ok c:
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Plot 15/30
Well to be honest this is nothing I haven’t seen before. Someone is mysteriously chosen to be the one to save the world. Not to mention a bunch of stuff is unexplained...and sometimes that’s okay but you have to do it right (with this story it just seems like you forgot). I was also a bit confused about the fact that Beth immediately thought “shaman goddess” when she saw Sydoline and that she knew Kura was an admin. Why did Fluffy saying “KURA” show Beth he was an admin? Wouldn’t his name show just like everybody else’s?

I guess it’s okay to have TV’s, hearts appearing when you retrieve the cheese, and your name floating above you but there are some things that just seem weird.

1. Beth knowing what the tutor mouse means when he says to use the keyboard arrows to move. Are they robots? Do they use some sort of computer device to control themselves?

2. How does she know tribe Fluffy is in? Did she access a profile with her mind or is there a logical explanation?

3. Why meeps? That’s even incorrect in game seeing as you can only use meeps in survivor if I’m not mistaken. I would say maybe it’s just because it’s one of Beth’s powers but the others could do it too.

It also seems like a good amount of time passed between chapter one and two but I’m not completely sure..


Creativity 11/20
Again not really anything I haven’t seen before.

1. Cats are such a common enemy. There are some other things that eat mice. What about snakes or some birds?

2. Enemy appears out of nowhere coincidentally by the same place the heroine of the story is.

I did kind of like how you did angel wings instead of just wings though...eheheh and I guess the fact that Beth isn't the only "angel winged mouse" is kind of creative since a lot of times in these kind of stories there's only one person with the "special power" thing.


Grammar/Vocabulary 11/20
1. There are some times you forget to line break and some of the word choices aren’t very good.

2. I’m pretty sure you can’t do something like this: "I wonder what Beth's up to now." Star wondered. There would be a comma after the now. You made this mistake a couple times throughout the story.

3. The whole blocking out a curse word with something like @#$%@ is really annoying, have the mouse say it or don’t.

4. One more thing to remember is don’t use text speak like lol, you don’t have to be as strict with things like that when someone’s talking but other than that it’s best not to do it.

Overall you’re grammar is pretty okay but didn’t really make the story any more exciting for me. (Same with the word choices... and there was a lot of repeating :/)


Organization 5/10
1. Your OP is a wall of text and after reading for a while my eyes started to get confused.

2. Don’t use ~’s as separators it looks pretty silly to be honest.

3. Stop with the random flashbacks. There’s an easier way to tell us she’s remembering something without putting this: ~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~.

4. Stop with the little author notes inside the parentheses. Explain it in the story.


Characterization 6/10
1. As the other judges mentioned Beth seems to be a bit of a Mary Sue (basically a perfect/all powerful character.) Maybe show in one of the chapters that she has weaknesses and fears just like everybody else in the world.

2. They are all immediately friends and trust each other. Weird..but again I'm not quite sure how much time passed between some of the chapters so with some of the mice this might not make sense.

3.All the other characters personalities don’t seem to show...or if anything they all have the same exact personality except some are a bit mean. I don’t even really see that Beth has much of a personality.

TOTAL: 48/90
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Please don’t get discouraged because of this! Every story has mistakes :3 and you’re not gonna improve with a bunch of sugarcoated critiques. Good luck ^u^.

OK, so Angel Wings has been fully judged. Its final average is 46.5!

(guys. please. join. i liek put so much effort into this competition ;-; )

Just gonna bump to mention that I'll extend the submission deadline for this indefinitely. That means until I get 5 stories. (assuming that there isn't some HUGE rush within the next two days)

*slowly loses hope each day the competition passes without a new entry*

poor maraoone and this thread

Maraoone a dit :

*slowly loses hope each day the competition passes without a new entry*

I'd submit but I don't have anything to submit and I'm kinda judgetastic right now :(

Five chapters?
Aw man.

I'm extending it indefinitely, so you have plenty of time to write them. c: You could always submit for the Short Story category if you wish, but that'd be risky since there's not even any participants in the main category.

*is preparing to embalm the corpse of this thread and is buying flowers for its grave*

in case you dont know what this means, this means that if no one makes a new submission by tomorrow, im shutting this down indefinitely (for the mods, this means to not delete it pleaseee)

It seems like there's not enough interest for a competition. A shame, really. If there's enough interest again, I'll ask for this thread to be unlocked. For Bethdacat, her story will stay if the competition is revived. Same for the judges, if they're still around when it comes back.

aw that's too bad :/ well I hope this thread will start up again eventually

Maraoone a dit :

*is preparing to embalm the corpse of this thread and is buying flowers for its grave*

in case you dont know what this means, this means that if no one makes a new submission by tomorrow, im shutting this down indefinitely (for the mods, this means to not delete it pleaseee)

It seems like there's not enough interest for a competition. A shame, really. If there's enough interest again, I'll ask for this thread to be unlocked. For Bethdacat, her story will stay if the competition is revived. Same for the judges, if they're still around when it comes back.

