Could I get a little help on this? I wrote it for school :I please no harsh critique. I mainly need help with the tense. I've been working on not changing tense but sometimes I do unconciously, please help me a little with this?

Hollow Oak Village

Deep within an ancient forest known as Maple Wood, lies a village of mythical wonders. This village sits in a large clearing, surrounding a single tree. This tree is what gives the strange place its name, Hollow Oak Village.

A ring of trees circles the clearing, the leafy green tops going for miles in every direction. Inside the circle of trees the bright green grass sways in the gently blowing wind. Bushes, clover, and flowers give Hollow Oak Village an even more colorful and calming look. The villagers’ little cottages and cabins rest on the green, leafy foliage. Made of stone, wood, and brick these homes are neither too large, nor too small. Keeping the summer heat away and the winter cold at bay these houses are far more comfortable to live in than the ones most people live in today. And in the center of this village is the single tree that was responsible for the beauty the clearing carries on its lands. This is Hollow Oak’s monument, the oldest tree in the forest, the Hollow Oak. Though large and gray the children of the village love to climb it’s strong limbs with a smile and a giggle, and sometimes the ancient oak seems to laugh with them in this strange and beautiful land in which many creatures have taken residence.

The laughter, the songs, the music, the chatter of the people, the chips and cheeps of the birds and squirrels make the village lively and enjoyable to visit and live in. Children run around making the grass swish under their bare feet, the wind blowing them onward as their mothers prepare for special holidays. The flowers perfuming the air with their sweet and intoxicating scents, the bees making honey not only for themselves but for the other creatures who are careful not to disturb their nests. Fresh maple syrup made into little cakes and sweets for the upcoming festivals. Streamers being put up and boys and girls looking at the pretty decorations in wonder and awe, smells overwhelming and sounds cheering, spirits rising at the thought of yet another wonderful Ancient Oak Festival!


Mothers go out shopping for fabrics to adorn their favorite dresses, silks, cottons, and furs, smooth rough and soft all waiting to add the holiday spirit to the clothes that awaited them. The children running around excitement shining in their features as they ask questions and help their fathers and mothers get the preparations ready. Standing on ladders men and women string up banners saying “Happy Ancient Oak festival!” with shining red, blue, green, and gold streamers and ribbons thrown onto the roofs and earth to add a spectacular feel to the day. Women start making little dream catchers with which to make wishes, and little charms believed to give good luck. Games and stands are set up and the faeries come to do tricks and magic for the little ones and to even make a few wishing charms and good luck clovers for the luckier children. Little dwarves and elves come with their unique gems and pottery, trading for their favorite foods or silks. And a wizard or two might join the party entertaining the younger villagers with stories of their travels and adventures.
The festivity always ends on a happy note and all the creatures go home and rest for at the end of every day is another tomorrow. Hollow Oak Village is resting now, so it is time to say farewell, to the little village that has earned your affection the same way its earned mine, through laughter and mystery. Good bye, until next we meet.

sorry if this is too long ;; cause you said in the OP not to post a whole story and this isn't but it's still long and I don't want to break any rules

Beautyiscool a dit :

Could I get a little help on this? I wrote it for school :I please no harsh critique. I mainly need help with the tense. I've been working on not changing tense but sometimes I do unconciously, please help me a little with this?

Hollow Oak Village

Deep within an ancient forest known as Maple Wood, lies a village of mythical wonders. This village sits in a large clearing, surrounding a single tree. This tree is what gives the strange place its name, Hollow Oak Village.

A ring of trees circles the clearing, the leafy green tops going for miles in every direction. Inside the circle of trees the bright green grass sways in the gently blowing wind. Bushes, clover, and flowers give Hollow Oak Village an even more colorful and calming look. The villagers’ little cottages and cabins rest on the green, leafy foliage. Made of stone, wood, and brick these homes are neither too large, nor too small. Keeping the summer heat away and the winter cold at bay these houses are far more comfortable to live in than the ones most people live in today. And in the center of this village is the single tree that was responsible for the beauty the clearing carries on its lands. This is Hollow Oak’s monument, the oldest tree in the forest, the Hollow Oak. Though large and gray the children of the village love to climb it’s strong limbs with a smile and a giggle, and sometimes the ancient oak seems to laugh with them in this strange and beautiful land in which many creatures have taken residence.

