременно?
Олег: — Мм, думаю, машина сделает скриншот твоего лица..
Игорь:— А НУ-КА ВЫШЕЛ НАХЕР ИЗ МОЕЙ ТАЧКИ

Твоё имя: — Можно я спишу твою домашнюю работу?
Дима Дубин: — Я помогу тебе с ней!
Серёжа Разумовский: — Да, конечно.
Игорь Гром: — Смело с твоей стороны предполагать, что я что-то сделал.
Кирилл Гречкин: — Лол, нет.
Юля Пчёлкина: — Подожди, нам что-то задавали???
Олег Волков: Прочитано

Серёжа: — Игорь, мне холодно...
Игорь: — Подожди секунду, ща я принесу тебе куртку.

Серёжа: — Олег, мне холодно...
Олег: — Подожди секунду, ща я подожгу весь Питер, чтобы тебе стало тепло.

Игорь: — Ты разговариваешь сам с собой?!
Серёжа: — Да.
Игорь: / оригинально шутит у себя в голове /
Серёжа: — Это единственный способ вести РАЗУМную беседу в этом доме.

Юля: — Давайте поиграем в две правды и одну ложь!
Дима: — О, неплохая идея, я за.
Серёжа: — Тогда я начну первым! Я — гений, миллионер, мизантроп, который создал социальную сеть vmeste, мои волосы чёрные, а ещё в этой комнате вместе с нами находится мой лучший друг Олег Волков, который устроил весь этот хаос, являясь Чумным Доктором.
Юля: — Думаю, ты правильно понял идею, но... это должно быть немного... сложнее
Игорь: — У него рыжие волосы.
Олег:
Дима:
Олег:
Дима: — ЧТО БЛ—

Юля: — Почему Дима носит с собой растение в горшке?
Игорь: — Он задал сегодня много глупых вопросов, поэтому я заставляю его нести это, чтобы компенсировать весь кислород, который он потратил впустую.

Игорь: — Ща такую шутку расскажу, слушай.
Серёжа: — Может, не надо?
Игорь: — Зачем курица перешла дорогу?
Серёжа: — Зачем?
Игорь: — Чтобы добраться до киоска с шавой!
Игорь: — Тук-тук.
Серёжа: — Кто там?
Игорь: — Курица! Спрашивает: «Вы продоёте шаверму?», а ей: «Нет, только показываем», она: «Красивое...»
Серёжа, в облике Птицы: — Я не сожгу тебя при одном условии.
Игорь: — Каком?
Серёжа: — Иди расскажи эту шутку своим друзьям.

Серёжа: — Олег, прошу тебя, успокойся и перестань сжигать богачей! Насилие — это не ответ!
Олег: — Ты прав. Насилие — это не ответ.
Серёжа: — Фух.
Олег: — Насилие — это вопрос.
Олег: — И мой ответ — да.

Игорь: / давится шавермой /
Игорь: — Кхе-кхе...
Игорь: / задыхается /
Серёжа:: — Игорь?! Блин, что делать... Олег???
Птиц: — Чел, я хоть и доктор, но не думаю, что уточнив какой, я мог бы ему хоть чем-нибудь помочь.
Серёжа: — Может вызвать скорую помощь?
Птиц: — Да ладно! Гениально, просто гениально, как я сразу до этого не додумался?
Серёжа: — Заткнись.
Игорь, на секунду перестав задыхаться: — Что за нахрен?!

Олег: — Потрогай... Чувствуешь, какой он твердый?
Серёжа: — Олег...
Олег: — Чувствуешь?
Серёжа: — Да...
Олег: — Ты же знаешь, что с этим делать?
Олег: — В следующий раз хлеб в пакет убирай, им сейчас убить можно.
Серёжа: — Да убрал я, просто завязать забыл.

Полицейский: — Вы задержаны за попытку провести трёх человек на одном мотоцикле.
Серёжа: — Игорь, каких трёх? Я один вообще-то.
Полицейский: — Меня не обманешь, Серёж. Я же знаю, что с тобой ещё Птица и Олег.
Птиц:
Олег:
Птиц:
Серёжа: — Ой, да ты серьёзно?!

⚡ GOOD OMENS⚡

*texting*
Crowley: — I have bad news
Aziraphale: — Me too
Crowley: — What happened?
Aziraphale: — Michael is asshole
Crowley: — Oh, I have good news then
Aziraphale: — Huh?
Crowley: — I hit him with my car :)

Aziraphale: — I'm cold.
Crowley: — Wait a sec, I'm going to get you a jacket.

The Kidnapper [calling]: — We have your husband.
Crowley: — I haven't husband.
Crowley: — Stop, you have Aziraphale?
The Kidnapper: — He is now—
Crowley: — YOU'RE FUCKED, ASSHOLES.

