I love this thread, I really like writing too but my problem is often I'm unsure how to continue the plot
inspiritation will definitely be helpful and criticism too ^^

Well one thing that helps is to write the stuff that you ARE inspired to write; and then find a way to loop it together.

Ah, dear, I'm sorry for the bump but I was hoping that maybe some writers could help me out with this piece?

The plot's pretty simple, as it's just a basic school assaignment.
I decided to stick to what I had some knowledge of, so I made it based on family dysfunction during an argument (that was one of the options available, more or less).

Basic background to it:
http://pastebin.com/raw.php?i=EjQrKcSE

Here's what I want critique on:
http://pastebin.com/raw.php?i=q3tQKdZ1

Summary:
They're arguing, she's in the corner of the room, in the fetal position and it ends with her hyperventailiting due to the anxiety.
-----
I'm having difficulty using adjectives + metaphor to describe her feelings about the emotion... Some I feel aren't quite right, especially the rope which just doesn't seem to totally describe it for me.

I'm also not sure my grammar is very good there; I feel like the punctuation has been used incorrectly and I'm also unsure if her feelings about their argument is totally realistic (bearing in mind she is an emphath and is has an overly-keen sense about emotion + is heavily affected about it). The dashes (-) especially... I don't think I'm using them right in some places. I think they're connecting independent clauses but it seems to me like something else would be better?

Any corrections whatsoever would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance! ^^ (Also sorry this post is so long...)

Note: that's only a small portion of it but it's the part I'm most unhappy with.

Just spotted this, but Pastebin doesn't seem to be loading. :/ I'll try when I'm at home and get back with ya.

Well this is kind of embarrasing, but I kind of wanna be a singer so in the shower I make up my own lyrics by singing songs I like, changing the tune, and making my own lyrics. But I havent written more than 5 lines yet.

Vivihi a dit :

Well this is kind of embarrasing, but I kind of wanna be a singer so in the shower I make up my own lyrics by singing songs I like, changing the tune, and making my own lyrics. But I havent written more than 5 lines yet.

Share some with us! I like to read songs. :3

Doitsudoitsu a dit :

Basic background to it:
http://pastebin.com/raw.php?i=EjQrKcSE

Here's what I want critique on:
http://pastebin.com/raw.php?i=q3tQKdZ1

Alright, here's what I notice.

- COMMA ABUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE. Don't abuse your poor commas, they didn't do anything wrong to you.
- "On the other hand, my father instead..." Uhm? If you had "on the other hand," you don't need the "instead." I'd opt for the former as it provides a bit more depth in my opinion.
- On the full thing: "On the other hand, my father instead radiated pure anger but also a flurry of unclear emotions, like he always did when he was back late on these nights; I sometimes wondered if the reason why was because he was so tired." Ditch the semi colon.
- "Curled like a ball in the corner" ??? Did you mean the person curled up into a ball while in the corner? Or was it like a ball that was in a corner? Doesn't make sense in the way you have it now.
- "Their voices were ringing loudly in my ears as the two threw words at one another - pieces of those metaphorical literature objects shattering and flying towards me, engraving deep into my skin despite my poor defensive position."
This is all jus tawkward to me. I see the picture you're trying to create but it doesn't work. Perhaps try something else.

Haruhitastic a dit :

Share some with us! I like to read songs. :3

No no, I havent made a full song yet. I guess Ill try working on some stuff now.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE EDITING INSTEAD OF I DUNNO THEN IGNORE THIS POST

a dit :

On the other hand, my father instead radiated pure anger but also a flurry of unclear emotions, like he always did when he was back late on these nights; I sometimes wondered if the reason why was because he was so tired.

You don't need both "on the other hand" and "instead" in the same sentence since they both serve the same purpose, so I'd leave it was either "On the other hand, my father..." or "Instead, my father..."

After "radiated pure anger but also" I feel that there should be some sort of verb or something there; something like: "On the other hand/Instead, my father radiated pure anger, mixed with a flurry of unclear emotions..."

(If you'd like to leave "but" in there for some reason and change it there needs to be a comma)

After "a flurry of unclear emotions" there should be a semicolon instead of a comma (comma splicing) and instead of "like" it should be "such as the way" or something better sounding

Instead of "was" it should be "came" or "arrived" or something other than was

these nights -> "nights like these" (sounds better)

Instead of a semicolon after "nights" I would make it two separate sentences

I put "exhaustion" in instead of "because he was so tired" because it was kind of drawn out

Here's my edit, feel free to ignore or change or w/e

a dit :

On the other hand, my father radiated pure anger mixed with a flurry of unclear emotions; no different than the way always did when he came back late on nights like these. I sometimes wondered if the reason for this was exhaustion (from what?).

Next

a dit :

Curled like a ball in the corner, my arms firmly wrapped around my legs, I stared with a blurred vision at my parents. Their voices were ringing loudly in my ears as the two threw words at one another - pieces of those metaphorical literature objects shattering and flying towards me, engraving deep into my skin despite my poor defensive position.

"Curled like a ball in the corner" sounds awkward so i'd replace that whole thing with
"In the corner, I curled up into a ball, my arms wrapped firmly around my legs." (with the period there starting a new sentence, and the placements of firmly and wrapped switched around)

"Their voices were ringing loudly in my ears" should be "their voices rang loudly in my ears"

"Their voices were ringing loudly in my ears as the two threw words at one another - pieces of those metaphorical literature objects shattering and flying towards me, engraving deep into my skin despite my poor defensive position." this is a really long run-on sentence

ok i'm tired now sorry i didn't really finish

soapitup best

yeah i need to go home because i am shit at crits on writing

Thanks so much for the replies! I really appreciate this since I really didn't like this part before. And, especially with the comma point, I can see more mistakes I've made in my other writing. Now that I know this it will help me to make it flow more in future.

