Characters:
Shaman: Souris
Main: Kelly
Extras: Joey,Sarah,Chris,Jasmine.
One morning in transformice, a mouse woke up alone has usual They grabbed there sword in there teeth and padded out the door. When she stumbled into Souris
"What are you doing Kelly?"
"Nothing why?"
"You are suppose to be in bed."
"No im not."
Than Kelly ran gathered 500 cheese and went for a stroll. When suddenly a group of mice appeared wearing beautiful clothes that had rich fabric.
Kelly thought to herself, Wow those are the most popular mice in mouse-school where out teacher Mrs.Delora teaches.
They got a little to close and next thing you know... BAM!!! Sarah and Kelly are on the ground.
"Eww!!! Im all muddy!!!!!!!!!!"
"Here." Kelly said giving her a wet towel, kelly was clean because of the wet towel.
"Yuck that towel is yellow, i only use white towels."
"Wow ok."
Kelly got up and walked to school.
"Are you ok?" Said a very muscular but sweet voice.
It was Joey.
Kelly looked up,"Im great."
Joey gave her a jacket.
"I have to go with Chris,Sarah,and Jasmine im sorry."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Joey disliked kelly but loved being kind to her so she was happy.
Jasmine ran to where Kelly was.
"Haha dirty rat."
"Its not my fault your friend is a kults."
"TAKE THAT BACK!"
Jasmine shoves kelly and ran to Sarah.
Chris was exactly like Jasmine,rude.(If your wondering why they came its because she got ahead of them by about a block.)
"What an attitude."
To be continued.
CRITS APPRECIATED

Alright, let me point out a few things.

a dit :

One morning in transformice, a mouse woke up alone has usual They grabbed there sword in there teeth and padded out the door. When she stumbled into Souris

You forgot a period here. ^^' I know it's flowing into another sentence though but I wanted to point it out.
Also be sure to watch your spellings of words. Their sword in their teeth, or perhaps in their jaws.

a dit :

"What are you doing Kelly?"
"Nothing why?"
"You are suppose to be in bed."
"No im not."

Who is speaking to Kelly? I'm confused about that. Perhaps something like.
"What are you doing, Kelly?" asked (name x) -- then go into the conversation.

a dit :

Joey disliked kelly but loved being kind to her so she was happy.
Jasmine ran to where Kelly was.
"Haha dirty rat."
"Its not my fault your friend is a kults."
"TAKE THAT BACK!"
Jasmine shoves kelly and ran to Sarah.

You've switched your tenses here. This is eomthing you need to watch when writing. I'm sure in school by now you've learned about past tense (did), present tense (doing) and future tense (will do). Most stories are wrote in past tense, so be sure to watch how you word things. (Jasime SHOVED Kelly, and ran to Sarah).

Other than other little spelling errors, I think this is really good given your age! I'm really interested. Keep it up. :3

Haruhitastic a dit :

Alright, let me point out a few things.


You forgot a period here. ^^' I know it's flowing into another sentence though but I wanted to point it out.
Also be sure to watch your spellings of words. Their sword in their teeth, or perhaps in their jaws.


Who is speaking to Kelly? I'm confused about that. Perhaps something like.
"What are you doing, Kelly?" asked (name x) -- then go into the conversation.


You've switched your tenses here. This is eomthing you need to watch when writing. I'm sure in school by now you've learned about past tense (did), present tense (doing) and future tense (will do). Most stories are wrote in past tense, so be sure to watch how you word things. (Jasime SHOVED Kelly, and ran to Sarah).

Other than other little spelling errors, I think this is really good given your age! I'm really interested. Keep it up. :3

Ah thank you so much Haru.
I appreciate your help.

Not a problem! If you ever have any more questions feel free to come to me. I've been writing on and off for ten years now and I love helping people find their inner storyteller :33

More story!
As Kelly walked down the sidewalk she appeared at her school.
Nobody seemed to talk to her.
"Hello?" said a strangely farmiliar voice.
Kelly turned aroudn and say Joey speaking loudly, as if looking for someone.
Kelly approched Joey slowly and looked at his worried face.
"Kelly, oh dear lord Chris is missing!"
Joey's worried face turned into a very sad face. Joey leaned his head on Kelly's shoulder and was crying loudly.
"It's ok we'll find him." said Kelly smiling.
Kelly walked joey to class. Just then Jasmine and Sarah appeared laughing loudly at Kelly and Joey.
"Ha! Losers!" shouted Jasmien in her highest tone.
Joey was more upset but stopped crying and shoved kelly into wall.
"Eww stay off me!!!!" exclaimed Joey. He slowly whispered to Kelly "Im sorry."
"Come on Joey." said Sarah as she almost made a scene in the hallway by flaming Kelly.
Kelly watched them walk away tears in eyes. Suddenly Joey came running back.
"I'll help you..." Joey said to Kelly smiling.
"Im so glad you came to help me and not go with them." said Kelly.
Slowly Joey pulled Kelly to her feet and took her to class. Kelly was so happy inside. She now had a friend.
"Joey, are we friends?" Kelly said smiling.
"We're best friends." Joey said in response.
Sarah screamed at Kelly harshly. "Keep your paws off my Joe joe!"
"Leave her alone." Joey pushed Sarah away and he went back to his seat.
Sarah wrote notes constantly about Kelly. They jsut made fun of Kelly but not Joey.
To be Continued.

