I don't know where to start. I just feel a need to write about my thoughts somewhere. So I decided it to be here. Anyways, theres this person, the person I can't forget. It's been now like 2 months. And somehow it's so hard to forget him. They told me it's his loss . But to him, he didn't lose anything. He wasn't interested anymore. They told me to forget him, to move on and delete him from my life, well I did what they said but he's still on my mind no matter what I do or where I am or who I'm with. After couple of days I was fine again, I was smiling, having fun with my friends, tried to learn to live without him. And then, a friend of mine brought up his name, thinking I wasn't listening, and everything came back. All the memories overwhelmed me. The happiness. The pain. I couldn't think clearly anymore. It only took a second, and I was back to the start, realizing I had never stopped loving him blindly. I have this huge, aching hole in my heart and I can never fill the void in him. No matter what I do, it just seems to get bad again. It's like trying to replace one of your parents with someone completely different. The hardest part is knowing he's moved on. Knowing that everyday that I sit here stuck in the past, wishing it didn't end, he's out there living his life, forgetting about me. That to me is more painful than the pain of having to learn to move on. It's stupid you know. I keep hoping that one day he'll realize he made a mistake and come back. Like I know that's so improbable and that he left, but sometimes I like to imagine how it'll feel to talk to him again. I hate that I can't go a day without thinking about him yet I'm still hoping. Because he's not going to come back, and it makes me feel like I'm the biggest idiot. I just feel like I want to text him and ask how he is and ask him if he misses me, but I know his silence is the answer that I cannot bear to hear.

1. life is a mess for me. school is approaching and i know i'm fucked. i have so many problems at home and then when you add stupid work on top of that it sucks. and the fact that you won't be able to make any friends.... and the fact that you're socially awkward............ like an alien trying to communicate with a human....................

2. my friends convey no empathy. i listen to them all the time. i comfort them when they're feeling shitty and it sucks knowing they'll never do the same for me. my friend says they care about me but i'm pretty sure that's because i'm their personal doormat. i let them insult me all the time and i'm getting so sick of it but i'm too afraid to confront them because i hate drama.

3. my family treats me like a freak because of my mental disabilities. whenever i show any form of negativity or anger they freak the fuck out and ask if i had my meds. no, i'm not going to fucking kill you. but i don't expect them to show any sympathy since they think depressed people are the same as medically insane people. literally.

4. my mom is horrible. i don't know what she's doing but i think she's spending all of her cash on drugs and booze. today my mom asked me to piss in a cup so the doctor could give her meds??? it doesn't make sense but that's what she basically said. i can't believe i was born by trash and i'm being raised by trash. and i'm trash myself. ugh.

I feel so down for the silliest reason atm. Well, so my boyfriend and I had briefly planned to spend our christmas holidays together (including christmas itself) and now he's all "I don't think it's a good idea cause I'm gonna spend it with my family" (to add some background story; we live really far apart and barely get to see each other, and well we're both over 18). We've been together for quite some time and known each other for years so it just felt like such a punch under the belt. Like I don't matter.
Of course I understand family is important to a lot of people, it's just the way he delivered it that upsets me I suppose. Or I don't know, it sorta feels like I feel hurt for no reason... But at the same time I wouldn't mind having him spending christmas tgether with me and my family, so maybe he thinks there's something wrong on me?

i dont like myself
i ruin everything by being an edgy crybaby and overreacting
i have huge abandonment issues and theyre not helping at all
i need to be reassured and payed attention to 24/7 but when i try to help other people i just phrase things awkwardly and make everyone feel worse
i never get anything done and barely have motivation to do anything
school takes most of it and i spend the rest of the time just laying in my bed
the rest goes my mental health
i dont do things that i love anymore
my boyfriend means the world to me but i can never help him and i live too far away to help with anything
my friends are amazing but same thing
i dont have friends irl anymore
i moved to a smaller class due to depression and anxiety issues and they abandoned me
everyone i know will end up abandoning me at some point
im easily replaceable and just an inconvenience
i dont have any redeeming qualities
my body and face disgust me
i look horrid
i have no idea who i am
i dont recognize myself in the mirror anymore
im afraid to die
im afraid to change
im afraid to talk to people
im afraid people hate me
im afraid people think lowly of me
im just
afraid