@Haruhitastic
- Ahh, yeah, looking over it... I think I get what you're saying. At times, I kinda misjudged what was and was not extra information and used a lot of commas like you would brackets/parenthesis () for it.
- Ohh, you're right, they both mean the same thing so I shouldn't really use both (I think I'll stick with on the other hand).
- Yeah, I meant in the fetal position in the corner of the room... Hmm, I should be more clear on that, maybe giving a description on the room would be good.
- Agreed, I thought that too... It just didn't quite sound right to me either but I'm not sure what kind of metaphors to use there. I might just have to skip out on one, it'd be better than having one that doesn't make sense.

@Soakitup
No, I love edits, thank you for spending the time to go through some of it to correct. I'm going to try revising that last metaphor also because, like haru said, it sounds a bit awkward and doesn't quite work.

edit
Oh, yeah, when do you guys generally make new paragraphs? I generally do it when I'm moving onto a different subject or there's a different mood. Maybe to add suspense at times too.

While in the shower I made up some lyrics. Ill share them with u soon.

Awesome.

I make new paragraphs with a change of POV or setting (ie changing from outside to in a living room).

Here goes!
Crit please D:

Jsilv a dit :

Here goes!
Crit please D:

Um...I know I may not be the best writer/critique out there but may I try? :)

But before I start, I have to say this...In the first paragraph, the one thing that captured me was the 2nd-person POV. To be honest, I've seen horrible tries to do it that way before, and actually I found it a really good attempt. So keep it up! :D

Now, the first thing I noticed about your writing is fragmentation. For example in the first line:

Lingering at the station. Enduring the lengthy wait at the platform.

^ That is fragmentation. In those sentences the subject (in this case "you") isn't stated. While many authours do use it, if this is an English Work for your teacher it might not be good to use it too much. Reason being - it is grammatically incorrect, and you can be marked down for it. Effective use of fragmentation would be to use it with a purpose.

Take this example:

This is "bad" fragmentation

She thundered down the stairs, her eyes scanning the area frantically. Her intuition told her that something was there. Something dangerous. (Fragmentation...that can be avoided). But she saw nothing. (Also poor fragmentation)

Let's change it to:

She thundered down the stairs, her eyes scanning the area frantically. Her untuition told her that something was there, something dangerous. (change it to be part of a sentence) A sudden sound made her turn around to gasp and stare at the walls.

Nothing. (Okay, this fragmentaiton starts a new paragraph + gives this huge impact as a lone-standing word. This sort of fragmentation is encouraged but must not be too much too.)

So...yup, the fragmentation in your stories encompasses actually both types. Change it a little, and everything will be fine!

- - - - -

Another thing is the spelling and grammar. From your little errors here and there, I could see you out in effort to write, but maybe you didn't have enough time or energy to proof-read it. Well, here are some of them.

Paragraph 1
-fir (for)
-You stay stood (You stay standing)
Paragrpah 2 and beyond
-*ou (you, commonly repeated)
-Everybod (Everybody)

Tiny, tiny errors! Okay, they don't seem like they coud kill you, but you can be penalised heavily for many tiny grammatical errors. ._. I've been penalised 4 marks for spelling errors alone so....be careful!

Last up is the plot! I find no problem in the transition of events, and the delivery of ideas is rather smooth so keep it up! :D Your descriptive is enlightening, and everything I would say is well-written! :D So good job!

Edit: Thx Soakitup! :)
_____________________________________________________
And...um....A little shy but critique pls!
http://pastebin.com/k6A3xiyh

Fallency a dit :

She thundered down the stairs, her eyes scanning the area frantically. Her untuition told her something was there, something dangerous. (change it to be part of a sentence) A sudden sound made her turn around to gasp and stare at the walls.

I'm thinking that inbetween "her" and "something" there should be the word "that"

"...told her that something was there, something dangerous."

For Jsilv: hi joshbb <3 Fallency addressed everything!

Fallency;

a dit :

It was night.

With quiet footsteps echoing through the empty night,

Since you already stated it was night, there was no need to say "through the empty night." Perhaps "with quiet footsteps echoing through the emptiness?"

a dit :

Something made him stop to think, pausing to sniff at the frigid air. It was damp, cold, dark...

I'd like to think darkness doesn't have much of a smell haha

Other than that I like what I read. Keep it up!

Haruhitastic a dit :

For Jsilv: hi joshbb &lt;3 Fallency addressed everything!

Fallency;


Since you already stated it was night, there was no need to say "through the empty night." Perhaps "with quiet footsteps echoing through the emptiness?"


I'd like to think darkness doesn't have much of a smell haha

Other than that I like what I read. Keep it up!

Thx for the critique!
And yeah...I think my mind got so caught up in writing I kind of mized up my senses +_+

Thanks, yeah I couldn't be bothered to proof read but I shall do next time :p and ya, i will alter the fragmentations stuff, thankies :)

-bump- This thread must live.

I need some advice.

1. What would be a better title for a song: Dance 'till I Die or Forever Alone?
2. Should I start writing my own songs??