EN Writers Thread!

planning to write a story base on transformice.
currently getting the storyline going and character development.

the thing is, it is really my 1st time doing a story and it is not the typical fiction stories.
moresoever a fiction story with facts in them, what i mean is that this story might contain actual mice you see in game or forums, or things like the AHB etc.

I am not confident about starting this story, suspecting that people may get offended reading it.
Should i still continue with it?

#202

Wingedmousie a dit :
ooh 200 post

im bad at writing though so i need advice pls

Ummm:

1.) GRAMMAR. Believe me, every writer needs to have good grammar if they want to have a chance of being read. Use a spellchecker, or use the same quality that you'd use when writing a paper for your English teacher. It's horrible trying to reed a story.wennd a riter doesnt no hoow 2use a keyboard or ponkchuashon4 dat mater

2.) Originality. Whatever idea you have, add a twist. For example, try making the hero into the villain, or if you're doing the whole saving-the-world thing, try making the villain something other than cats. We love seeing new stuff.

3.) Characterization. Don't make your character caricatures. Try, as much as possible, to make them people. Don't include stuff like Perfect Snotty Popular Girl, Mary Sue, Mustache Twirling Villain, and so on and so forth. Try basing them off your friends, or even off yourself.

4.) Be open to critiques. No writer is perfect, and you can always improve.

Techtriostep a dit :
planning to write a story base on transformice.
currently getting the storyline going and character development.

the thing is, it is really my 1st time doing a story and it is not the typical fiction stories.
moresoever a fiction story with facts in them, what i mean is that this story might contain actual mice you see in game or forums, or things like the AHB etc.

I am not confident about starting this story, suspecting that people may get offended reading it.
Should i still continue with it?

This isn't new AT ALL. Most TFM writers do this, myself included. Go ahead and continue!

#203

This is the story that I'm working on so far-----> Nine Lives

#204

So:

(just to clarify, if you WEREN'T asking for a critique, just say so and I'll remove this post. Also, if my critique has some flaws, other writers, please say so)

'cold stone of the moonstone' sounds redundant. Make it 'cold moonstone'.

'As suddenly as her eyes closed, her eyes opened.
- Also redudant, change 'her eyes opened' to 'they opened'.

There's a few typos. Infront and ontop, for example, aren't just one word. Also, 'murmer' is spelled 'murmur'.

When you do quotations, there's always a comma, except when you're asking question. For example:
- "Yes," he replied.

You run a lot into this problem where, for dialogue, you use words where you can't really say stuff. Like:
- "Lightningpaw," she breathed.
You can't breath out a word. Maybe if it's one syllable, but that's not the case here. Try changing it to something like:
- "Lightningpaw," she said in a breathy voice.

I can't really say much about your story itself since:
a.) I have no idea what Warrior Cats is, despite the fact that, aside from TFM, it's the most popular fanfic topic here.
b.) It just started.
What I can say is that it seems fairly typical-ish. Remember to add some twists to your story. We may like happy endings and stuff, but we also like being surprised. Remember that.

Good luck with your story c:

#205

is anyone writing an original action-adventure story? i'd love to read it for inspiration
key word: original

#206

I'm writing a better story----> http://pastebin.com/M9Mch8UN

#207

"Yowls of pain came from the nursery and Whiskerpelt rushed out of her den and towards the nursery."
Redundancy. Obviously if there's yowls coming from the nursery, Whiskerpelt would run towards it. Not towards the kitchen or anything.

Don't be allergic to your commas. I see quite a few areas where they'd be helpful, such as the passage above ("nursery, and...") and "Dawntail's kits weren't due for another moon she thought, as she ran across the camp."

Did you write this in a way that you can mark the MC's thoughts in italics? If not, I recommend you do.

So yeah, moral of the story for this:
- Less redundancy. Let people assume. She hid in the entrance to the nursery, shoved them into the nursery, nursery nursery nusery. Too much nursing.
- Commas! They're very important things. The difference between let's eat Grandma and let's eat, Grandma.
- Lots of yowling too. Might I suggest finding some synonyms? I understand these are cats, and I have no idea how the Warrior Cats universe works, but a little less yowl would be good.

