Atelier 801
Atelier 801 
| [EN] The Comfort Corner! |
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| I don't even know where to start... It's like I've lost complete interest in everything, I feel like I'm just a doll for people to play with. I barely do anything for myself, just obeying and doing what people ask me to. Nothing seems to cheer me up anymore; not even my friends. I also tend to hide whatever I feel and put on a smile, pretending nothing wrong is happening. They're starting to see through me though... I don't know what to tell them, I don't wanna be some kind of burden or whatever, so I prefer to swallow things down instead and ignore what's going on arround me. For God's sake, I'm sick of living the way I live. I barely have privacy too, and I can't disobey anyone or I'll "ruin my reputation" and end up f*cking everything up. I'm no damn kid anymore, I should have more freedom and be able to make my own choices. I'm not even allowed to use social media, and if I do, it's under supervision... Am I just a fricking "pet" they care for? Will they never let me go? It sure seems that way. I also fear that in a short matter of time I'll lose one of the most important people in my life, because of school and all; choosing different paths and never seeing him again... He used to be my boyfriend. We broke up, but we are still very very close, and I don't wanna lose him... but it will happen eventually... I'm so scared of being on my own again. I have no one I can truly trust but him, but even so I'm not capable of totally opening up to him. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, and I've considered suicide many times. It's getting worse and worse, I can't think of anything else but that... I feel so... lost; empty. I'm so sorry to post this here, I'm just so desperate and don't know what to do at all. I'm sorry for whoever read all of this... There's so much more I want to say but don't know how to... I'm sorry... |
Straw
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Derniers messages  Penpause47  « Censeur » 1552151460000
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Straw a dit : Im so sorry you feel this way! If you’re 18 years or older, you’re legally allowed to get the hell out of there. If not, you just have to ride everything out. Try writing in a journal and confessing your thoughts and feelings through there; hide it if you have to. You can also keep a gratitude journal and list out everything you’re grateful for. There’s no such thing as not being grateful for anything—that just means you’re taking life for granted. Try watching funny or satisfying videos on YouTube, or going out to social events. I recognize a lot of my social personality in yourself and I know how boring social gatherings can be, but try to get out there and meet some new people. Try new things—if your current life isn’t good, try something new. Ask your parents if you can go to daycamp. It’ll be trying something new, getting away from them for a bit (if that isn’t your intention then I apologize if I wrongly implied so), and just kind of having the day to have fun. Hope this helps! |
Penpause47
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Penpause47 a dit : Thank you so much for your kind words! Unfortunately I believe I'll have to wait until I'm actually 18 to be able to go out where and whenever I want to. The problem is that my parents are so over-protective and controlling that I'm scared to even ask to leave our house even just to go for a walk, and I'm not sure if this will ever change... And yeah, this is why I never leave home, and IF I do, it's either to go to school or to go shopping with them. Jesus, I'm imagining myself being 25 years old and them telling me "YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE UNLESS WE'RE WITH YOU!"... This sucks so much... Hopefully when I get to university I'll get to meet new people and make new friends. There's still a long, long way to go, but I can't let hope fade away. I think I'm just going to try to "feel a bit better" in the situation I'm in. There's not much I can do, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy, right? I'll just focus on myself and set some goals I can reach without compromising anything and that don't involve "changing" much. I tried watching some funny videos and such and it actually helped! I'm also trying to learn a new language, and I'm doing just fine for a begginner. I'm already taking notes and all and am able to have small conversations when speaking that language. I'll also try writing journals as you told me so. This way I can express my self freely and get a bit of that "weight" off my shoulders. I won't give up so early. Again, thank you so so much! |
| Penpause47 « Censeur » 1552230720000
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Straw a dit : You’re welcome! I’m so glad it’s helping. I don’t know what language you’re learning, but I know a bit of Spanish. If you are learning Spanish I can help you practice :D |
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Penpause47 a dit : Oh, that's so cool! I'm actually learning Russian. It's hard but I love it so much. I can also speak a bit of Spanish, but I'm more fluent in Enlgish, Portuguese and French. Muchas gracias por me ayudares! :) |
Sincerelymaple  « Censeur » 1552273080000
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| I have a crush on my best friend bit I am scared to say anything. Also I don't want any school students finding out... During the Christmas dance I asked him to dance with me and when we gone outside for fresh air we were ambushed. Almost everyone there is homophobic. And what if I mess things up? |
Sincerelymaple| Penpause47 « Censeur » 1552276440000
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Straw a dit : ¡De nada! Doy alegre de ayuda :D *hopes grammar is ok |
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Penpause47 a dit : Aww! xD I think Spanish is so cute, I don't know why. It'd be fun if we could both practice it, so if you'd really like to and had the time for it, you can send me a pm anytime! |
Kingphillip  « Consul » 1553558700000
