Beautyiscool a dit :

One by one the cheese is taken
One by one the mice run by
All leaving one little mouse behind
One by one they disappear
Soon I am left alone
How did I get here?
I am just the humble noob,
Once again forgotten~


e__e I know it isn't good.. but dun judge man.. dun judge..

Good points
1. Your usage of repetition (one by one) gives the reader the impression of pasing time and mice, and that visual image there is powerful indeed. Good work!
2. The poem flows smoothy, with premise chronological order.
Needs improvements
The poem seems disjointed at parts due to the number of syllabus in each line. Lines 1-3 dun really go well with lines 4-6 as the former has a lot of syllabus, the latter has fewer. Try regulating them and perhaps lengthening lines 5-6 would be good
E.g. Soon I am just left alone
How did I get here, I asked?
Reading it out befoe concluding a poem does help to solve this problem, and note the amount of tougue-twisters in there too.
Overall, I'll give it 7/10 but if it was longr, it would have be more complete and hence better.
Thx for reading this long critique!

Galbelmz a dit :

Good points
1. Your usage of repetition (one by one) gives the reader the impression of pasing time and mice, and that visual image there is powerful indeed. Good work!
2. The poem flows smoothy, with premise chronological order.
Needs improvements
The poem seems disjointed at parts due to the number of syllabus in each line. Lines 1-3 dun really go well with lines 4-6 as the former has a lot of syllabus, the latter has fewer. Try regulating them and perhaps lengthening lines 5-6 would be good
E.g. Soon I am just left alone
How did I get here, I asked?
Reading it out befoe concluding a poem does help to solve this problem, and note the amount of tougue-twisters in there too.
Overall, I'll give it 7/10 but if it was longr, it would have be more complete and hence better.
Thx for reading this long critique!

XD well thats a better score then I thought I'd get considoring I thought it up right then and there XD thanks for the critique and thanks for not being too harsh :)

Beautyiscool a dit :

XD well thats a better score then I thought I'd get considoring I thought it up right then and there XD thanks for the critique and thanks for not being too harsh :)

^^ No prob! I didn't find any major mistake in it actually so being harsh was at the back of my mind!

crazy mice
they dance and spin
yelling out words
both harsh and kind
they troll
then they mold
together comes an anvil god
made by trollers and jokesters alike
oh, no!
I flew into the abyss

AND

I blame you, shaman!
and you, crazy hacker!
I blame the trollers and wild noobs
I blame the weird mice saying moo
I blame everyone except for me
Why did you kill me?!!!

Critique please

Roses are red
Violets are blue
And cheese is my favorite food *-*

Cheese is here
Cheese is there
Cheese is almost
Everywhere
Cheese is gone
Cheese I'm done
Cheese left me
Cheese watched me
Cheese saw me fall
Into the pit
Full of bubbles
Cheese abandoned me
Cheese, now I've
Abandoned you
I much prefer
Those bright red
Juicy strawberries~


Fin~


Lol if you wish to critique this you can but if you must please do not critique too harshly.

Annoying bubbles fill up my screen
Along with the constant chant of No cheese for you! ^_^
I shout and I yell and I scream
But the shaman doesn't make time for me
Instead the noob steals first
Thanks to your stupid balloon and murderous cannon
I'm now left to hang out with Death.

Lol I just did this for fun (~^u^)~ critique if you wanna

Flutterbest a dit :

Annoying bubbles fill up my screen
Along with the constant chant of No cheese for you! ^_^
I shout and I yell and I scream
But the shaman doesn't make time for me
Instead the noob steals first
Thanks to your stupid balloon and murderous cannon
I'm now left to hang out with Death.

Lol I just did this for fun (~^u^)~ critique if you wanna

lol cool XD and funny

sorry for the double post.. but this thread was too far down.. here is a poem by me

forever alone,
forever forgotten,
im just the one
left to go rotten,
who am i you ask?
why im the mouse
who the sham iced

is the shaman afk?
yup yes he is
damn

This is a drabble...it has neither rhyme nor rhythm, just the poem laid out bare for all to see.
I tried to act normal
But inside, I was yelling for you to look up
You were on the other side
My dear friend
Corrupted by the darkest desires
You once fought to protect me
TIll one day you lost your sanity
You gave up all
To gain power
For me…
I'm sorry.
A single tear slide down my face
I'm sorry.
I scream internally for you
To wake up
But you are already gone
Falling inside the black
I look up
The cannon you fired is coming at me
I ducked
But it pierced my hurt with a javelin
Of regret
I stare at you
Looking for signs of your kind smile
But you're crushed underneath
A million tons of darkness.
Now
The rain is pelting down on us
The mice are all dead, bubbling in Hell
All but us
We're standing in the ring of fire
One rise, one die
The deal we must make
I steel my soul
Yet
The rain
The acidic choking rain corrodes the metallic shield
Now
I cry
As we both die
In my totem of death
The cannon

I cant spel
i cant rite
i cant doo much
but won thingg
i can doo
is rite a poem
just fore yoo
do yoo sea?
my poem fore yoo?
i luv yoo
i hope u luv me
so lets settle down
and watch bar-ney
we ar litl kidz
but we ar sistrs
sistrs 4ever
sisters are the best!
oh look youve gone and
made a mess!
my writing has improved
just by being with you!
now lets go and eat some food!


another:

you are cute
you are nice
now lets go and
play transformice!
i eat some rice
as a mice
you gave me this rice
oh your so nice!
i will slice
some cheese for you
my micey micey friend
my cute nice micey mice
friend!

i'll make another poem.

Tribes are fun or maybe sometimes.
but there are more then
1,000!
To many too many
how about i just stick
with the
Fun
tribe
that
i like!

Shaman please help me...
I don't have a choice to flee!
Oh dear it's the spelling bees..
Shaman i need help don't you see?
Please help me inside outside
I need help i'm drowning
with cheese oh my god it's clyde!
Help me i beg you i'm like a mole "T_T
Maybe use the victory hole?
No no not that that's a cannon
I just feel more dull ;-;

T he mice of the world, watch them run
R eally! Watching them is fun!
A nd at BR go to room 1
N ow we're really gonna be done!
S o maybe we'll take a ride on a box
F or we just got you and a fox!
O f course we'll travel to the great places on game
R ed admins that have earned there names!
M aybe they'll be there with more!
I wish waiting wasn't a bore!
C annoning mice can really be fun
E veryone bans you and then it's all done

--

N ow that I have learned that a mouse can ask
I really want to know, why this sort of task?
K nowing what is right and knowing what is bad
N ever have I been so glad
O nly on FR will you see me this happy this way
L asting because of a promise I made away