#208

i need help please, mostly suggestions for the character(s) expressions/body movement/stuff like that

a dit :
"Hurry up boy!" I yell as I'm trying to get my dog to catch up to me. I decided to go on a walk away from home, just to get fresh air with my dog.

I hear my dog, Flynn panting behind me, so I decided to take a rest. "Fine we can stop for a while Flynn"
There's an icecream store nearby so I go to it. It looks pretty old and dead, but the sign says it's open.

"H-hello? I would like to order vanilla icecream in a cone and a doggy icecream please." I say a little nervous. There was no response until an old lady came up.

"Ok it'll be a few minutes." She goes back to make our icecream while I sit down on the bench.
Flynn starts ot get a little crazy. I guess that means he can smell the icecream coming out of the machines. He keeps getting more crazy, running in circles, coming to me alot. Suddenly the ground shakes.

"Uh.. what's going on?" I ask the old lady loudly. She can't hear me. The ground is getting shakier. I'm starting to sweat as I realize it's an earthquake. "EARTHQUAKE! HELP!" Yelling as loud as I can, no one hears me.

The ground is already coming apart. I see houses and the icecream store slowly fetting torn apart. I hop on one side of the crack in the ground, along with Flynn. He stays close to me while I just stare in amazement my body is starting to shake. Not only because there's an earthquake, I'm all alone. Flynn starts to pull on his leash. Realizing, we have to get shelter. I sprint somewhere. Somewhere hopefully safe. Seeing a small cave, I run to it, with Flynn next to me.

"Ok, I think we're safe now boy." The earthquake has gotten less crazy but it's still going. Flynn lays down pretty tired. "I guess we have to stay here Away from... home." That makes me shiver.
The earthquake finally has ended. It lasted for 30 minutes. seems long, but felt so quick. Flynn and I get out of the cave to find a wrecked out place. I'm to scared to do anything. Once again, I'm amazed.

We both start to do slowly walk towards home. People are crying and calling for help. For all those lost people.
I get home to find a house wrecked. I don't see my family anywhere. No mom, no dad, no nothing, well except for Flynn.

"Evee!" I twirl around to see my mom. I run to her.

"Where's dad?!?" I ask half excited and half worried.

"He's ok. Dad has gone out to help others and see if they're ok."

"Well we got to re-build this place, right mom?

"Right Evee. 'm just glad you're ok. Your dad and I got worrried sick!!"

"Yes, Flynn and I are both glad too!" We both hug.

"Dad will be be home as soon as possible." Mom says queitly. We both walk back to our damaged house, along with Flynn.

dang this is actually short

#209

Alright. There's nothing tooooo glaringly bad about it, but I notice a lot of places commas should be, they aren't. There's also a lot of places where commas shouldn't be, but are. I'll mark them if you wish.

It's very static too. This happened, that happened. It needs more fluidity.

The character seems to show no fear at all, from my point of view. If it were me I would be crying and sobbing. She's just like "oh ok earthquake ok i guess '-' time to walk away."

Finally, there's one glaring thing here and it's this: you very obviously didn't do research. This is a BASIC thing about writing anything that isn't fantasy or science fiction.

a dit :
Strong ground shaking during a moderate to large earthquake typically lasts about 10 to 30 seconds. Readjustments in the earth cause more earthquakes (aftershocks) that can occur intermittently for weeks or months.

A thirty minute earthquake? That would be devestatng. There would be a lot more than just a few cracks in the sidewalk.

#210

uhm

i love how you guys talk about critiques all the time and how people dont take them well

but when i /actively/ search for critiques on my stories

it never happens

ever

is my story that bad ;-;

EDIT:
@ unicorm: it's heavily influenced by world war z actually, but im working on a story about what would happen if the world actually survived world war iii. hint: twice the number of countries, and zombie attacks become reality shows (im sorry i cant stop myself)

#211

no, it's that you're so good there's not much left to critique except stupid nitpicky shit tbh.