Yesss! This is good. ^^ At this point now, I can only advise to read fiction around you and get a grasp on your own style. :)

Haruhitastic a dit :

Yesss! This is good. ^^ At this point now, I can only advise to read fiction around you and get a grasp on your own style. :)

Thank you.
I read fiction alot.
:)
MORE STORYYY!

Kelly had only Joey has a friend. When Joey was not around she would think of her old best friend Molly.
Molly was a simple girl who wore dresses occasionally. she would love to gather cheese with Kelly.
Molly stopped talking to Kelly in 8th mouse grade Which seemed odd.
She used to talk nonstop with Kelly, Then in 9th mouse grade she stopped coming to school.
Kelly was walking home from school when she was texted from Sarah, this text read... "OMG I HATE YOU LEAVE MY JOE JOE ALONE HE IS MINE DONT BUG HIM AGAIN!!!!" Kelly was furious and texted back on her paw phone, "Listen we're friends get over it you aren't queen." she sent it and kept walking until Joey called her.
"Hello?" said Kelly slowly.
"Hello." answered joey he went on "Listen block Sarah's number she's gone insaneee!"
"I already did." said Kelly has she hung up and thought about Molly.
She had her hoodie on because it was pouring outside.
She had molly's number still.
"Wow i still have this?" Kelly said to herself.
Kelly called Molly, she told her the worst news ever.
To be Continued.
ALSO SARAH AND JASMINE LOOK LIKE THIS!
Sarah:
Jasmine: joey: Molly: Kelly:

i love it so far ;;

Ty for psoting ^
More story:
Molly had told Kelly she was in the hospital.Kelly was extremely shocked, she didn't know what to think.
Kelly then got home but immediently ran to the hospital, which was about three blocks away.
Kelly hit the desk and fell but immediently stood up then she saw who was behind the desk but spoke anyway.
"Where is Molly?!" Kelly exclaimed to the person behind the desk.
"Room 39." Responded the familiar lady behind the desk. Kelly rushed up to Molly's room.
Molly was crying loudly when Kelly arrived. When Kelly came in Molly stopped crying.
"Oh Kelly you wont believe this its so terrible." Molly said as Kelly rushed up to her bed.
"Why are you here Kelly?" said Molly quickly.
"I called you remember?" said Kelly
"Oh yeah i also have short-term memory loss." said Molly as she wiped a tear off her cheak.
"I know, what else is wrong that put you in the hospital?" said Kelly worriedly.
"I have cancer." said Molly slowly.
"NO!!!! YOU CANT HAVE CANCER!!!" cried Kelly.
"I do i will have the doctor call you if it gets worse, just go home." said Molly.
Kelly walked home not looking up the whole way. She was just to upset.
When she got home she called Joey. He answered right away
"Hello?" said Joey.
"Hi..." said Kelly slowly.
"Whats wrong?" replied Joey.
"My old friend has cancer, and i had to leave the hospital without her."
Joey dropped his phone after he slowly said "Molly...."
"Hello???" said Kelly then she hung up threw her phone and sat there crying.
How could her best mouse friend get cancer like this?
How could she manage to pull through this all?
Kelly had many questions but didn't have time to get them answered.
Kelly went to her room and immediently lay down than slept.
She woke up and got dressed. Then she got a call.
TO BE CONTINUED.

Mousey Cancer. Not a laughing matter....

Jinxscar a dit :

Mousey Cancer. Not a laughing matter....

Yes, it's not suppose to be a laughing matter.
This story is a sad/adventurious type.
More story:
Kelly answered right away to find out it was the hospital.
"Hello?!?!" exclaimed Kelly.
"It seems Molly has gotten worse, please come right away." said the doctor.
"I will be there!" said Kelly quickly she ran and got Joey then they both ran and got to the hospital.
They ran to Molly's hospital room. Joey was with Molly before Kelly could get in.
Kelly ran inside, Molly was almost dead.
"How long have you had cancer???" said Kelly very curiously.
"Two years." replied Molly. "Im sorry i didnt tell you sooner." she added.
"Why.... I could have been there for you....why wouldnt you tell me?" said Kelly sadly.
"I didn't want you to react like this..." said Molly crying.
Suddenly five loud beeps came and Molly closed her eyes.
"Molly MOLLY?!?!?!" Shouted Kelly with her highest voice.
"Shes gone Kelly." said the doctor looking at her.
"No please no!" shouted kelly as she put her head on Joey's shoulder.
"Its ok Kelly she's in a better place now." said Joey softly.
"No it's not!" she ran out of the hospital and sat on the sidewalk.
"KELLY WAIT!" Joey ran after her.
Kelly got up and continued to run home.
She checked her phone and had 10 text messages from Jasmine.
She blocked Jasmine's number, like she had done to Sarah.
"This is the worst day of my life." said Kelly to herself.
Joey came over and knocked. Kelly quickly answered and sat down with Joey.
"Hey we never found Chris!!!" shouted Joey as he stood up.
"Oh yeah!" exclaimed Kelly. "Let's go find him." He wasn't at hoem or school or anywhere else he normally was.
They decided they would have to venture off.
Kelly was still very upset but eager to find Chris.
They went to the woods to see if Chris had been there.
TO BE CONTINUED.

The sotry is great, but just a question, who is Chris? All you said was that he was gone, not what he is. Is he a dog? A relative?

Elaf a dit :

The sotry is great, but just a question, who is Chris? All you said was that he was gone, not what he is. Is he a dog? A relative?

A mouse.
all of them are mice.

My name is sarah D:


Ohnoes *Changes name to billy fishkins*