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| Lmao I feel like shit My best friend who I actually enjoy talking to is contemplrating whether or not she should get homeschooled and her being one of my major friends, I can't survive school without her. She also hasn't been at school for two fuckign weeks and I really want a hug from her and it's not like we can just hang out anytime we want because my mom doesn't even like her and doesn't want me around her so it only works to see her at school. Also my old science teacher from two years ago singled me out from running in the halls and when she tried to get me to talk to her, I yelled I got a class to go to but she wrote me up anyway. Today I had to apologize to her or else I'd get lunch detention. God damn though man, earlier I was almost ran over by these girls who were running in the halls but of course they didn't get in trouble. This is all bullshit I wish I could just die right now. |
| Parpgem 1553560860000
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| [Modéré par Batt_mellamy, raison : Spammy] Dernière modification le 1553563740000 |
| Kingphillip « Consul » 1553664000000
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| So, small update but my friend who was contemplating homeschool will start next year and it's killing me inside already I really don't want to be stuck at school alone |
| Sincerelymaple « Censeur » 1553806380000
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Sweetporcelain a dit : I may not understand what it is like to lose a school friend however, I do understand what it is like to be alone. You can see your friend after school and on weekends. Also there is texting during your breaks if that is possible. Being alone in school is going to be difficult, I am not going to lie through my teeth and say it is all peachy because it isn't. But make some good of it. Make other friends, not to replace your now gone friend but to have some allies so you won't feel so upset. Good luck next year |
| Kingphillip « Consul » 1553817120000
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Sincerelymaple a dit : Thank you but it's not really likely that I will have chances to hang out with her afterschool or on weekends. I already have a tight schedule with art club on Tuesdays, and babysitting on Thursday and Wednesday and then I'd need a night to myself for like napping and stuff. And weekends may be possible but there always needs the parents permission and availability for the both of us and my mom doesn't even like my friend because she finds her "rude", which she's not. And I have an okay anount of friends right now, which add up to like 26 people but i do not feel close enough to tell them anything or I don't think they'd understand how I feel, you know? I mean, I can't talk to my friend who's moving away because it'd make her feel like shit |
| Sincerelymaple « Censeur » 1553830200000
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Sweetporcelain a dit : That's a bigger, hope you can work around it. Also 26 friends. That is quite a lot good for you. But may I ask, how many of them would help you in a pinch? Like say you needed a kidney or something. Or a place to crash. Make sure they aren't just using you. I have been down that path and trust me, it isn't fun. However, with that said, I bid you best of luck. |
| Kingphillip « Consul » 1553834700000
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Sincerelymaple a dit : Thanks. The 26 people are just people I know who I talk to on a daily basis. If I were to shorten it out, it would probably be around 5 people. Even then I don't think any of them would help me but that's probably because I wouldnt bother to ask. I did once ask my friend for a piece of paper from her sketchbook and I told her it was urgent but she snapped at me and said no means no so that's kind of why I don't really ask anything of anyone |
Parpgem  « Censeur » 1553977620000
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| deleted! Dernière modification le 1553983680000 |
Spazmycat  « Censeur » 1554392040000
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| So I came home early today for illness. It hurt really bad and I knew I couldn't tough this one out. Over the past few weeks, I've been getting sick and missing school/leaving early. My grandparents have been punishing me. And it's slowly delved into them punishing me for being sick, getting mad if I even mention I don't feel well. That's why I've stopped and learned to just shut my mouth. My grandparents were finally mad enough at me today that my grandmother beat me. This is the second time she has ever actually put her hands on me with intent to harm. I cried and they yelled at me for 20+ minutes. I still cried. When they were done, they tried to coddle me. "We only do it because we love you" and "We don't want to give you a hard time". My head is so fucked from all the unmentioned things they do to me that I'm not sure if they really mean it or if this is just them gaslighting and manipulating me. I can only acknowledge that it's a possibility. They took my phone and the only reason I'm on the internet at all is because I told them I was gonna use "my" laptop to email my teachers for missed work. This is partly true, I actually am gonna email my teachers for work. I'm mostly online though because I remember Atelier801 forums existed, there was an entire thread meant for venting like this, and I just need to vent. I need to yell somewhere, anywhere online that my family hurts me in multiple ways and I'm slowly losing it. Months ago, I told my doctor about my anxiety and depression. I wanted medicine to help them, my grandmother specifically told me no. So did my older brother, who said no solely because he thinks I'm faking depression to be "a special snowflake". I went against them and still ended up getting Lexapro, an anxiety medicine that my doctor told me can also double as an anti-depressant. Late this February, I got diagnosed with Cystic Fibroses Related Diabetes. I'm healthy and all, it's just something my Cystic Fibroses caused. While admitted at the hospital, a pretty lady came in to talk to me about my thoughts. I told her I felt like a burden and if I was