Our story begins with a 9 year old Kanon Matsubara melting away by the overheating family computer running Windows Vista with Intel integrated graphics at 7am in the morning.
It is winter time. As the miserable rain dropped behind me as though they were people who had jumped, my abnormally skinny self with a Cadbury’s chocolate in my right palm, and the desktops radiating heat integrating my hand to the computer mouse in a sticky partnership, I Kanon Matsubara protested against the depressive outside world and the bleak precipitation by clicking away into the snowy haven of Club Penguin.
At first, everything seems normal. We pick up some girls at the Pizza Parlour after showing off our pizza making skills on the Pizzamatron 3000. This of course melted their icebergs, and every other penguin stopped eating their meals after they saw the amount of coins I got and within that instance, they all waddled out in front of the counter and simultaneously threw their snowballs up into the air, disintegrating into pixels of nothingness as they rendered out, a curse of being an inbrowser game running flash. It was a wonderful moment in my nine year old mind.
Taking the pink penguins by the flippers, we transcended to my igloo (or at least until after they had accepted my invite) and then we had a jolly good time. I can’t transpire to you what happened from this point onwards, but this majestic scene of a showering parade of love heart emotes and doing the boogy was all encapsulated within my year membership deluxe igloo. Scenes of such affection occurring in the dorms of the designer of a penguin who had once obtained penguin of the week! For them, it was a luxury, for I it was an utter privilege.
Unfortunately, such times end. Mother just doesn’t understand that we can’t have dinner now, we’re making puffles here! You send friend requests of course, but for some reason you never play with these people again even though they’re on your friends list. It’s a sad state of affairs, but it’s just what happens in this online world.
Logging back on onto the Blizzard server, I grab a coffee at the coffee shop. It’s all going rather fine until death comes at me in purple and yellow with a swarm of people behind him. Now I was a popular penguin, but not like this, and stupid 9 year old me thought I needed more than the penguin ladies at the pizza place, more than the tiny crowd of diners, fireworks not puny snowballs in my honour.
Now this guy was the penguin chad, wearing an item called the Beta hat. This was only available for a short time at the games launch. While my penguin was over a thousand days old, I never in fact managed to get this item. Maybe I could have but was too simple minded to understand what it was at the time and what magnificent penguin flaps it could grant me access to.
The ultimate penguin. A beaked blue beast with a years membership and a black belt at Card Jitsu that even Herbert P. Bear would be afraid of. Something so epic that was even beyond the ranks of an Elite Penguin Force agent. That was- the beholder of the Beta Hat!
I the now troubled penguin contemplated what actions would be necessary in order to become an almighty one, and be as popular as the penguin I had once saw. My pizzamatron 3000 game wouldn’t last forever, not with this boy in the server. Thus, I head to the Dojo to speak with Sensei, the wisest Penguin in all of club penguin island! Offering my self with a purposeful loss to the man in a friendly game of Card Jitsu, I was rewarded with a randomly generated response of a beautiful and inspiring haiku:
“The simplest penguin Knows that every journey begins With a single step”
Holy balls of puffle. It wouldn’t take Gary the Science penguin to work this one out!
Being the millennial child I was, I managed to switch tabs to a site called YouTube when it was still good. Upon which I find myself in sight of a gift by the Sensei himself. Funny. That was certainly Sensei in the picture alright, but his name was pretty funny. A holy title by the name of “CPENGUINHAKS2000”
Awesome! Sipping my Diet Coke, I follow the tutorial of how to get the Beta Hat. Now I was worried this wouldn’t work because Disney would have made such a feature require payment, but it did the trick! A program that added only the hat to my inventory, a program that creates Gods. Fellow penguins of Club Penguin would soon sculpt their king ewabicus out of the iceberg east of the island for all to see. I would make the headlines of Aunt Artics newspaper!
Many buddy’s were added that day, and the next, and the next! I might never have to pay for a meal at the Pizza place again!
The time is 3:35pm after school, a week after I did the unspeakable. I log on to go cart surfing but somethings not right. I am banned forever on Club Penguin. That is hundreds of pounds down the drain on memberships and toys. Ho. Ly. Shit!
What’s worse is that I never told my parents for about two months! And even after they sent the email to complain to Club Penguin Support, I lied that it was due to a coin glitch that happened unbeknownst to me due to that aqua diver game and it wasn’t my fault.
I never did get unbanned. I am so sorry for cheating my way for higher social power in the island of Club Penguin.
i only had the pfp with hagumi kitazawa for a day and a half. now i changed it and i started dying inside