#212

Haruhitastic a dit :
Alright. There's nothing tooooo glaringly bad about it, but I notice a lot of places commas should be, they aren't. There's also a lot of places where commas shouldn't be, but are. I'll mark them if you wish.

It's very static too. This happened, that happened. It needs more fluidity.

The character seems to show no fear at all, from my point of view. If it were me I would be crying and sobbing. She's just like "oh ok earthquake ok i guess '-' time to walk away."

Finally, there's one glaring thing here and it's this: you very obviously didn't do research. This is a BASIC thing about writing anything that isn't fantasy or science fiction.
A thirty minute earthquake? That would be devestatng. There would be a lot more than just a few cracks in the sidewalk.

Oh, ok thanks. And yeah I obviously don't know anything about weather, so thanks.
Also, do you mind if you show me where commas should and shouldn't be?
Thanks for help~

#213

Micefamilies a dit :
Oh, ok thanks. And yeah I obviously don't know anything about weather, so thanks.
Also, do you mind if you show me where commas should and shouldn't be?
Thanks for help~

Not at all, give me a few.

#214

I was writing when it happened. They took us in a hurry.

It was the 9th of July in 1941. I was in my nightgown, which was made out of silk. I sat down at my white desk, right by my window. The night view from the window was astounding because of all the glistering stars in the night sky. It was beautiful, I knew I'd have to write about it sometime.

I began to write a mythical story, a story that soon captured me in a world filled with tales.
Sadly, my joy filled evening would soon turn into the night I'd never forget.
Not because I had just made an amazing story, but because they busted into our house.
The ''they,'' is police. The ''our,'' is for my family. Mother--otherwise known as Elle. My brother, known as John.

I overheard the door banging and seemed to be knocked over. Three figures seemed to come in our house and walked up to mother in the kitchen from what I heard. ''We leave in 20 minutes,'' said a male voice.
''No..no! We need more time. Please.'' said mother, trying to keep herself calm. I could hear her sobs.
I looked down at the scene, trying to stay hidden. I saw the three men, all wearing badges.
Police officers.
''It's now ten minutes. Your move,'' the man seemed to spit at mother. He walked out and said, ''Ten minutes!''
I shivered in fear. Who were these men? Did mother know them?

Mother rushed up the stairs. ''John! Elena! We must pack, hurry! We have ten minutes!''
''Mother, what is happening to us? Why are we in a rush?'' John was frantically talking and packing in fear.
''What about father? Where is he? Where are w--'' I was cut off by mother yelling at me. I covered my ears and shut my door, my hands trembling. I was too fearful to deal with her at the moment. I grabbed three sets of clothes, my writing set, socks, shoes; and our family picture. Kissing the picture and running my fingers down the golden frame around it, I shoved it in my suitcase. The picture made me feel like I was home, no matter where I was. Little did I know, that picture would be the last time I ever felt at home for a long time.

*Pleaseeee help me, augh. I really hope this is alright.
I also hope non-Transformice fan-fictions are allowed, augh.
E: Yep, non-Transformice fan-fictions are allowed--thank goodness.

#215

Latey late late.

Micefamilies a dit :
Oh, ok thanks. And yeah I obviously don't know anything about weather, so thanks.
Also, do you mind if you show me where commas should and shouldn't be?
Thanks for help~

Here you go.

Erikadeedee a dit :
Pleaseeee help me, augh. I really hope this is alright.
I also hope non-Transformice fan-fictions are allowed, augh.
E: Yep, non-Transformice fan-fictions are allowed--thank goodness.

Alright, this is really nice! I had no idea you did fiction. :]
The only glaring thing is after "The night view from the window was astounding."
Don't be afraid to tell us why it was astounding~? Like was it a clear, starry night? Foggy?