I'm currently doing a fanfic, nbut it has more than 5 chapters so...

OP a dit :

- Remember that your story must have at least 5 chapters and 1,000 words.

Well 5 chapters and 1,000 word is the minimum not the maximum so I believe you can still submit your story.

Flutterbest a dit :

Well 5 chapters and 1,000 word is the minimum not the maximum so I believe you can still submit your story.

Oh. Well uh here:Topic-461929

MICEFAMILIES I LOVE YOU WILL YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN
*tackle-hugs*

I'll add a prognosis on your story shortly. I won't really change the grades, but I'll try to make it less harsh since I think people got scared off by that x_x

Also, not shutting off competition anymore! :^)

Maraoone a dit :

MICEFAMILIES I LOVE YOU WILL YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN
*tackle-hugs*

I'll add a prognosis on your story shortly. I won't really change the grades, but I'll try to make it less harsh since I think people got scared off by that x_x

Also, not shutting off competition anymore! :^)

Your welcome!! I honestly don't think the judges are harsh at all. People just are to sensitive. (Like me sometimes, hue)

Lol. So are we supposed to judge Mice's right away like with Bethdacat's?

Micefamilies a dit :

Oh. Well uh here:Topic-461929

I may very well have no right to judge another writer's story due to my own lack of writing ability and the hypocrisy involved, but I'll do it anyway for the sake of developing my own writing skill. #nohatepls
---
PL: Plot 13/30
1. The conflict type is noticeable but there is no real problem
2. The story just revolves around someone’s daily life and there is no goal to achieve
3. All the parts about the forums are just wrong
4. The story is boring and doesn’t get me excited in any way
5.

Sourisplum a dit :

The mouse already seems to know a lot about things :/ Or they just assume all the right things.

6. Lack of description is present
7. This

CR: Creativity 11/20
1. Main character type is overused
2. Nothing new is present

GR: Grammar 10/20
1. Some punctuations are missed and misused
2. Slang is used
3. Insignificant sentence fragments are present
4. Misuse of subject-verb agreement is present
5. Comma splices are present
6. Onomatopoeia is often used
7. Misspelling/Misuse of words is present
8. “Another silence happened” sounds wrong but I can’t figure out what’s wrong

OR: Organization 8/10
1. The presence of an extra line between dialogues would help avoid walls of text
2. Author’s notes should be either left out of the story or incorporated in properly
3. Chapters are short

CH: Characterization 4/10
1. Not many adjectives are used to describe the characters (Are they mice? People? Cats? Are they good people? Bad people? Ugly? Fat?)
2. Lack of character development is present (If there IS character development, the characters are all somewhat cliché)
3. As quoted by Sourisplum
---
Total: 46/90

Topic-460433

Unicorm a dit :

I may very well have no right to judge another writer's story due to my own lack of writing ability and the hypocrisy involved, but I'll do it anyway for the sake of developing my own writing skill. #nohatepls
---
PL: Plot 13/30
1. The conflict type is noticeable but there is no real problem
2. The story just revolves around someone’s daily life and there is no goal to achieve
3. All the parts about the forums are just wrong
4. The story is boring and doesn’t get me excited in any way
5.
6. Lack of description is present
7. This

CR: Creativity 11/20
1. Main character type is overused
2. Nothing new is present

GR: Grammar 10/20
1. Some punctuations are missed and misused
2. Slang is used
3. Insignificant sentence fragments are present
4. Misuse of subject-verb agreement is present
5. Comma splices are present
6. Onomatopoeia is often used
7. Misspelling/Misuse of words is present
8. “Another silence happened” sounds wrong but I can’t figure out what’s wrong

OR: Organization 8/10
1. The presence of an extra line between dialogues would help avoid walls of text
2. Author’s notes should be either left out of the story or incorporated in properly
3. Chapters are short

CH: Characterization 4/10
1. Not many adjectives are used to describe the characters (Are they mice? People? Cats? Are they good people? Bad people? Ugly? Fat?)
2. Lack of character development is present (If there IS character development, the characters are all somewhat cliché)
3. As quoted by Sourisplum
---
Total: 46/90

Thanks for the help/judging. Ii'll apply it for when I type the story.

I guess I’ll judge Mice’s story then.

