kuokou a dit :

gujiniuniu a dit :VoirMasquer

Also can you guys try to give more detailed criticism instead of just saying that it's basically a horrible fucking piece of shit.

????? um??????

ironicmelon a dit :VoirMasquer

Ok I'm 99% sure this is a troll but if not


To make the story better u have to:
- stop making jokes your story isn't funny it's shit
- u see the red line under words? Unless it's under a name u CHANGE THE FUCKIN WORD OR AT LEAST SPELL IT RIGHT JESUS FUCK
-grammar
- grammar
-GRAMMAR
- just
- I don't even know what to say about the style it's written in
- say "booby girls" one more time and I will fuckin shove my hand up your ribcage, tear out your still-beating heart, and feed it to you in front of your weeping mother

kuokou a dit :VoirMasquer

no okay lemme give ya some pointers kid

"watches from distance" no this isnt a fucking script role play it's a story you dont "watches from distance" that is the worst thing i have ever heard lmfao just
you realize you're on a high school building??? what is this supposed to mean what is it even supposed to mean. i'd expect you to say smth following up to exactly what you were watching from the distance but i guess we'll never know??
holy shit did you just fucking say "booby girls" im so done rn i cant even???????????????? just delete that entire sentence get rid of it its horrible i want to scream and cry and throw up at the same time
what does standing up have to do with a "normal anime protagonist". reality check, kiddo, abt 74% of your readers who actually breathe air and go outside are not overcooked weebs with no taste and do not know what a "normal anime protagonist" is
ok wtf you "look like one of those smart asses with glasses" what even is that supposed to mean?? first of all thats horrifying use of humor through stereotypes and second of all you SHOULD HAVE DESCRIBED WHAT THE CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY INSTEAD OF DESCRIBING THEM THROUGHOUT USE OF STEREOTYPES FROM THE SHITTY ANIME YOU WATCH THAT DONT MAKE ANY SENSE.
no normal everyday 8 year old who comes into terms with this horrific excuse of a story knows what the "Host Club" is. literally no one. "Why did I just say that." literally why did you.
god first person infuriates me so much its full of interactions between the character and itself in their head and if that aint the most conceited and arrogant and dumbest thing in the world i dont know what is.
"The door slams open seeing a white pony" doors dont have eyes??? and thats the worst piece of writing ive seen ever. "NOT RACIST!" gross gross gross delete this it has no point and its so dumb and ponies cant open doors thats so horrific get rid of everything.
"He was covered in blood and I look down at the building and see all the booby girls dead, covered in strawberry jam?" lol this writing style is so boring i cant even comprehend it. how about you describe the blood thats dripping down his body (also you never indicated the pony was a male so how does your character even know lol......) or the color of the blood or how it corresponds with the color of the pony. god why did you have to make the killer a pony thats so stupid. you "look down at the building"??? i thought you were on it??? where even are you im so confused this is disgusting no one knows where you are everyone's confused can you stop for one tiny moment and actually read what you're typing. get rid of the "booby girls" thing just get rid of it. we all know its not strawberry jam dont even say it is
"I look back at him but, hes closernow." have you ever taken an english class in your life lmfao
"He has a knife. And- GAH. H-he stabbed me...." am i missing something since when do ponies hold knives and since when can they even hold things. can you like describe the surprise and shock of your character or the paling of their face or the screams they let out upon impact with the knife or is it just "GAH" lmfaoooooo.
dont sing queen in the middle of a story and dont do "////shot xDDD" or "DEAD xDDDD" this is literally so gross?

gujiniuniu a dit :VoirMasquer

mynameisj3ff a dit :VoirMasquer

Watches from distance waiting while the wind flows through my hair. I look around and realize I'm on a high school building with booby girls. I stand up, like usual anime protagonist, and look like one of those smart asses with glasses. From Host Club of couse.... Why did I just say that. The door slams open seeing a white pony. NOT RACIST! He was covered in blood and I look down at the building and see all the booby girls dead, covered in strawberry jam? I look back at him but, hes closernow. He has a knife. And- GAH. H-he stabbed me.... Is this the end? This the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality - DEAD

Your writing style is pretty unique. The way you've written it makes it seem like the narrator is talking; your writing style is like a constant thought stream, and it's not like you shift between a story-telling style and a speaking-style, so I don't find it irritating like I usually would such writings.

I do think you need to work on some grammar, though. Though "thoughts" don't have to have proper grammar, there are times when grammar just makes things flow easier, and sometimes the lack of grammar in your story just doesn't make sense, thoughts or not.

Things I don't understand:
"white pony"

I also somewhat dislike the constant add of "anime" things. That usually irritates me, because anime and manga things such as sweatdropping, falling over, angry marks or whatever are literally only for pictures like anime and manga. I am a bit sniffy about the "Host Club" thing, but you were making an allusion to the anime/manga "Ouran High School Host Club", so it isn't improper in any way. You should also take out the "anime protagonist" and just replace it with something sarcastic like "a usual heroic story protagonist".

And booby needs to go.

unilde a dit :VoirMasquer

one thing i never understood
did the horse have super powers?? i mean how was it holding a knife??? did it have an extra human arm on its head??

and tbh your writing feels too dramatic to me

gujiniuniu a dit :

kuokou a dit :VoirMasquer

gujiniuniu a dit :VoirMasquer

Also can you guys try to give more detailed criticism instead of just saying that it's basically a horrible fucking piece of shit.