⚡ UNDERTALE⚡

Frisk: — I'm cold.
Toriel: — Wait a sec, kid. I'll get you a warm plaid.

Frisk: — I'm cold.
Sans: / took off his a jacket /
Sans: — I hope it keep warm you.

Frisk: — I'm cold.
Chara:
Chara: — Let's burning this underground to the ground then?

Papyrus: — Hey, I'm going shopping, do you need anything, guys?
Sans: — Ketchup.
Frisk: — Cookies.
Chara: — Chocolate.
Toriel: — Normal husband, and not goat.
Undine: — Eye.
Monster Kid: — Hands.
Flowey: — Life.

Wife (Chara) says to husband (Sans): — I'll burning this underground to the ground.
The answer killed: — BAD TIME

Alphys: — Putting 'uwu' at the end of the sentence makes it cute and harmless
Undine: — I love you uwu
Papyrus: — I got spaghetti uwu
Sans: — I got stone uwu
Chara: — I'm going to murder you uwu
Frisk: — Please no uwu
Chara: — No promises uwu

Frisk: — The floor is lava!
Undine: / helps Alphys into a couch /
Papyrus: / kicks Sans of the counter /
Mettaton: — As you can see there are two types of siblings.

Papyrus: — Why did the chicken cross the road?
Frisk: — Why?
Papyrus: — To get to this idiot's house.
Papyrus: — Knock, knock.
Frisk: — Who's there?
Papyrus: — Chicken.
Frisk:
Chara:
Papyrus:
Chara: — I won't stab you on one condition.
Papyrus: — Which one?
Chara: — Go tell this joke to Sans.

Frisk: — Chara, calm down, violence is not the answer!
Chara: — You're right. This is not the answer.
Frisk: — Uffff.
Chara: — Violence is a question.
Chara: — And my answer is yes.

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Papyrus: — Wait, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes, I did. You, this kid and...
Papyrus, turning to Frisk and Chara: — Where the hell did we lose Sans?
Sans, overtaking their on bicycle: — Hey, losers!

Frisk: /suffocates/
Sans: — I'm trying to call 911, but the 9 button doesn't work!
Papyrus: — Just turn your phone upside down and press 6.
Frisk, having stopped choking for a second: — What the hell?!

Sans: — So, I have this beautiful stone.
Sans: — Papy, give it to me.
Papyrus: — I threw it at you.
Sans: — He's very cute.

Frisk: — I want to ask for your hand.
Monster Kid:
Monster Kid: — Dude... I haven't a hands.

⚡ AGENTS OF THE S.H.I.E.L.D.⚡

Melinda May: — Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer.
Phil Coulson: — You broke into my place in the middle of the night covered in blood and with a gun and told me that you would need me for the next stage of a secret mission. You can ask me a question.

⚡ FANTASTIC BEASTS ⚡

Gellert: — I couldn't sleep last night.
Ariana (excited): — If you couldnt sleep, that probably means somebody was thinking about you!
Gellert: — Who the hell would think about me at 3 AM in the morning? By Merlin…
Albus: *gay's panics*

Grindelwald: — What makes Albus Dumbledore so fond of you?
Newt: — …Um, I… I'm not really sure what you mea…
Grindelwald: *interrupting* — No seriously. Like, is it the hair? Because, I can dye mine back if he prefers it that way.
Newt:
Grindelwald: — Or perhaps he admires the slight wave in it?
Newt: .
Grindelwald: — Ugh, my hair was wavy before I dyed it. Bleach really damages hair, Newt.
Newt: — …
Grindelwald: — Or is it your fashion sense that he appreciates?
Newt: — …
Grindelwald: — Hmm, no. Albus always loved my leather heels and *swooshes coat* fitted trenches.
Newt: — Um, I'm just unsure why this is relevant?
Grindelwald: *whispers* — I'm very gay, Newt.

⚡ GENSHIN IMPACT⚡

Venti: — What if you press the brake and gas at the same time?
Kaeya: — Mm, I think the car will take a screenshot.
Diluc:— COME ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR

Policeman: — You are detained for trying to take three people on the same motorcycle.
Childe: — Wait, you said «three»?
Policeman: — Yes. You, this guy and...
Childe, turning to Kaeya and Diluc: — Zhongli? Where is Zhongli? Where the hell did we lose Zhongli?

Venti: — The floor is lava!
Aether: / helps Lumine into a couch /
Diluc: / kicks Kaeya of the counter /
Zhongli: — As you can see there are two types of siblings.

⚡ CROSSOVER⚡

Loki: — I need something, but you have to promise not to ask me questions.
Hannibal: — Okay.
Loki: — I need a human skull.
Hannibal: — Only you have to promise not to ask questions, too.
Loki: — Okay.
Hannibal, opening a cabinet full of human skulls: — Choose.
Mobius: — What that FUCK—

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