I played so much Transformice I almost died |
Niclas « Citoyen » 1470702780000
| 0 | ||
In 2015, I played on average 13 hours of mice every day for ten months, from January to October, or approximately 3700 hours. Hours typically ranged from 8 to 15 hours (I assume; I never knew for sure how much I actually played). Subjective experiences ranged from slightly glowing mice to complete loss of any sense contact with the physical world around me (and a 10 minute (haha) at one point). I had the ability to. I had savings. I lived in a house of accepting camgirls. Real life wasn't getting in the way. The first thing people usually want to know is why? Nobody gets addicted to flash games. It's unheard of. When people play one, they stay generally keep the hell away from it for several months. It can be a very overwhelming experience, noncommunicable, and utterly alien. I did it because I felt like I was learning. Every time I completed a map I had the overwhelming sensation that the doors had opened and I was mainlining information from a direct source of truth. Every time I stopped playing, it felt like those doors closed, and I forgot most of what I'd learned. But I wanted to remember. So I kept doing it. Again and again, more and more cheese. I needed to play. I produced builds of vast proportions. I played bootcamp. When we imagine playing flash games frequently, we imagine it as a form of escapism - that real life is too difficult, that we want to shut down for a time. Transformice was exactly the opposite. It heightened senses, heightened what I was aware of in my own mind, let me explore the way my own thoughts formed. It took what I was and shoved my own face in it. I couldn't look away. It is very difficult to talk about the "things you learn" while playing mice, because it occurs while in such a deeply altered state that language ceases to apply. It really is more about a way of looking - a very specific type of engaging in experience. "Thinking about the experience" defeats the point, because thinking about it is not the same thing as "having it". Applying words to the experience is misleading by nature. It is the concept in math where defining a thing gives it an outside and an inside, and thus you can never define the thing that is "always outside" - in giving it a term, in identifying it with boundaries, it is no longer what you are trying to say. The Tao that can be named is not the Tao. It is the unspoken, the Mu. As time went on, I stopped viewing myself as a being separate from the universe. Sensations became interesting to watch, not motivating. I entered such a permanent state of utter peace and contentment that I stopped wanting anything at all. And by the end of it, I barely got out of bed, barely ate. I had stopped working almost entirely and was living off slowly depleting savings. Why would I work? Why would I do anything? I was.... not happy, not sad, I simply was. I was free of desire. I did not fear death. And, ten months in, I realized that's what I was looking at - death. I would compulsively whisper "I am dead" under my breath throughout the day. I was an empty vessel. And I realized, that if I kept playing mice, I probably would die, out of sheer apathy. I wasn't terribly worried - but I had to make a decision. Did I want to continue down this path, knowing the end was oblivion? Or did I want to close the doors and return to the world of the living? I chose the latter - not due to any compulsion or «survivor» instinct (at least not subjectively) - but because I casually figured living would be more interesting. The journey back was almost as strange and beautiful as the journey in. As my motivations slowly began returning, I found all I wanted was to forget. Whereas before I was trying to immerse myself in the game, now I was constantly attempting to shut eyes that were permanently pried open. No matter where I turned, Transformice had been seared into my brain. It was like that feeling you get when you watch a movie and are suddenly aware that, just out of the frame, there are camera crews standing around the actors, and you stop buying into the story because all you see is the movie set. I just wanted to pretend real life was real. I wanted to feel invested in myself. I wanted to feel upset, insecure, proud, happy, anxiety, anything. I wanted to stop playing Transformice. Before I chose real life, I didn't mind the deep nothingness I had sunk into - but after the choice was made, it became... not uncomfortable, but strange. I felt like I had abandoned an old lover, like this constant twinge of pain, like a splinter in my throat I couldn't dislodge. I thought constantly about logging in again and being reunited with my mice friends, my beloved tribe, and my first ratio. I collected cheese in my dreams. Over time, almost without me realizing it, the eye slowly eased shut, like going to sleep. I started to find myself caught up in moments of real life. I started to feel insecure again, annoyed. And it was shitty and amazing. It took about another ten months for me to return to roughly where I'd been before I started playing mice 13 hours a day. Sometimes certain types of noises or quick movements will trigger it, where I'm sitting there and suddenly the dash for the first has turned on me and I am melting away. It is very intense. I don't mind, though. That's a fundamental part of the feeling, really - that I don't mind when it's happening. I feel like I've pulled the wool over my own eyes. I've bought into this world. It is profoundly comforting in a way so subconscious it's difficult to identify. It's as though at all times, behind my ears, there is a powerful belief whispering it's okay. When I get locked out of my apartment, when debt collectors call, when my mom tells me she found a lump in her breast - it's okay. I chose this. I am full, I am held. I am not afraid anymore, and when I am, it's because fear is interesting, because I have the privilege of feeling it outside the confines of a virtual reality. My underlying motivation now is to convey this awareness to others (or feel as though I have). It seems like the most important thing, the only important thing. And so here I am. Please go outside. Dernière modification le 1470703080000 |
Scudder « Citoyen » 1470703500000
| 0 | ||
that's deep, man. i liked reading about your experience. |
0 | ||
Well,u told the story as if u were an author,that's reallly... affecting,well,u turned something that could be lame into something kinda exciting but trageic,also,u can play "Transformice" if u want but not that much,bro,make it alot less,that's just my opinon,I don't advice u to do that if it have any percentages of another tragedies,but really,man,that's really,u got some good talent in writing stories :P |
Migratingpig « Citoyen » 1470704160000
| 0 | ||
This is a really fantastic read, I know many of us, including myself, struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis and getting out has always been difficult challenge to overcome. The only time I would ever get out or go outside is due to school. I would go to school, not talk to anyone, then come home and be on this game. This was 2011-2014. In mid 2014, I found myself a job, i was so afraid to get out, but i hung in there and I decided to throw myself out there more and more, and eventually, I am not afraid to get out. And my time on tfm has decreased dramatically. Now I know what you're all thinking, especially those that know me, "Why did you come back and play on a daily basis!?" Simple, I found enjoyment in this game, but I'm only on here when I have free time, such as no work, no school, homework comes first *I'm a 5th year University student* friends want to hang out, etc. I love to get out, but I'm not rich, so I can't get out and go everywhere and spend so much money at a bar or wherever I find enjoyment. I recommend, to get better, is to find a Job if you're old enough, or go do a sport. Getting out, even if you have bad anxiety and can't seem to do it, start small, you can and will get better! Go for a walk around your block if you can, or even begin opening your windows. Work your way up, don't force yourself to do something you're not comfortable with, just slowly but surely push your limits. Now that's the end of my story, there's much more to it than what I wrote. Also, I hate to be the downer, but sitting too often can lead to blood clots and can be very bad, I suggest every 30 minutes to an hour to do some sort of jumping jacks, push ups, sit ups, like get your body moving, don't stay seated in 1 position too long, get active! |
Jittercritter « Censeur » 1470705000000
| 0 | ||
Thank you. |