I did do a new line for a new person speaking, if you meant that.

Not only did you write paragraph, you double line broke. It's not needed.
One sample and here's another: click
You could technically say "paragraph" but paragraph is a tad confusing. I just say linebreak.
Sorry to seem nitpicky!

Also honestly the last bit didn't even occur to me. Hah I'm tired.
If this was third person omniscient (which is a fancy word for ~*narrator is everywhere*~ that'd be viable), but first person it's a little harder to do. You could say that they overheard it.

I guess so.

By the way while we're critiquing, let me drop this off: i never named this
It's a bit of a style change for me and I'd like to know if it's any decent.

hope this works
''I overheard the door banging and seemed to be knocked over. Three figures seemed to come in our house and walked up to mother in the kitchen from what I heard. ''We leave in twenty minutes,'' said a male voice.
''No..no! We need more time. Please.'' said mother, trying to keep herself calm. I could hear her sobs.
I looked down at the scene, trying to stay hidden. I saw the three men, all wearing badges.
Police officers.
''It's now ten minutes. Your move,'' the man seemed to spit at mother. He walked out and said, ''Ten minutes!''
I shivered in fear. Who were these men? Did mother know them?''

E: I also edited this:

''Mother rushed up the stairs. ''John! Elena! We must pack, hurry! We have ten minutes!''
''Mother, what is happening to us? Why are we in a rush?'' John was frantically talking and packing in fear.
''What about Father? Where is he? Where are w...'' I was cut off by mother yelling at me. I covered my ears and shut my door, my hands trembling. I was too fearful to deal with her at the moment. I grabbed three sets of clothes, my writing set, socks, shoes; and our family picture. Kissing the picture and running my fingers down the golden frame around it, I shoved it in my suitcase. The picture made me feel like I was home, no matter where I was. Little did I know, that picture would be the last time I ever felt at home for a long time.

Erikadeedee a dit :

hope this works
''I overheard the door banging and seemed to be knocked over. Three figures seemed to come in our house and walk up to mother in the kitchen. ''We leave in 20 minutes,'' said a male voice.
''No..no! We need more time. Please.'' said mother, trying to keep herself calm. I could hear her sobs.
I looked down at the scene, trying to stay hidden.
''It's now 10 minutes. Your move,'' the man seemed to spit at mother. He walked out and said, ''10 minutes!''
I shivered in fear. Who were these men? Did mother know them?''

It works, don't worry.

Haruhitastic a dit :

By the way while we're critiquing, let me drop this off: i never named this
It's a bit of a style change for me and I'd like to know if it's any decent.

I like it!
However, there are some things that kind of stood out to me.

Drabble a dit :

...street, really. In this side of the city it was dangerous. Augusta...

I'm not very sure if this is wrong or not; tell me otherwise. But I think that the sentence 'in this side of the city it was dangerous' should be divided with a comma. "In this side of the city, it was dangerous."
-

Drabble a dit :

Augusta Road had grown to be quite a skeevy area in the past few years, and here he was only a fourth of a mile from the exit that spat you onto the road.

I think that that '...past few years, and here he was only a fourth of a mile from the exit...' should be rewritten with a comma. "...past few years, and here he was, only a fourth of a mile from the exit..."
-

Drabble a dit :

"Do you need a place to stay for the night?"
"It's fine, I have a hotel I was going to go to."

This is most likely a mistake, but put the second sentence on the next line.

Oops, yeah that was a mistake. Thanks for noticing my missing commas too! :] I don't know how I didn't notice them.

Fallingspear a dit :

It works, don't worry.
I like it!
However, there are some things that kind of stood out to me.
I'm not very sure if this is wrong or not; tell me otherwise. But I think that the sentence 'in this side of the city it was dangerous' should be divided with a comma. "In this side of the city, it was dangerous."
-


I think that that '...past few years, and here he was only a fourth of a mile from the exit...' should be rewritten with a comma. "...past few years, and here he was, only a fourth of a mile from the exit..."
-

This is most likely a mistake, but put the second sentence on the next line.

Whew, thanks for helping me! I feel like I improved my story well.

E: For Haru, this is really a nitpick but here:
''Besides, it was cold. She needed shelter.''
I would rewrite it as, ''Besides, it was cold; and she needed shelter.''
I don't know why but for some reason I feel they should be merged together. ;_;
I'm a very terrible critique, hue.

Sorrrryyy if that was a dumb nitpick but I don't know, haha

I wrote a little short blurb that I don't plan on finishing, but I would appreciate critiques/opinions!

