[Fan-Fic] Spreaded around |
Iwuvcheesed « Citoyen » 1382630880000
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//SPREAD IT AROUND\\ FIND YOUR WAY AROUND: 1st flag: OP and information 2nd flag: Characters and form 3rd flag: Chapter 1! //CHARACTERS AND FORM\\ MAIN CHARACTERS: Iwuvcheesed Iwuvcheesed is a kind and gentle little mouse, altough she seems a bit 'Tough' she is the sweetest mouse you could meet. (when you don't get on her bad side) Marliaaa Iwuvcheesed's best friend, she is very sweet, but is very shy with strangers or mice she's never talked too, Marliaaa likes reading books and enjoys the critters that are chirping around TFM. Noobforevah A close and trusted member to the group, but doesn't get along with Micefamilies so well, the troublemaker and dare-devil of the group, due to this, she finds the disease... Micefamilies A experienced little member, but she doesn't get along with Noobforevah, instead she tries to ignore her and is the 'acteress' of the friends, and is normally found roleplaying with her tribe. Flutterbest This member of the group is a hard working mouse and a workaholic, who tries her hardest to get things done, she's very sensitive like Marli, and adventurous like Noob. SIDE CHARACTERS: Cookiekingss: [[Still waiting for picture]] A simple mouse who has an addiction to cookies, he isn't that pro, he isn't that noob, he's just a simple mouse who goofs around and makes people smile. Squeakishly Usually pretty quiet, But don't get her wrong she isn't shy. She usually has a lot on her mind. She is smart, and always sticks up for her friends. CHARACTER FORM: Name: Picture of mouse: Gender: Info: Extras: //CHAPTER 1\\ "Come on, you slow couches!" Shouted Noobforevah, running into room 1. Flutterbest was huffing and puffing. "W-wait for us!" She wailed. "We're close enough to you" I moan. Micefamilies was whining and moaning "Waaaaagh, can you shut up for once and let us catch up!?" "Noob is kinda right, if we aren't quick enough, we'll mice the announcement and the room will be full!" Panted Marliaaa. The mouse count was rising up and the mice entered through the door, we were nearly late. I really couldn't take it, they were taking so long, so being at the back of the group, I was going to push them into the door. "Oh come on!" Noob groaned. "Do you see how far away you are from me? Thats about 1 year! AND THATS NOT EVEN A LENGTH!" "Oh come on no-" Paused Flutter, I wouldn't blame her though, when I pushed us in, she was on the bottom. "OW! My head!" Mice complained, rubbing her forehead. "Well just thank me that we just got in before the room got full," I shouted. Apperently we DIDN'T get in before it got full, we all came in at once, so about 5 mice got kicked out of the room. Sydoline jumped onto the stage and tapped a microphone twice. "Hello mice!" Everyone stayed silent and listened to her. Moderators stayed still with ban hammers with a very serious face. One mouse at the front trying to keep his words in. "T-THERES A GIANT PRIZE FOR ANYONE WHO CAN FIND OUT WHY EVERYONE IS DIS-" The mouse shouted across the room, shooting the words out like gunfire. One of the mods came with a kick staff and whacked it on the mouse, so he got kicked out of the room and into room *Bad Girls. "As you know, many mice are disapearing, we admins aren't sure of what is happening, Tig is looking through the coding, but he hasn't found anything, this means theres only a player or item that is.. Gaah, I can't even say it," There was a sudden pause.. Why? Because Sydoline had disapeared along with two other mice, silver particles falling on the floor. "SCREAAAAAAAAAAAM!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" "SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Had came from all sides of the room, everyone fleed. // END OF CHAPTER 1 \\ |
Immagetcheez « Citoyen » 1382634840000
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By "spreaded" what do you mean? Is it a word you made? |
Iwuvcheesed « Citoyen » 1382637780000
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Immagetcheez a dit : Thanks to the power of google i'll try and fix all the 'Spreaded' I can find in the story, edited some bits of the story too *-* |
Sourisplum « Citoyen » 1382638320000
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Wow nice story so far, it's written with really bad grammar though :/ |
Iwuvcheesed « Citoyen » 1382638560000
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Sourisplum a dit : Thanks, I know it's not the best though :I nowthetitleiskindabotheringmenow |
Immagetcheez « Citoyen » 1382640240000
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Nice story! I can help with the grammar. Otherwise, this is cute :3 |
Iwuvcheesed « Citoyen » 1382640360000
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Immagetcheez a dit : Some critique would be nice ^^ |
Haruhitastic « Censeur » 1382643420000
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i'll edit this post with critique in a few, i promise im not as scary as i seem the first thing i notice though is you're capitalising every word after dialogue, which isn't needed. ye ill finish in a few i got customers coming in |
Kattiej « Citoyen » 1382646240000
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Iwuvcheesed a dit : One of the mods came with a kick staff and whacked it on the mouse, so he got kicked out of the room and into room *Bad Girls. ___ well this is minor but you just said a guy got kicked into the room *Bad Girls. Just pointing that out, of course you can leave it like that but I just wanted you to be aware, nice story though |
Haruhitastic « Censeur » 1382655060000
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okay i wont bother editing - you're capitalising the first word after each bit of dialogue. this isn't necessary. - please use spell check, i see misspelled words - "Sydoline jumped onto the stage and tapped it twice." tapped what? - "Moderators stayed still with ban hammers with a very serious face." redundancy. try to choose your words more carefully, you could've said "moderators stayed still with ban hammers, serious looks on their faces" or "moderators stayed still, ban hammers in hand and serious looks on their faces," or really anything that doesnt have "with" in the sentence twice. - don't use speech to denote shrieking or screaming. please. this isn't a comic. you could easily have said "the mice shrieked when they saw she disappeared," or something. |
Squeakishly « Citoyen » 1382655720000
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Name: Squeakishly Picture: Gender: Female Info: Usually pretty quiet, But don't get her wrong she isn't shy. She usually has a lot on her mind. She is smart, and always sticks up for her friends. |
Flutterbest « Citoyen » 1382660820000
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The first chapter was awesome! Can't wait for more :D |
Cookiekingss « Citoyen » 1382705400000
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cant wait for my character to be in, loving the story and plot. :) haha this thread makes me learn stuff. |