The laughter, the songs, the music, the chatter of the people, the chips and cheeps of the birds and squirrels make the village lively and enjoyable to visit and live in. Children run around making the grass swish under their bare feet, the wind blowing them onward as their mothers prepare for special holidays. The flowers perfuming the air with their sweet and intoxicating scents, the bees making honey not only for themselves but for the other creatures who are careful not to disturb their nests. Fresh maple syrup made into little cakes and sweets for the upcoming festivals. Streamers being put up and boys and girls looking at the pretty decorations in wonder and awe, smells overwhelming and sounds cheering, spirits rising at the thought of yet another wonderful Ancient Oak Festival!


Mothers go out shopping for fabrics to adorn their favorite dresses, silks, cottons, and furs, smooth rough and soft all waiting to add the holiday spirit to the clothes that awaited them. The children running around excitement shining in their features as they ask questions and help their fathers and mothers get the preparations ready. Standing on ladders men and women string up banners saying “Happy Ancient Oak festival!” with shining red, blue, green, and gold streamers and ribbons thrown onto the roofs and earth to add a spectacular feel to the day. Women start making little dream catchers with which to make wishes, and little charms believed to give good luck. Games and stands are set up and the faeries come to do tricks and magic for the little ones and to even make a few wishing charms and good luck clovers for the luckier children. Little dwarves and elves come with their unique gems and pottery, trading for their favorite foods or silks. And a wizard or two might join the party entertaining the younger villagers with stories of their travels and adventures.
The festivity always ends on a happy note and all the creatures go home and rest for at the end of every day is another tomorrow. Hollow Oak Village is resting now, so it is time to say farewell, to the little village that has earned your affection the same way its earned mine, through laughter and mystery. Good bye, until next we meet.

sorry if this is too long ;; cause you said in the OP not to post a whole story and this isn't but it's still long and I don't want to break any rules

I think maybe you should think about your passive/progressive writing in the last paragraphs.

Ok thanks for reading it and giving the advice.

Sure! I'm a bit busy now so I can prolly crit it a bit later with more things but it's cute *-*

Ty :D
- darned to short of text T^T

critique Topic-390833
ignore the human-ish stuff in there, i'm gonna make a new fan fiction

So, we had to write about what annoyed us from Victorian times as if we were a Victorian. Yes, I know...not interesting but please give it a read c:

I wrote this some years back, around the age of thirteen?

Critiques are wanted to improve my creative writing skills.

And for all you Americans out there

County
Noun
A territorial division of some countries, forming the chief unit of local administration.
The people of such a territorial division collectively.
Synonyms
shire - district - region - province - earldom - canton


Yes, please do critique.

Yay replies *-* I'm so happy~
Note to Beautyiscool, your passage is a little long but it's not too bad so it's alright. Thank you for posting! If you seek more crit let me know.

I'll reply to everyone else's in a bit, would anyone mind looking at this in the meantime?

a dit :

Solomon found himself moving away from his computer after a couple hours of work and Skype chats. He briefly typed "afk" into one chat with someone who he had renamed to Mad Max, and then went to grab a drink from the fridge. He decided to jot off a quick text message to a work colleague who he had befriended recently. It hadn't been intentional, his boss at the moment was pushing them to work together. But the guy seemed nice enough.

16:08:39: Hello Aedan. Are you free tonight? I figured you could come over and we could work on the new project. Let me know, I'll be here for a while.

He turned his phone off and slid it into the pocket of his slacks, realising that if Aedan was to come over it would've been the first human contact he had in a week. With his family on vacation and his brother (thankfully) in school, he was alone in London again. It wasn't a problem in the slightest for him... but right now, he felt a little lonely. Thus in the long run, he invited a work colleague over under the guise of working.

Thank you!

e1 -
Jsilv:
- Don't place anything along the lines of a spelling correction right into your work. I see "ham(p?)ster," and it's slightly off-putting. When you write I suggest keeping a dictionary with you at all times to try and get it. Since most of us use our PCs to write; it's as simple as going to Google
- "The peasants, to me were nasty, repulsive and unpleasant." The comma after "the peasants" makes it awkward. You could rewrite it instead as "the peasants were nasty, repulsive and unpleasant to me." HOWEVER, repulsive and unpleasant are synonyms so you're really just making it redundant.