Plot 23/30
A new mouse learning about Transformice, I know that a couple of other people have done the same thing but you were one of the first that I saw who did it. (I don’t know for sure if you’re one of the first ones but I don’t always read every fanfic I see since there are so many.) It is a little boring in parts to be honest, but I think you realized this and that’s why you started the whole competition between tribes which I found interesting :3. I’ll make a list of some things that confused me:

1.Why do people make the trainer always say the exact same thing that he does in the game? After all they’re not robots or anything like that and do not use things such as keyboard arrows to move. Besides wouldn’t the trainer get tired of saying the exact same thing over and over and over?

2.Is it just me or did the helper sound really rude in this line: "Oh, I don't give free cheese darling! I only sell clothes!" She says laughing. She’s laughing at Iwuv...and I’m not saying this doesn’t happen (in the game or in real life lol) but well she’s supposed to be a shop helper, shouldn’t she be used to seemingly silly questions from new mice?

3.The helper in the shop wanted Iwuv to meet her daughters? Why? I get that you wanted Iwuv to meet some people but honestly you should’ve tried a little harder to put the other characters in.

4.The way you went about forums was a little weird for me. For one thing you barely explained about where they were going to access the forums. It also seemed kinda strange how it was like they were using computers but...I don’t know that was just weird to me.
Uh well that’s it for that I guess.


Creativity 15/20
As I said above you were one of the first people I’ve seen doing something about a new mouse learning the ways of Transformice so I’ll give you points for that. Okay so I’ll make two lists, one for things I liked and found creative and the other one for well things I didn’t find very creative.

Things I liked and found creative:
1.You had Iwuv get a little guide book (even though it’s a bit weird how it just suddenly appeared.)

2.You made something where the tribes get to compete, and it was almost like...uh well it’s obvious they do games which I guess is almost like sports for them? Well what I’m saying is that was cool eheh.

3.I like how you’re having them train some of the “noobs” because it made me laugh :D.

4.This isn’t a major thing but I like how you had the bell ring at the beginning of each map. (I always have the sound off so I never actually hear the bell but hey it’s still cool because a lot of people never even mention in it.)

Things I didn’t find very creative:
1.So many people overuse the word cheese! In almost every fanfiction for Transformice I’ve read someone ends up eating cheesecake. Flutty was even writing in a cheese notebook, I mean they just eat cheese and I guess use it to buy things, not anything else.

2.Again an overused word...mouse. Why did you have to put “Dear Mouse Diary” instead of just “Dear Diary”?

3.Mousepod...also using the word mouse (I mean I’m ok with people using mouse and cheese occasionally but using them when there’s no need to is annoying.) We don’t call Ipods Humanpods, so why should they call them Mousepods? Not to mention that it’s very strange for mice to be carrying around things like that, although I guess it might not be since they have things like radios and tvs.


Grammar/Vocabulary 13/20
Your grammar isn’t that bad but it does leave a lot to be desired.

1.There are a lot of typos and misspelled words.

2.Sometimes you forgot periods

3.Many times you capitalized the first letter of a word after someone spoke that didn’t need to be capitalized. Examples: she, he, the, etc...(another example of unneeded capitalization: Yelled a mouse)

4.Exclamation marks used way too much.

5.There was a lot of tense switching :/

6.Lack of description. Don’t be afraid to use adjectives (and adverbs!)

7.Sentence fragments. Just so you know you should really never start a sentence with and or but.

8.Don’t do something like this: "Deal." I say firmly. At the end of when someone is talking (right before the quotation mark I mean) you shouldn’t put a period, if an exclamation mark or question mark doesn’t work use a comma. Like this: "Deal," I say firmly.

9.I don’t know why but the phrasing “Another silence happened” sounds awkward...maybe try something like this next time? “Silence once again settled over the large group of mice until Cookie broke the stifling quietness” (I used quietness instead of silence because you don’t want to constantly be repeating.)


Organization 6/10
1.Don’t put author notes. Either explain it in the story or leave them out entirely.

2.Uh the point of view switching seems a bit jumbled so to speak? You shouldn’t really switch the point of view mid-chapter :/

3.I’m not a big fan of the using pictures from the real game or forums to be honest, it seems like a lazy excuse not to describe scenes.

Characterization 6/10
Good things:
1.I thought Kirin was just one of those completely stereotypical mean girls who don’t care about anybody else but I guess I was wrong.

2.I do see that you’re trying to show the characters personalities.

Bad things (well not really bad just things that if you fixed it would make the story more exciting):
1.As said above I do see that you’re trying to show the characters personalities and that’s good but a lot of the characters are stereotypical and some of the others personalities are kind of whacky and change every once in a while.

2.As I mentioned when I was talking about your grammar, it’s not very descriptive. I mean there’s not even many indications that they’re mice.

Total: 63/90
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Please don’t get sad because of this! It’s actually a pretty interesting story for me, but after all every story has mistakes.

bumping for moer entries