She runs her fingertips along the rough bark of the oak tree, filling her lungs with the sweet smell of fresh rain and flower petals. This part of the forest has always been her favorite place to be, being secluded from any path due to the density of the bushes surrounding the small area. This area, however, is also clear enough that she has enough room to take ten steps before hitting any of the bushes across from her. Behing her, a hammock sways lightly in the breeze, slung between two broad-trunked trees. This is among the many comforts she brings with her when she comes here, along with a woven basket of her favorite books, a pencil, and a journal. She releases the breath, not even realizing she had held it in the first place. Indeed, her favorite part of this particular area was its beauty. She catches herself holding her breath often, especially on days like this.
The sun shines through the canopy above her, allowing streaks of light to protrude through the leaves and onto the floor, illuminating the space in a spectacular shade of gold. On days like this, the light often catches onto water droplets that lay upon the leaves, allowing them to shine a brilliant silver. It had rained not too long ago, and what used to be her favorite oak tree to climb in now has a jagged line scratched vertically into its side, which had clearly been made when it was struck by lightning. A permanent reminder that such a place could hold many dangers.

Erikadeedee a dit :

E: I also edited this:

Mother rushed up the stairs. ''John! Elena! We must pack, hurry! We have 10 minutes!''
''Mother, what is happening to us? Why are we in a rush?'' John was frantically talking and packing in fear.
''What about father? Where is he? Where are w--'' I was cut off by mother yelling at me. I covered my ears and shut my door, my hands trembling. I was too fearful to deal with her at the moment. I grabbed 3 sets of clothes, my writing set, socks, shoes; and our family picture. Kissing the picture and running my fingers down the golden frame around it, I shoved it in my suitcase. The picture made me feel like I was home, no matter where I was. Little did I know, that picture would be the last time I ever felt at home for a long time.

I forgot to tell you to capitalize the word 'Mother' or 'Mom' if you're talking to her directly. Example:

"Mom, do you know where my clothes are?"
You are speaking directly to her. That is a name.

Also, you kind of forgot to add in the little 'write the word out if the number is under 100' note that Haruhi said earlier in their critique.

Woops, misunderstood; thank you.

Rubyisboss a dit :

I wrote a little short blurb that I don't plan on finishing, but I would appreciate critiques/opinions!

She runs her fingertips along the rough bark of the oak tree, filling her lungs with the sweet smell of fresh rain and flower petals. This part of the forest has always been her favorite place to be, being secluded from any path due to the density of the bushes surrounding the small area. This area, however, is also clear enough that she has enough room to take ten steps before hitting any of the bushes across from her. Behing her, a hammock sways lightly in the breeze, slung between two broad-trunked trees. This is among the many comforts she brings with her when she comes here, along with a woven basket of her favorite books, a pencil, and a journal. She releases the breath, not even realizing she had held it in the first place. Indeed, her favorite part of this particular area was its beauty. She catches herself holding her breath often, especially on days like this.
The sun shines through the canopy above her, allowing streaks of light to protrude through the leaves and onto the floor, illuminating the space in a spectacular shade of gold. On days like this, the light often catches onto water droplets that lay upon the leaves, allowing them to shine a brilliant silver. It had rained not too long ago, and what used to be her favorite oak tree to climb in now has a jagged line scratched vertically into its side, which had clearly been made when it was struck by lightning. A permanent reminder that such a place could hold many dangers.

Woah. That was really good!

One thing that kind of bothered me though was this line:
She releases the breath, not even realizing she had held it in the first place.

I think 'the breath' should be replaced with 'her breath,' but that's just me.

I think that 'It had rained not too long ago, and what used to be her favorite oak tree to climb in now has a jagged line scratched vertically into its side, which had clearly been made when it was struck by lightning. A permanent reminder that such a place could hold many dangers.'

I think that the last line should be combined with the second-to-last.

It rained not too long ago, and what used to be her favorite oak tree to climb in now has a jagged line scratched vertically into its side. It was clear that it was made when it was struck by lightning; a permanent reminder that such a place could hold many dangers.

ive not wrote for yonks and i want to but everything i write looks like trash
a novel not written by yours truly

Haruhitastic a dit :

ive not wrote for yonks and i want to but everything i write looks like trash
a novel not written by yours truly

self-criticism like that gets you nowhere
if you truly want to take writing seriously, you need to receive critiques from others (excluding family and friends (friends excluding me and other writers here)) to better improve yourself

i know :( i normally feel better about my writing but i feel like ive gone backwards recently in style and it's pissinG me ofF

how do i fix my spelling and grammar that used to be great but now i can't even type a proper sentence properly when i write stories

Haruhitastic a dit :

i know :( i normally feel better about my writing but i feel like ive gone backwards recently in style and it's pissinG me ofF

i know exactly how you feel almost i think
it feels like everything i write just looks and feels wrong as well as being internally inconsistent
thats why i ask my sister to read it for me and criticize it then i fix it accordingly

probably what you should do as well

Satash a dit :

how do i fix my spelling and grammar that used to be great but now i can't even type a proper sentence properly when i write stories

get a proofreader/editor or just leave it for a week then come back to it and fix all the errors
trust me it works

be my proofreader bb

i'd love to help out as much as i can haru
but as i've never done it before, i suggest you ask another one or two people to help out just in case

editing my own work isnt as fulfilling as helping out someone i look up to

Well, I'd love to help out.

I personally love writing stories, I've had a lot of practice.

If you want help I'd be glad to.

E: If you don't want help, or atleast not from me, that's fine. Just say.