Everything sounds nice and I feel like you are speaking from the point of view of an actual member of royalty/the higher class. Well done sir.

\\marches into the thread and takes a seat.

I AM GOING TO WATCH THIS THREAD VERY CAREFULLY AND MAYBE POST SOME STORIES FOR CRITIQUE.

Reference for everyone: http://www.archetypewriting.com/real/real.htm
This should help you put more depth in your characters.

I was wondering if anyone could give me critique on the first section of a story I'm writing? I have not finished it yet, and this is only the intro, but I would really appreciate some feedback before I continue onwards.
It's a bit long, so click here to go read it
Thank you!

EDIT: I gtg to bed, so I'll look at replies when I wake up tomorrow. Thanks, guys. o3o

Hmm. Because you commented on my fanfic, I'll see what advice I can give you.

I like the idea. You might want to proofread it after you write, as I can see some redundant words. (Admittedly it is a nitpick. And I shouldn't be critisizing you about this, seeing as I didn't proofread Hope.)

I understand why you named the world "Transformice" but perhaps you might not want to name it Transformice. Mostly because the name "Transformice" doesn't really apply to what you say after that. Seeing as how mice don't transform. (Though I assume you're writing for the Transformice community so it doesn't really matter in this context).

After you say "The World of Transformice" you might want to put in some detail about the world, how it functions, how the system works out, the character of the mice there etc. (Really, though, it's not a major flaw. Seeing as how you're writing for the transformice community. It would be a nice addition. I know you mentioned how they gather cheese but it would be nice to have more detail.)

Now, for something that confused me when I first read. You know how Taiyo (her name sounds Japanese) was talking about how she was not alone; she was with the sun spirits? After which she proceeds to say that they were her servants? I don't knos if it was because of me assuming or you implying, but I was under the impression that Taiyo was one of the sun spirits; that they were of the same kind. I know that you specified that she was a goddess beforehand, but I still got that impression. Then Taiyo said that they were her servants and I was like, Huh? So, perhaps you might want to specify the difference in rank between them in the same sentence. Because I suppose "spirit" and "goddess" were interchangeable...I don't know. In fact just leave it. It's probably my fault.

Also, Taiyo could question why the SS (Sun spirits) don't talk to her a little more. Ok. After she questions, she says that it made her love the day even more. I understand, but you might want to state the reason in detail. One last thing about the paragraph: "It was kind of lonely to be honest" should have a comma between lonely and to.

The next paragraph. I put a comment down, then supposed it was probably my problem and deleted it. Well, no problems in that paragraph.

Next paragraph. This shaman goddess intrigues me. She certainly seemed like an interesting character. I had this image of- of a benovelent shaman (What was I thinking, a random sham with a smile on her face? Don't judge me.) in my mind. Until you stated that she couldn't speak, of course. Then I was like, she's interesting! But that raised questions. If the SG simply...existed...

1. How did she rule Transformice?

2. Why did she let Taiyo come down to visit?

3. Was she setient in the first place?

4. How concious of her own self was she?

5. If she simply existed, it makes it seem like SG was like an object. Well then, how did she know when to use her powers?

6. And how did she use her powers in the first place if she merely existed and probably wasn't setient?

You might want to answer them. Otherwise, I think this Shaman Goddess has a lot of potential. Of course, the SS and Taiyo both have a lot of potential as well.

Also...when does Taiyo wake up? She seems to be watching the Sun rise, but if she is linked closely to the sun, she should only awake after it rises. Also, why was she dismayed that the sky was blue? I don't get it. ._.

You could explore Taiyo's psyche a little more, but I suppose this IS an introduction, so it can come later. I have no problems other than the ones raised.

Now for the good stuff!

Interesting idea, of course. I think it has a lot of potential, and I look foward to (if I ever get to read it, that is) reading about the interactions between Taiyo and the mice! I also hope the SG appears (I have this problem in which I am most invested in side characters. ._.). Another hope is for shamans to appear, as in regular shams. I am quite invested in what will happen next. I suppose it must be awkward for, say, a Sun Goddess to randomly appear and start...I don't know, grabbing cheese with the others? Then again that's probably not happening.

I love the story and it was a great read! :) Good job!

