2 cows are standing in a field. One cow said "Hey, did you hear about the outbreak of Mad Cow Disease?" The second cow said "Well, it's a good thing I am a helicopter."

Bill Gates farted in an apple store. It smells bad because the apple store was built without windows.

What do you call a midget psychic that escaped prison? A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

What did the Buddhist man say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!

What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean? He wanted some arr and arr.

What did the cobbler say when the cat got in the shop? Shoo!

Did you hear about the fire in the circus? It was in tents!

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look! I am changing.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a beer?" The bartender says: "For you, no charge"

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

2 atoms are walking down the street. The first atom says to the other atom: "Hey! You stole an electron from me!". "Are you sure?" says the 2nd atom. and the first atom says "Yeah. I'm positive."

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies. Dammit.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH!

What does the cannibal say when it eats a clown? DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU?!

Why did the police officer smell? Because he was on duty!

A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.

What does the cannibal do when he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.

Why does moon rock taste better than earth rock? Because it's a little meteor.

Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies!

What do you do with a sick boat? Take it to the doc.

How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer!

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with him!

Why is the sand wet? Seaweed.

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue!

What does a ghost wear when it's raining? Boots.

What did the grape say when the elephant say on it? Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

What do Eskimos get when they sit on the ice too long? Polorrhoid

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No I dear.

What game would you play with a wombat? Wom.

What did the policeman say to his tummy? You're under a vest.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? It would be pointless.

What washes up on little beaches? Microwaves!

What do you call a man who gets into a fight with a cat? Claude.

There's 2 fish in a tank. One says to the other: "You man the guns. I'll drive."

What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaarrr!

What do you call a bee that's having a bad hair day? A frisbee!

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.

What happened when the butcher backed to his meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.

What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer? Abominable.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He felt crumby!

What did the psychiatrist say when a guy walked into his office wrapped in plastic wrap? I can clearly see UR nuts.

Why do rappers carry umbrellas? Fo' drizzle.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots? The outside.

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? He wanted to get along, little doggy.

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? Hippop.

A cannibal went for a walk past his brother

Did you hear about the red ship that ran into the blue ship? Both crews were marooned.