[Fanfiction] Noobs and Pros by Susan |
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not really exciting but I'm writing the next chapter right now there will be so many plot twists in this fanfic Chapter 5 The park bench was too itchy and uncomfortable for young Siiri to sleep on. She tried to cushion herself with the scarf she bought but it did no good. She even tried to sleep upside down, but that wasn’t a very good plan. In the end, she ended up poking Theo. “Hey, are you asleep?” she asked. “Nope,” he said and turned around. They sat in silence. About thirty minutes later, they saw a lone mouse in the distance. They were frightened that the mouse would be evil, so they scrunched themselves into little furballs and prayed the mouse wouldn’t notice them. As it got closer, Siiri became more and more afraid. What if it attacks? What if it captures us? Will I never be able to collect another piece of cheese again? Finally, the mouse walked right to where the two young mice were huddling. Siiri couldn’t hear the footsteps anymore, so she peeked up a bit. Standing there was a large mouse, and in the failing light Siiri could see that she was probably a girl by the way her hair was touching the ground. “What are you kids doing out here in the middle of the night?” she said with a foreign accent. Before either of them could respond, the strange mouse continued. “You shouldn’t be all by yourselves! Here, come with me.” She grabbed Siiri and Theo’s paws and started leading them somewhere. They didn’t resist, but they did glance at each other with a skeptical look, as if they were saying, “Should we trust this stranger?” The mouse rambled on and on about everything. Siiri didn’t pay attention to her at all, but she did catch what her name was - Yinthecya. After the long, monotonous walk, they arrived at some sort of squat house. Yinthecya led them in and walked them down the hallways and up stairs. When she arrived at their destination, she stepped to the side to reveal a door. When she opened it, the hinges squeaked. The room was small, with only enough space to barely hold a small couch and a bunk bed. Yinthecya talked about the procedures of the tribe and stuff like that, which bored Siiri and Theo. Finally she gasped and looked at them. “Oh my! Forgive me!” she said as her paw flew to her mouth. “You two must be starving! Here, let me lead you to the dining room.” She brought them there, where they were served creamy mushroom and cheese stew. Even though they ate a meal before, they still scarfed down the delicious food. After they had finished and taken a warm bath, Siiri and Theo went back to their own bunks. Siiri checked that if her things in her waist bag were there, and sure enough they were. She started to doodle and write about what happened earlier today in her notebook. The fifth page, however, was incredibly long. “Why is this page so long?” called Siiri to the almost asleep Theo beneath her. “I dunno, but we should do something with it,” he suggested, rubbing his eyes. “You’re right!” said Siiri as she scribbled down the words “Things to do” on the top of the paper. They included many things on the paper, including getting revenge on the mean mice. “What is this thing called again” asked Theo. “Uhm, I think it’s a tribe” replied Siiri. Theo jotted down “Make own tribe” and they fell asleep. They stayed at the tribe for a long time until they got enough cheese and made a tribe called Mice of Times. That, however, was the second to last thing to complete on their list. Before that, they had gotten 20,000 cheese, won 50 competitions, and much more. They even added more and more until one day something terrible happened. |
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can i critique a small thing |
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Satash a dit : sure |
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thread too low nope not allowed |
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woah second page fuck no boosts this in a sleigh |
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AHHH' Must bump. |
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Thanks for bumping guys <3 I'm taking a break [don't know how long yet, probably only a week or two] from this fanfic to do other things (I understand it's been a month and stuff but hrrng so uninspired) Sorry for the wait, I promise I will work on it during break |
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you do that i have become overly patient dont know why |
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This fanfic is so cool! |
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blargh bumping |
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[Modéré par Icewolfbob, raison : Please don't bump up your thread unless you're adding something.] |
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u _ u need to work on this but argh planning the things out, please make a character if you want to before chapter 7 or else you might only have like 1 line. |
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wwow i could fill in more charries if you wan t (llike one or two otherwise its too mu ch) |
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Sirusthemice a dit : sure but I have a character named laine (whataweirdfemalenamebutw/e)))) and I need males (I will make if no one does) |