dead, everything would be easier for my family. No more dealing with a bratty child, no more spending money on so much medication even with insurance, no more having to stress about my illness, etc. I told her I have attempted suicide multiple times before. They increased my Lexapro dose, which I used to take consistently, but not anymore. I think this is partly why I've been having increased suicidal thoughts. It's not just my grandparents, it's my older (FtM) brother as well, who knows I'm also FtM and yet he purposely misgenders and deadnames me. It's more than a sibling thing, the things he does to me is abusive. Unlike my grandparents who hurt me more mentally/emotionally than physically, my brother mostly hurts me physically and rarely mentally/emotionally (I'm still getting the double whammy, though). And he gets away with it. Why? Because he's older, has good grades, goes to college, and is in a nursing program where he works hard. It's hard to sit here and watch the guy who beats me daily get into a nursing program, working his way up to become a doctor. I know I can ruin his career, but at what cost? Everyone in my whole family will fucking hate me forever. I remember all the times he told me to kill myself (one time because I didn't want to watch Finding Dory with him), the time he cut me with a kitchen knife, and another time when he pushed me out of my chair and I banged my head on the metal frame of my bed. After I started bleeding, he kept yelling at me and said everything was my fault and all the bad things that happen to me are because I bring them on myself. I remember I spilled my orange soda, too, and he forced me to clean it up while I was bleeding and crying. I can't run to my dad. He's in another state, homeless, and living in the back of his work truck with another guy he works with. I can't run to my mom. She died just this January from unknown causes. My friends truly love and care about me, but I don't want to burden them with all my problems. The Cystic Fibroses, Cystic Fibroses Related Diabetes, anxiety disorder, and depression disorder... all the costs of everything, even with great insurance. I feel like I'm being a shitty, overdramatic, ungrateful brat with the fact that I still have a roof over my head, I get fed, I have the ability to even go to school, and I also have the ability to pay for all the medications and treatments that I have. So many people can't do this. I feel like I really am just "a special snowflake", that I'm not trying hard enough, that I bring everything on myself, etc. But at the same time? I feel like it's okay I feel this way and friends have told me it's okay I feel this way. I sometimes have a hard time believing them, though, because they're my friends and I feel like they're saying what they think I want to hear. My problem is that I don't know how to deal with it all. |
Untitledwolf15  « Citoyen » 1554420000000
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| Eating is becoming very hard for me. Every time I try to have a meal, I become sad and I have no idea why. I also am just eating the same thing every single day because of my fear of becoming sad again. I don't want to feel sadness anymore but it's tough when you don't really have friends at school. I have tried multiple times to make friendships but I have no idea how to keep a conversation going without mocking the person and making it awkward. I always want to talk about my special interests (AKA Animal Jam) and I want to dominate the person in the conversation. I also seem to be a dick towards many people but I try not to. I do have one friend at my school who is sarcastic as hell and complements me in my a personality sense. But I just want more friends, can someone help me out? |
Chlobro  « Censeur » 1554484560000
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| @spazmycat hi! i read your entire thing and i have to say what’s going on sounds really awful. you’re not a “special snowflake” like your brother says and you shouldn’t let your grandparents and older brother hurt you emotionally or physically. i think you should call an abuse hotline or go on an abuse chatroom for that if you can because no one deserves to go through that trauma. if you can, you should start taking your meds again and maybe if you can you should go out with your friends more, like to their houses instead of yours or to the mall or something. that might help you. but that’s your decision really, i just recommend finding an adult to talk to about these things. it really saddens me that you have to deal with all these awful things and i’m open in my dms if you need anyone to talk to. i’m plenty sure your friends or their parents are open to talking to you about this too and supporting you. please be careful, you are loved <3. @deuken hello! i can relate about that friend thing. it feels awful having only a few friends sometimes and not being able to make others effectively. what i want to let you know is that the best thing to do is just say hello and how are you and just act like you care (even if you don’t at the moment). not everyone has your same interests and while this can be annoying and hard to talk to someone about, there are other things to talk about. it’s important to be laid back and not to come off as super sarcastic at first because you don’t know their sense of humor well, and it’s probable that the people you’ve talked to didn’t appreciate it. being smiley and friendly is really the best way to make someone befriend you. and id hold off on the mocking too, i know most people here are around my age and teenagers usually are more self conscious than other people. but i’m sure you know all this, you seem smart. please try to eat though! and if you can’t bring yourself to eat more diverse things, try to get out and take nice walks or something you love. sometimes you will run into someone like you doing something you like! hopefully this helped! i hope everything gets better for both of you! have a fantastic day <3 |
| Kingphillip « Consul » 1554497160000
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Sweetporcelain a dit : And apparently her mom told her to sign up asap Now I want to die even more man |