(Also. When I first read my mental image of Taiyo was, you know, that blonde mouse who appears on the loading image? The "Shaman Goddess" as she is known as? Then afterwards a REAL Shaman Goddess appeared in the story, so I don't know if I should imagine Taiyo as the blonde mouse or the SG as the blonde mouse...

Jsilv a dit :

So, we had to write about what annoyed us from Victorian times as if we were a Victorian. Yes, I know...not interesting but please give it a read c:

I wrote this some years back, around the age of thirteen?

Critiques are wanted to improve my creative writing skills.

And for all you Americans out there

County
Noun
A territorial division of some countries, forming the chief unit of local administration.
The people of such a territorial division collectively.
Synonyms
shire - district - region - province - earldom - canton


Yes, please do critique.

I think the reader can read your point clearly and you gave us fine reasons why about what annoyed you
I really don't have anything to critique although if you wanna ask someone else for critique you can go ahead
it's amazing! ^-^

Waugh, thank you, I'll definitely keep all that in mind. It'll make it a lot easier to proofread. Details and plot holes to fill... Thanks for pointing those out omg xD She's awake because the sun broke the horizon, but the day doesn't start until the bottom of it hits the horizon line. I guess I should add that detail somewhere. :P Taiyo is simply a mouse with the sun fur, to answer your question at the bottom there. I'll try to make that a bit more obvious.

Overall, thank chuuu x33

bumping for writers
yay

I've been lacking on my crit giving, sorry; but I'm very happy to see other writers utilising this topic now! Please don't be shy to post here, lovelies.

On topic, would anyone give a read over my latest chapter? I feel like something isn't right here but I just can't put my fingers on it.

Haruhitastic a dit :

I've been lacking on my crit giving, sorry; but I'm very happy to see other writers utilising this topic now! Please don't be shy to post here, lovelies.

On topic, would anyone give a read over my latest chapter? I feel like something isn't right here but I just can't put my fingers on it.

I would do but I don't want to spoil this fantastic story for myself plus I'm in no place to critique such a fantastic writer :(

iMPORTANT ALERT WRITER FRIENDS
DO U LIKE WRITE
DO U LIKE WRITE LOTS
WHAT ABOUT 50K?
OR ROUGHLY THERE?
IF YES I THINK U WOULD BE INTERESTED IN NANOWRIMO
MORE INFO Topic-449059
LOVE U ALL

ty haru
I highly doubt I could write 50k words but we'll see

a dit :

*bumps for the sake of crits*

I'd like critique for this Chapter 1 I wrote (not for NaNoWriMo). It just feels like I'm missing something uber important and the story itself feels very awkward but I'm not sure why.

a dit :

It's rated R!

Here.

I'm actually really interested in NaNoWriMo. I won't be joining the site proper, but I'll make a story and post it on Wattpad just to see if I can reach 50k words. I doubt it thought because, assuming I write it /all/ in November, I'd have to do 2,000-3,000 words per day. The longest chapters I've ever written are 3,000 words long, and I didn't write those in one sitting @_@ But I'll just set a low boundary of 30,000 just in case.

Now, I kinda need some feedback and advice. My plan is to write the story twice, in two languages: Filipino and English. I'll write the Filipino version first, and translate it to English later on.

The name of the story will be 'Weave of the Tongue'. It's a literal translation of a Filipino saying, 'habi ng dila' which means 'gossip'.

The story will revolve around a class of 37 kids. Now... here's the part where each and every one of you will say I'm insane. I plan to make ALL of them protagonists.

How?

The POV will switch between every student. Don't worry, I know how to handle those. It's not like I'm gonna be like.

BOY:

OH MY GOSH.


THIS GIRL JUST LOOKED AT ME.

IM SO EXCITED.


GIRL:


EW.


THIS BOY SCARES ME.

There's going to be many sub-plots, because come on, it's not like your class only deals with one thing overall. Your best friend has some issues, the class clown has some issues, and that bully you've dealt with since kindergarten definitely has issues. The main plot however will deal with a girl who is attacked at a party. She feels traumatized by the event, but wrongly accuses someone else of being the culprit. Misinformation soon spreads like fire about what happened (hence the title), and the boy ends up villified nationwide.

Please don't try discouraging me from this project. I realize how insane this is, but I will ride this ship until it sinks (this is why I still update my fan-fics on CFM :P). What I just want is feedback and advice on how to handle this. Also, I don't think 50k words will even be the halfway point of this story.