Well this is the perfect chance for you to start improving - which you probably will, even if you don't realize it. I'd recommend accepting critique in the future, if you really do want to improve on writing, though.

I'm looking forward to reading your story! Hopefully we'll see the first few chapters soon? ^^

Thank you!

Hopefully you will. Right now, I'm busy working on some art.

[url=]Chapter 1[/url]
Hi, my name is Jamie. I'm 16 years old and I'm the leader of Burning Fire. Every mouse in Burning Fire are Lilac and I's responsibility. Lilac is the co-leader, and helps me control these wild mice. But, overall, the tribe is well-behaved and follow directions. That's what I look for in a 5-star tribe.

Anyways, we are now practicing wall-jumping and skills. Many of our members are well trained, but some are new and don't exactly what I look for in a member of my tribe. One of our newest members is Destiny. She is a well-behaved mouse. She follows the leaders' directions and works extremely hard.

''Um...Jamie?'' a voice squeaked behind me.
I turned around to see Destiny. She pushed her red hair out of her eyes.
''Yes?'' I replied, firmly.
''I would like to learn about the past of Burning Fire.'' she said.
''Well, you can learn about it in our next class!'' I said, happily.
''Okay.'' Destiny replied, and then hopped away.
----
''Everyone get seated!'' I said to the class. When everyone was in their seat, I said ''Okay, today we will be learning about the past of this tribe!''
Every mouse started mumbling and whispering. I couldn't tell what they were saying, but I heard ''Luke''.

''Settle down!'' I said, and the class stopped.

I pulled out my textbook, and then opened to a page. ''In the old days, the Burning Fire and the Sky High tribes got along together well. The leader of Burning Fire was Angel and the leader of Sky High was Jessica. They were best of friends, until one mouse joined Burning Fire. That mouse was Luke.''

I explained the entire story to the class. It took a long time. Everyone actually bothered to pay attention today. In class, everyone would always just throw spitballs at each other behind my back. But I never yell at anyone because at least they were doing SOMETHING.

Suddenly, I heard thumping of footsteps rushing towards our classroom. I glanced at the door, waiting. The doorknob jiggled, and then came Leila. She looked really panicked and worried. ''JAMIE!''

I ran towards her and said ''What? I'm trying to teach a class!''
''B-b-but...''Leila said, stammering. ''I have important news!''
''What is it?'' I asked.
''The Sky High tribe has declared war on Burning Fire!'' Leila said, with a panicked face.
''WHAT?!'' the entire class and I cried.

Vivihi I took the character "Michy" but if you don't except it, that's fine too.
Good story so far

Great chapter 1! can't wait for chapter 2 :)

Hopes so much I'm in Chapter 2...

Here's a little more about my character;

Quiet, anti-social, always on a laptop, is really helpful when she talks, gamer girl, very kind, not the kind of person you'd want to mess with.

Vivihi a dit :

[url=]Chapter 1[/url]
Hi, my name is Jamie. I'm 16 years old and I'm the leader of Burning Fire. Every mouse in Burning Fire are Lilac and I's responsibility. Lilac is the co-leader, and helps me control these wild mice. But, overall, the tribe is well-behaved and follow directions. That's what I look for in a 5-star tribe.

Anyways, we are now practicing wall-jumping and skills. Many of our members are well trained, but some are new and don't exactly what I look for in a member of my tribe. One of our newest members is Destiny. She is a well-behaved mouse. She follows the leaders' directions and works extremely hard.

''Um...Jamie?'' a voice squeaked behind me.
I turned around to see Destiny. She pushed her red hair out of her eyes.
''Yes?'' I replied, firmly.
''I would like to learn about the past of Burning Fire.'' she said.
''Well, you can learn about it in our next class!'' I said, happily.
''Okay.'' Destiny replied, and then hopped away.
----
''Everyone get seated!'' I said to the class. When everyone was in their seat, I said ''Okay, today we will be learning about the past of this tribe!''
Every mouse started mumbling and whispering. I couldn't tell what they were saying, but I heard ''Luke''.

''Settle down!'' I said, and the class stopped.

I pulled out my textbook, and then opened to a page. ''In the old days, the Burning Fire and the Sky High tribes got along together well. The leader of Burning Fire was Angel and the leader of Sky High was Jessica. They were best of friends, until one mouse joined Burning Fire. That mouse was Luke.''

I explained the entire story to the class. It took a long time. Everyone actually bothered to pay attention today. In class, everyone would always just throw spitballs at each other behind my back. But I never yell at anyone because at least they were doing SOMETHING.

Suddenly, I heard thumping of footsteps rushing towards our classroom. I glanced at the door, waiting. The doorknob jiggled, and then came Leila. She looked really panicked and worried. ''JAMIE!''

I ran towards her and said ''What? I'm trying to teach a class!''
''B-b-but...''Leila said, stammering. ''I have important news!''
''What is it?'' I asked.
''The Sky High tribe has declared war on Burning Fire!'' Leila said, with a panicked face.
''WHAT?!'' the entire class and I cried.

nice story so far

Kattiej a dit :

Vivihi I took the character "Michy" but if you don't except it, that's fine too.
Good story so far

Oh, sorry I didnt see

Juliasaysmoo a dit :

Hopes so much I'm in Chapter 2...