Another thing, any number under 100 should be written in word. So ten, and three.
I'm also not sure why you did a dash here: I grabbed 3 sets of clothes, my writing set, boots, socks, shoes--and our family picture.
A comma would've sufficed. ^^

#216

Ahhh! Thank you. Sorry for my mistakes, I never noticed them. :]

#217

Erikadeedee a dit :

Pleaseeee help me, augh. I really hope this is alright.
I also hope non-Transformice fan-fictions are allowed, augh.
E: Yep, non-Transformice fan-fictions are allowed--thank goodness.

Okay, Haru already critiqued this, but... I have some additional critiques. Some of these aren't so big that it ruins the whole story, but I like to edit a bit on the details.

Story a dit :
I was in my nightgown, which was made out of silk; and was coloured gold.

This doesn't flow. Make it less choppy by writing "I was in my gold nightgown, which was made of silk."
-

Story a dit :
Mother rushed up the stairs. ''John! Elena! We must pack, hurry! We have 10 minutes!''
''Mother, what is happening to us? Why are we in a rush?'' John was frantically talking and packing in fear.
''What about father? Where is he? Where are w--'' I was cut off by mother yelling at me. I covered my ears and shut my door. I grabbed 3 sets of clothes, my writing set, boots, socks, shoes--and our family picture. I kissed it and shoved it in a suitcase.

Create a new paragraph once a different person talks or a new subject is introduced. Rewrite it like this:

'Mother rushed up the stairs. ''John! Elena! We must pack, hurry! We have 10 minutes!''

"Mother, what is happening to us? Why are we in a rush?'' John was frantically talking and packing in fear.

''What about father? Where is he? Where are w--'' I was cut off by mother yelling at me. I covered my ears and shut my door. I grabbed 3 sets of clothes, my writing set, boots, socks, shoes--and our family picture. I kissed it and shoved it in a suitcase.'
-

Story a dit :
I covered my ears and shut my door. I grabbed 3 sets of clothes, my writing set, boots, socks, shoes--and our family picture. I kissed it and shoved it in a suitcase.

"I covered my ears and shut my door."
This sentence sounds bland. If I just read that single line, I'd think it was about a kid getting mad at their parent. Instead, make it more vivid.

I covered my ears and slammed my door shut, quaking in fear. I packed my three sets of clothes, writing set, socks, and shoes*. I snatched our family picture, and I held it in my unsteady hands. This might be the last thing that'll remind me of home. Kissing it, I shoved it in my suitcase.

*I didn't include boots because they are technically shoes.
-
I reread this fanfiction many times, and there was one thing that stood out to me the most:

Story a dit :
The door banged and was knocked over. Three police men stepped up to mother in the kitchen. ''We leave in 20 minutes,'' said one officer.
''No..no! We need more time. Please.'' said mother, trying to keep herself calm.
''It's now 10 minutes. Your move,'' the police officer spit on her chest and walked out. ''10 minutes!''

Mother rushed up the stairs.

Note that the main character was upstairs. Key word being UPSTAIRS. If their parent was downstairs with the policemen, how did she know what was going on? Unless their parent told them what had happened later on, I don't think that is possible.

#218

Fallingspear a dit :
Create a new paragraph once a different person talks or a new subject is introduced. Rewrite it like this:

What? Who taught you that?
New line, yes. New paragraph? I've never heard of this. Can you provide some examples of professional writers that do this?

#219

Haruhitastic a dit :

What? Who taught you that?
New line, yes. New paragraph? I've never heard of this. Can you provide some examples of professional writers that do this?

I was about to say that too.
Anyways, about the last part--many authors have done where they tell what is happening in other scenes so the story becomes more alive..for me.

#220

Haruhitastic a dit :

What? Who taught you that?
New line, yes. New paragraph? I've never heard of this. Can you provide some examples of professional writers that do this?

Wait.
I wrote paragraph?
...Oops.
Well, I'm not the best critiquer in history, I can say that.

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