????? um??????

ironicmelon a dit :VoirMasquer

Ok I'm 99% sure this is a troll but if not


To make the story better u have to:
- stop making jokes your story isn't funny it's shit
- u see the red line under words? Unless it's under a name u CHANGE THE FUCKIN WORD OR AT LEAST SPELL IT RIGHT JESUS FUCK
-grammar
- grammar
-GRAMMAR
- just
- I don't even know what to say about the style it's written in
- say "booby girls" one more time and I will fuckin shove my hand up your ribcage, tear out your still-beating heart, and feed it to you in front of your weeping mother

kuokou a dit :VoirMasquer

no okay lemme give ya some pointers kid

"watches from distance" no this isnt a fucking script role play it's a story you dont "watches from distance" that is the worst thing i have ever heard lmfao just
you realize you're on a high school building??? what is this supposed to mean what is it even supposed to mean. i'd expect you to say smth following up to exactly what you were watching from the distance but i guess we'll never know??
holy shit did you just fucking say "booby girls" im so done rn i cant even???????????????? just delete that entire sentence get rid of it its horrible i want to scream and cry and throw up at the same time
what does standing up have to do with a "normal anime protagonist". reality check, kiddo, abt 74% of your readers who actually breathe air and go outside are not overcooked weebs with no taste and do not know what a "normal anime protagonist" is
ok wtf you "look like one of those smart asses with glasses" what even is that supposed to mean?? first of all thats horrifying use of humor through stereotypes and second of all you SHOULD HAVE DESCRIBED WHAT THE CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY INSTEAD OF DESCRIBING THEM THROUGHOUT USE OF STEREOTYPES FROM THE SHITTY ANIME YOU WATCH THAT DONT MAKE ANY SENSE.
no normal everyday 8 year old who comes into terms with this horrific excuse of a story knows what the "Host Club" is. literally no one. "Why did I just say that." literally why did you.
god first person infuriates me so much its full of interactions between the character and itself in their head and if that aint the most conceited and arrogant and dumbest thing in the world i dont know what is.
"The door slams open seeing a white pony" doors dont have eyes??? and thats the worst piece of writing ive seen ever. "NOT RACIST!" gross gross gross delete this it has no point and its so dumb and ponies cant open doors thats so horrific get rid of everything.
"He was covered in blood and I look down at the building and see all the booby girls dead, covered in strawberry jam?" lol this writing style is so boring i cant even comprehend it. how about you describe the blood thats dripping down his body (also you never indicated the pony was a male so how does your character even know lol......) or the color of the blood or how it corresponds with the color of the pony. god why did you have to make the killer a pony thats so stupid. you "look down at the building"??? i thought you were on it??? where even are you im so confused this is disgusting no one knows where you are everyone's confused can you stop for one tiny moment and actually read what you're typing. get rid of the "booby girls" thing just get rid of it. we all know its not strawberry jam dont even say it is
"I look back at him but, hes closernow." have you ever taken an english class in your life lmfao
"He has a knife. And- GAH. H-he stabbed me...." am i missing something since when do ponies hold knives and since when can they even hold things. can you like describe the surprise and shock of your character or the paling of their face or the screams they let out upon impact with the knife or is it just "GAH" lmfaoooooo.
dont sing queen in the middle of a story and dont do "////shot xDDD" or "DEAD xDDDD" this is literally so gross?

gujiniuniu a dit :VoirMasquer

mynameisj3ff a dit :VoirMasquer

Watches from distance waiting while the wind flows through my hair. I look around and realize I'm on a high school building with booby girls. I stand up, like usual anime protagonist, and look like one of those smart asses with glasses. From Host Club of couse.... Why did I just say that. The door slams open seeing a white pony. NOT RACIST! He was covered in blood and I look down at the building and see all the booby girls dead, covered in strawberry jam? I look back at him but, hes closernow. He has a knife. And- GAH. H-he stabbed me.... Is this the end? This the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality - DEAD

Your writing style is pretty unique. The way you've written it makes it seem like the narrator is talking; your writing style is like a constant thought stream, and it's not like you shift between a story-telling style and a speaking-style, so I don't find it irritating like I usually would such writings.

I do think you need to work on some grammar, though. Though "thoughts" don't have to have proper grammar, there are times when grammar just makes things flow easier, and sometimes the lack of grammar in your story just doesn't make sense, thoughts or not.

Things I don't understand:
"white pony"

I also somewhat dislike the constant add of "anime" things. That usually irritates me, because anime and manga things such as sweatdropping, falling over, angry marks or whatever are literally only for pictures like anime and manga. I am a bit sniffy about the "Host Club" thing, but you were making an allusion to the anime/manga "Ouran High School Host Club", so it isn't improper in any way. You should also take out the "anime protagonist" and just replace it with something sarcastic like "a usual heroic story protagonist".

And booby needs to go.

unilde a dit :VoirMasquer

one thing i never understood
did the horse have super powers?? i mean how was it holding a knife??? did it have an extra human arm on its head??

and tbh your writing feels too dramatic to me

ok i'll just rephrase myself

just stop saying it's shit after you guys said enough??? i guess??

ironicmelon a dit :

Ok mynameisj3ff, I think im going to kick you

your story is absolute shit. its just honestly so bad. the absolute worst thing ive ever read in my entire life. your use of language is really offensive too?????

"slutty sluts, booby girls"

either explain yourself, and why youre an actual piece of garbage trash, you literal troll

or get the fucking fuck off my forums before i kick you off permanently :)

mynameisj3ff a dit :

I step into the new highschool I am going to. I see different kinds of people like geeks, nerds, booby girls, douche bags, slutty sluts and me. I see some people who are like me... Ponies. But they are sluts as well so, I'm leaving. My brown hair flows from the wind. Butt then, the wind takes over and I fly away into the sun- THE END

gujiniuniu a dit :

I wanna rewrite it because a) boredom b) I need to practice writing again