Hello! :)

I was writing before this, so I have something to ask. Is this ok?

This:


Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully to his right. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s forceful stare to the right to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare.

Does it make sense....? I'm not sure.

Eavenne a dit :

Hello! :)

I was writing before this, so I have something to ask. Is this ok?

This:


Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully to his right. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s forceful stare to the right to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare.

Does it make sense....? I'm not sure.

Yes, that makes perfect sense. I think it is full of detail and interesting to read. Even if it's just that small amount of text.

Eavenne a dit :

Hello! :)

I was writing before this, so I have something to ask. Is this ok?

This:


Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully to his right. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s forceful stare to the right to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare.

Does it make sense....? I'm not sure.

1. i dont see how someone stares in a general direction
there has to be something there to stare at or youre just staring into empty space

2. who is them?

"causing Matthew’s forceful stare to the right" kinda repetitive at this point in my opinion
we ge tthat matthew is staring at the right from the previous line

Satash a dit :

"causing Matthew’s forceful stare to the right" kinda repetitive at this point in my opinion
we ge tthat matthew is staring at the right from the previous line

Hmm, actually, yeah. It is a bit...

Maybe try to re-word it a little?

Eavenne a dit :

Hello! :)

I was writing before this, so I have something to ask. Is this ok?

This:


Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully to his right. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s forceful stare to the right to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare.

Does it make sense....? I'm not sure.

All this redundancy is getting repetitive! Maybe for the second part, "causing his stare to escalate.." Drop the rest of it.

Haruhitastic a dit :

All this redundancy is getting repetitive! Maybe for the second part, "causing his stare to escalate.." Drop the rest of it.

adopt me

Unicorm a dit :

1. i dont see how someone stares in a general direction
there has to be something there to stare at or youre just staring into empty space

2. who is them?

1. Um...I mean that the stare is to the right.

2. Sorry for not including that. He's talking to someone else.


Edit: Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully to his right. Silence fell between them, causing his stare to escalate to a pained glare.

How is that?

"Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully at [insert conversation partner here]. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s forceful stare to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare."

i've reworded it to haru's, satash's, and my edits
unless i misunderstood whatever he was looking at to the right

Eavenne a dit :

He wasn't looking at his conversation partner.

so he was avoiding eye contact?

"Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully away from [insert conversation partner here], avoiding all eye contact. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s forceful stare to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare."

Unicorm a dit :

"Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and continued staring forcefully at [insert conversation partner here]. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s forceful stare to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare."

i've reworded it to haru's, satash's, and my edits

He wasn't looking at his conversation partner.

Alright I get what's up now, he's staring in the opposite direction because they've had a fight yeah?

Um...

What happened is that Matthew was pretending that he was okay (after an event that happened the day before). The other person (Lyra) went up to him and told him that she knew he was not okay. And he avoided eye contact with her.

Alright, then Unicorm's would work.
In the future if you want us to critique a small piece please try to include context to prevent confusion o/

Thanks a lot! Sorry for the confusion, I didn't really think about context because I didn't think it would matter. Going to bed, goodnight.

super-edited version v3 (if necessary)

"Fighting to maintain his neutral expression, Matthew bit his lip and looked away, avoiding all eye contact with Lyra. Silence fell between them, causing Matthew’s expression to escalate in intensity, becoming a pained glare, thinking about what had happened earlier."

Um.. Hi I'm working on a fanfic that I'm just posting in my tribe but I want it to be good so could you guys help me with what I've written so far?

click


not too harsh please?

Beautyiscool a dit :

Um.. Hi I'm working on a fanfic that I'm just posting in my tribe but I want it to be good so could you guys help me with what I've written so far?

click


not too harsh please?

hey beautiful :*

a dit :

She sighed, they had called her earlier that morning using a special device known as whispers.

The sentences aren't related so a comma here is kinda misplaced. You could merge it with the previous line: "Con was pacing around and tapping her foot impatiently, sighing as she waited for the agents coming to pick her up to actually show."

There's a couple nitpicky things like wording being awkward, tense swaps et cetera; but it sounds good so far. :3

Ah thank you, I thought some of it sounded a little weird especially the line you pointed out. Thanks haru :D

If you want I can give more in-depth in private since I know you're shy :B