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Susanlwu a dit : oHh i figured you nneded males so im gonna edit sometime soon edit: Name: Anthony What tribe?: pro What type of member? assistant (if you planned something else; member) Age: 16 Personality: Intelligent with a great sense of humor (which everybody but Siiri understands). Open-minded and welcoming. Picture: ![]() Name: Cassel What tribe?: loner1 What type of member?: /// Age: 15 Personality: Quiet but will get talkative once you befriend him. Skeptical and slightly sassy at times (self-defense??). Picture: ![]() |
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I hope this doesn't count as a necrobump First of all, sorry for not updating! I could win a prize for procastinating so much. Chapter 6 is almost done! I worked on it for about an hour today but I'll probably finish it tomorrow! (I am a slow writer) Sadly I didn't complete it today, I was planning on putting it with this post. After I get done with that, I'll update the OP. (After I finish some arts) Yes, I understand for my art thread and dA I said I would update it for months already and they're both still unfinished. So much procastination. The main thing, though, is characters. (They will be updated with the OP) Don't forget that the SLOTS WILL CLOSE once I publish chapter 7! It will be about 1 month from now so you still have plenty of time but if I get really into the writing, it is possible I will finish it tomorrow. So don't wait if you plan to submit a character (multiple char. are allowed, but don't get crazy. Not all will be accepted.) Furthermore, you can add a bio to YOUR characters. It is optional, and I will write them once I finish the items above, but if you want to do it yourselves it is fine with me. (and appreciated too!) exclamation point count in this update/notice: a lot (!) |
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oh my god susan ur alive. |
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Omg yay, I'm excited glad you're back to your fanfic! |
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totally one day omg excuse me for the awful dialogue x_x I am in desperate need of critiques because my writing needs to improve a whole lot by next year if I want to ever join some things. Harsh as you want. + I want to know if I'm better at writing now (compared to the previous chapters) a. no change/about same b. better c. worse d. other (? explain) The list of rules just mysteriously disappeared from the forums again. Siiri had to rewrite them, much to her frustration, since no one else would volunteer or probably even remembered the rules. She made a mental note to herself to require the other members to memorize them, then scribbled a jumbled mess onto a notepad. Maybe no one knows the rules because they can’t read them, she thought, squinting at her handwriting. “Uhm. Hi,” mumbled someone in front of her. “Hello, sorry,” she replied, forgetting she was in the main hallway of her tribe, but then noticed she hadn’t even bumped into them. Realizing that they must need something, she glanced up from her writing. “Well uh, I need to tell you something,” stammered Theo while he shuffled his feet, “But can it be somewhere private?” “Oh… Sure,” Siiri said as her eyes widened. [A/N: forgive me but I suck at this. is anyone even reading?] She followed him to a aisle off to the side where no one was. “Okay… Sorry for not telling you about this earlier, but I am going to another tribe, one that I made myself,” he said as coolly as possible. “Eh? Wait, so you’re…” said Siiri, blinking once confusedly, “You’re leaving!? Why?” “Shhh! I don’t want to draw attention. This is exactly why I didn’t say something before. You’ll make a big deal out of it for no reason at all!” Theo harshly whispered, then grabbing some suitcases that were placed against the wall. “The other members would be happier if I quit. They never liked me, nor did I like them.” With that, he whipped the suitcases around and walked away before she could say anything else. There was a piece of paper lying on the ground, probably was dropped when he suddenly stormed away. She picked it up and turned it over. [End of Flashback (Present Time)] It was the same picture that she stared at in the bedroom. Putting the frame down, she mentally calculated how long since the last time she saw Theo, about 3 weeks. She picked up her Cheesephone© and texted him, but then sighed and threw the phone in her bag when she remembered how he never bothered with checking his phone. Sighing, she stumbled out to go find him herself. “You there. No trespassing,” growled a guard mouse. Siiri simply walked up to him and said, “Actually, I’m here to see Theo.” “Not here.” “Then I’ll come back later,” she said. “No,” the guard replied, “he doesn’t have any appointments.” “What? I’m his friend though!” The guard only glanced down at her with a look of disapprovement in his eyes. “Theodore does not have friends outside of this tribe. Go away.” “How nice,” she quietly hissed. It surprised her how rude these mice were. The mice who were in Theo’s tribe. “I’m glad the members of my tribe aren’t like that,” she thought as she walked away. |
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Susanlwu a dit : I loved this |