Here's a little more about my character;

Quiet, anti-social, always on a laptop, is really helpful when she talks, gamer girl, very kind, not the kind of person you'd want to mess with.

I'll try to add you in, :P

Micefamilies a dit :

nice story so far

THanks!

Magistica a dit :

Here's the Stong. Shy. Mischievous. Adventerous. Prankster. Mr who gets in trouble a lot. 'Luke'

V She said 'Prankster' :P

Mellonzz a dit :

Heres the bad Luke!

Susanlwu a dit :

ref4lukekthxbye

Noobforevah a dit :

hi here luke

I DONT KNOW ANYMORE.

well atleast he has an arrow in his head ahahahah

Cool refs! I'll decide which is the best later! Just so you guys know, if you aren't picked then I'm sorry Dx

Double post, sorry :(

mman this is really good.
mind if i

Name: Alexander
Age: 17
Ref:

Personality: Open-minded, morning and fresh-air loving mouse. Might get really chatty about certain subjects but that doesn't happen often. Bit of a hypocrite and might act uppety at times.

Sirusthemice a dit :

mman this is really good.
mind if i

Name: Alexander
Age: 17
Ref:
Personality: Open-minded, morning and fresh-air loving mouse. Might get really chatty about certain subjects but that doesn't happen often. Bit of a hypocrite and might act uppety at times.

Bleh, thanks.

And about the ''man this is really good'' part, thank you! I think I should go more adventurous on my stories!

Vivihi a dit :

Bleh, thanks.

And about the ''man this is really good'' part, thank you! I think I should go more adventurous on my stories!

whats with the bleh? haha, np.

lET YOUR MUSE COOPERATE AND WRITE ON BECAUSE THIS IS dARN GOOd

Sirusthemice a dit :

whats with the bleh? haha, np.

lET YOUR MUSE COOPERATE AND WRITE ON BECAUSE THIS IS dARN GOOd

MY MUSE IS WRITING THE CHAPTER RIGHT NoW

[url=]Chapter 2:[/url]

''Why is Sky High declaring war with us?'' I demanded. I was angry. Mainly at whoever caused this upcoming war.
''I-I-I don't know.'' Leila said, stuttering. ''I was walking through the forest and saw some of the Sky High members settling in a campfire. I couldn't help but eavesdrop on them. They are truly evil mice! Well, most of them at least. Anyway, I heard a lot about ''revenge''. The leader and co-leader were there. So were some other members.''

I sighed. My class just stared. Some fiddled around with their books, some looked anxious. But some were just doing nothing. I didn't care. There was a war coming. And we had to get ready for it.
----------------
I dialed some of my bestest warriors on my phone. They were probably out hunting for some cheese. But this was an emergency. I first called Spencer. The phone rang twice before he picked up.

''Hello?'' a voice muffled. I heard some shots in the background.
''Spencer, it's Jamie. This is an emergency. Come to the tribe house immediatly. Stat. Now. Whatever! Just come please!''
''Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming!'' he said, sounding worried. I heard some rustling, and then he hung up.

Next, I called Julia. She picked up before the second ring rang.

''YYYYYello?'' she said.
''Julia! I need you to come to the tribe house right now!'' I cried, anxiously. ''It's an emergency!''
''On it! Waait...as soon as I finish this round of Angry Bir---''
''ANY DAY NOW!'' I cried. Then she hung up. Ouch, a little too harsh? Maybe, but I am nervous, worried, and scared. Which are feelings I don't usually feel.

Next was Destiny. I punched her number into the dialer, and put the phone against my ear.

''Hello?'' I heard her say.
''Destiny, please come to the tribe house! It is an emergency.''
''I'm coming!'' and she hung up.

Ah, my little brave and loyal warriors. Always on task. Well, most of the time.
----------
''Listen up!'' I told Spencer, Julia, and Destiny. Then, I explained the entire story to them. Spencer and Destiny listened carefully, as for Julia, she was on her laptop. But, I could tell she was listening the entire time she was playing her game, because her ears were held up. That meant she was listening.

''Wow...'' Destiny said, shocked.
''Who caused this war to happen?'' Spencer asked.
''I don't know for sure. But I'm pretty sure it was that one mouse who brought shame to our tribe...''
''Luke.'' Julia, Spencer and Destiny said in unison.

--------

Not as detailed/interesting as I thought it would be, but I guess it's still okay.

HAHA WOW! I'm so funny! Thanks for making me that way, Vivi!

Nice story waiting for 3rd chapter

Great story! It IS really interesting and detailed ;)

Juliasaysmoo a dit :

HAHA WOW! I'm so funny! Thanks for making me that way, Vivi!

Gotta have a little humor! :)

Kingfawas a dit :

Nice story waiting for 3rd chapter

Thanks!

Jaguaranimal a dit :

Great story! It IS really interesting and detailed ;)

Thank you!

yeah so i kind of didnt comment before but hheyu gr8 chappie.

This, to be honest, is my favorite fanfiction.