Flutterbest a dit :

I guess I’ll judge Mice’s story then.

4.The way you went about forums was a little weird for me. For one thing you barely explained about where they were going to access the forums. It also seemed kinda strange how it was like they were using computers but...I don’t know that was just weird to me.
Uh well that’s it for that I guess.

I agree. The forums were hard to explain a little bit, but I don't think they'll be in the story anymore.

Flutterbest a dit :

2.Is it just me or did the helper sound really rude in this line: "Oh, I don't give free cheese darling! I only sell clothes!" She says laughing. She’s laughing at Iwuv...and I’m not saying this doesn’t happen (in the game or in real life lol) but well she’s supposed to be a shop helper, shouldn’t she be use to seemingly silly questions from new mice?

When I see it, I don't think of it as a rude thing, but I see how you thought that from what she said. And I guess that she should of been use too it. I guess I've just never thought of if.
-
I think the main thing for me to improve is for grammar and to be more descriptive.
Which I'll try to use, along with everything else.
Thanks~

now need some judging from haru and maraoone

I'll get judging in a bit, got some work to do. Watch this post.

Bumping don't want this thread to die :D.

Micefamilies a dit :

I agree. The forums were hard to explain a little bit, but I don't think they'll be in the story anymore.
When I see it, I don't think of it as a rude thing, but I see how you thought that from what she said. And I guess that she should of been use too it. I guess I've just never thought of if.
-
I think the main thing for me to improve is for grammar and to be more descriptive.
Which I'll try to use, along with everything else.
Thanks~

now need some judging from haru and maraoone

Yes I imagine forums would be really hard to explain...and now that I'm thinking about I don't know how I would explain them without kinda having computers (or something like computers) involved.

I want to post it just here; but it has 11 chapters and yu2hjik
it would take up alot of space ;_;

Erikadeedee a dit :

I want to post it just here; but it has 11 chapters and yu2hjik
it would take up alot of space ;_;

you can post a link

i dont wanna post it on cheesformice
or
anythin
maybe ill make a thread for it

Oh you haven't made a thread for it? Well um maybe Maraoone would let you post it just here instead of giving a link. Even if it takes a lot of space maybe you could seperate the chapters with flags so us judges aren't scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. I mean of course that's up to Maraoone, but I don't think Mara will mind since so far only two stories have been submitted and it would be wonderful to have some more entries c:

why dont you just post it on pastebin and then give us the link

Yeah, any method would work! I think I mentioned that you could post it in this very thread. Just, of course, separate it by flags, ESPECIALLY if you're chapters are 1k word-walls of text. Or you could post it on pastebin.

And I'm SO sorry for not being here. I haven't been able to get on because of internet being knocked out, tons of preparation for this quiz bee, and being sick. :c

I've been working on the review for Mice, but I'm only up to Chapter 3. Also, I tend to make it as I go and I still have to condense it or stuff (although, if you ever want the full review, just tell me!).

Unicorm a dit :

why dont you just post it on pastebin and then give us the link

yes that would work as well

Maraoone a dit :

And I'm SO sorry for not being here. I haven't been able to get on because of internet being knocked out, tons of preparation for this quiz bee, and being sick. :c

Oh that sucks, I hope you get better soon. (also good luck on the quiz bee)

In case it wasn't obvious enough by the lack of reply for weeks, I'm gonna put this competition on hiatus until... next next week. Maybe sooner if I'm lucky. I still have a lot of stuff going on, but I SWEAR I haven't forgotten about judging.

I'm also thinking about simply making this into a separate critique thread for fan-fics. Maybe every now and then we could have a special prize for the best story (maybe best story out of every ten that are reviewed, maybe every five). This is just an idea and I'm not sure on this at all. So if you think this is a wonderful idea, say so! If you think this idea should be shot down immediately, say so also.

EN Writers Thread is set up for critiques just a note.

Welcome to Transformice by Micefamilies

Total Score: 54/90

Plot: 17/30
- Uh... the story starts off really slow here. With the first couple of chapters, I thought you were just making a journal featuring the daily life of mice, and it only gets going by around Chapter 7. The plot's normal, nothing new, rather predictable, but it's not one-sided, I'll give you that. Also, the fact that you showed the viewpoint of the enemies is nice.

Creativity: 11/20
- Not much I can say here. The story's really quite mundane, and there's nothing really NEW. I have to give points, however, for including the forums since that's not something I see often. But there's still a lot of tropes here that I've seen before, and I think I have a fair idea of where this story would've gone had you not cancelled it.

Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/20
- Reason for this score is there's nothing extraordinary about the choice of words, a few formatting errors here and there.
- Also, grammatical errors like:
Now I shall go to the store, I got out the book and looked for where the store is. After that I went searching for the store!
Wording is awkward and it changes tenses rapidly.
- Finally, it's weird how your character can 'faintly' hear someone asking you something, yet doesn't respond. A quirk you should keep an eye out for.

Organization: 8/10
- Not much I can say here. If it weren't for the pictures (a nice touch, I'll say) not being uniformly sized, it'd be a 10! You did pretty well here, and nothing, aside from the size of the pictures, was off.

Characterization: 7/10
- The characters are really flat to be honest, but the reason why the score is relatively high is because you're actually developing them! I'm referring to Kirin during the last couple of chapters. To be honest, this is a trope I've seen before, but at least she isn't just some meanie. This is all baby steps, and nothing really revolutionary, but your characters were starting to develop. So a score of 7. It'd be higher, but there's still a lot of typical tropes that you really should fix.

umm is this competition still running?
well i'm not sure if all of the chapters equal to 1000 pages long but i recently requested a lock on this and i'm fine with any info so if i plan on writing in the future it'll help
Topic-507379

Bengalstar a dit :

umm is this competition still running?
well i'm not sure if all of the chapters equal to 1000 pages long but i recently requested a lock on this and i'm fine with any info so if i plan on writing in the future it'll help
Topic-507379

i love you now i have a purpose for living
---
PL: Plot 21/30
1. How does Yukizomi “smile” and reply “happily”?
2. The mother smiled while yelling?
3. “Oh yeah, Bya was his/her name. I wanted to write a note down if I ever saw her again, she seemed kinda nice.” How did the MC know Bya was female?
4.

Satash a dit :

“u spelled funny wrong lol” I smiled and replied back, not knowing that the post was actually pure sarcasm.

How would Choochoo even know if it was pure sarcasm at the time? You're going from her view, not the narrator, right?

CR: Creativity 15/20
1. Not too many fanfics about the forums
2. Characters’ displayed types can be seen in many stories already

GR: Grammar 11/20
1. There are some English mistakes like:
- “Most coolest”
- Tense changing between past, present, and future
- Incorrect tense-agreement in sentences
- “…keep IN my pathetic lie.”?
- “I was already frightened if the same users…” Isn’t ‘if’ supposed to be ‘of’?
- It's name was “Sourbot...” Its is possessive, not it’s
- “A legit mouse no bot no nothing.” Some punctuations are missing

OR: Organization 9/10
1. Walls of text are an eyesore

CH: Characterization 5/10
1. You don’t describe the characters too much other than the MC’s own opinions on them which by themselves aren’t very reliable

TOTAL: 61/90

Maraoone a dit :

Welcome to Transformice by Micefamilies

Total Score: 54/90

Plot: 17/30
- Uh... the story starts off really slow here. With the first couple of chapters, I thought you were just making a journal featuring the daily life of mice, and it only gets going by around Chapter 7. The plot's normal, nothing new, rather predictable, but it's not one-sided, I'll give you that. Also, the fact that you showed the viewpoint of the enemies is nice.

Creativity: 11/20
- Not much I can say here. The story's really quite mundane, and there's nothing really NEW. I have to give points, however, for including the forums since that's not something I see often. But there's still a lot of tropes here that I've seen before, and I think I have a fair idea of where this story would've gone had you not cancelled it.

Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/20
- Reason for this score is there's nothing extraordinary about the choice of words, a few formatting errors here and there.
- Also, grammatical errors like:
Now I shall go to the store, I got out the book and looked for where the store is. After that I went searching for the store!
Wording is awkward and it changes tenses rapidly.
- Finally, it's weird how your character can 'faintly' hear someone asking you something, yet doesn't respond. A quirk you should keep an eye out for.

Organization: 8/10
- Not much I can say here. If it weren't for the pictures (a nice touch, I'll say) not being uniformly sized, it'd be a 10! You did pretty well here, and nothing, aside from the size of the pictures, was off.

Characterization: 7/10
- The characters are really flat to be honest, but the reason why the score is relatively high is because you're actually developing them! I'm referring to Kirin during the last couple of chapters. To be honest, this is a trope I've seen before, but at least she isn't just some meanie. This is all baby steps, and nothing really revolutionary, but your characters were starting to develop. So a score of 7. It'd be higher, but there's still a lot of typical tropes that you really should fix.

I did realize that my grammar , was pretty off in story a few times when you mentioned it owo
but it was helpful~