Heyyy I see you wanted some input on your little story. I apologize if I end up rambling, but mind if I give a little (I WAS JOKING THIS THIS IS HUGE) review? :)

shardpixel a dit :

Heyyy I see you wanted some input on your little story. I apologize if I end up rambling, but mind if I give a little (I WAS JOKING THIS THIS IS HUGE) review? :)

Spoiler

To start, I wouldn't call this a Creepypasta. I'm not saying this as if, "Oh it's not good enough for that," but I always see Creepypasta used as a genre and it's wrong. If it's not actually on the site, try calling it a horror story instead. Plus, I'd be more inclined to read something if I wasn't told it was a Creepypasta, generally because I'm not a fan of most of the stories on that site. (I think many of the popular ones are terrible.)

Now, in terms of the story, I need to be honest to get the point across; this is too rushed. Every sentence introduces a new action, and it's very choppy. Because of this, no atmosphere is developing and the story loses it's horror sense.
Here are a few examples of how these could be written:

Spoiler

Camillot was having a normal day... Booger wanted a Hi-Five.

The sun shone brilliant rays through the cloud-speckled sky, and the air was light as a refreshing breeze flowed by. It was the typically nice weather that Camillot knew and recognized well. Everyone seemed to be in cheery spirits, most definitely including Booger, who zipped up to Camillot with a smile.
"Hey, Camillot! High five!"

Spoiler

He used the wrong hand. Booger was now bleeding to death! Camillot scrambled all over the room to find a box of bandaids. As soon as he did, Booger was lying down. Motonless. On the floor.

As he raised his arm to give Booger what he asked for, there was something off that he ignored in the moment. Before completely registering the concern and horror that dawned over Booger's face, there was a terrible sound of screeching metal that cut everything else out of the air. As Camillot's ears rang from the shrieking noise, he now had been able to understand that he had done the unforgivable. His axe-hand had sliced clean through Booger, now spurting blood at a deadly rate. Though the echoes that had faded away from the slicing sound, the ringing in his head persisted, louder and louder. His vision cut back to a small, shrinking box. He felt hot and lightheaded, frantically searching his mind for an answer, an explanation to what had just occurred.
"No... No, no no no," he muttered over and over in his half-conscious state. "This... This has to be a dream, it has to be!"
But no matter the number of times he blinked, nor the amount of time he questioned the recent events, nothing got rid of the motionless, dead body sprawled out in front of him.

Those are long, right? Even so, they could be better. But do you notice how extended moments can have a greater impact on a story's overall mood and feeling?

Grammar Mechanics
Avoid using too many ellipsis (...) in your story. They are good for suspense, but no longer do their job right when overused. To make it easier to gauge how much you should use them, you really should just try to avoiding using them at all, especially when they aren't in dialogue. I know I used them twice, but using them anymore than that can make the writing less appealing.

"BUT." is a very problematic sentence. Yes, it's okay to use fragments rarely in your stories, but they must be done right. Though there wasn't much before the "BUT." sentence, the caps locked fragment completely pulled me out of the story. It's so sharp and sudden that it has no place in a horror story.

On a similar note, don't use caps. It's hard to get used to not using them, but it will make your piece look much more professional. Try to learn how to get the same loud emotions out some other way. (Show, don't tell ;))

DIALOGUE: I made this caps because it's extremely important to learn how dialogue works. Many people do it wrong and it makes a story so challenging and annoying to read.
Every time a new character speaks, it must be in a new paragraph. Otherwise, people can get confused over who is talking. It also looks messy if they are all combined.

Story tense. Make sure that when you are writing, you remain in the same tense the entire time. (Unless there is some complex exception, but there isn't one here.)
"His cousin Mixadel walked over. "It's alright... we make mistakes every now and then." says Mixadel."

General Warnings:
I am not trying to be rude, trust me, but this story contains a lot of cliche internet horror aspects. Because of it, I actually found myself finding the story funny rather than creepy or scary.

Here's a list of some of the common story elements / "bad" story elements you included that should be changed:
-Rushing into gore straight away
-Band-aids can cure wounds
-Conveniently finding said Band-aids / other items
-Skipping right to the next day after something tragic
-Funerals aren't the day after a death
-Camillot not getting in any trouble for murder (even though it was a mistake)
-Repeating the same mistake and killing someone else
-Repeating the phrase "bleeding to death"
-Not describing feelings enough "So and so was very sad..." "So and so began to cry..."
-Character is suicidal in the blink of an eye
-X-shaped wound
-Crying blood
-Visible, smiling souls of the killed
-Character suddenly goes insane
-Urban legend about Camillot coming to kill you. Even though his only two original kills had been a disaster to him, he became a murderer in a flash.

I apologize if this was (again) rude to you, a bit much, or got you feeling down... But writing is tricky! If you follow these tips, you're writing can definitely improve :))

Ahhh, I see, I should edit the creepypasta again, A lot of these ideas are great! I used the "Band-Aids can cure wounds" cliché because Camillot was just panicking so hard his mind wasn't thinking straight. XD. I will PM you to talk more about the Creepypasta/Horror Story so we wont get off-topic.

With the help of Shardpixel, the Creepypasta is now improved! ALOT

A Mistake:

It was a lovely day, Sun was shining, birds were chirping... What a nice day. Camillot noticed one of his best friends came. "Hey C! Wanna Hi-Five?" asked his friend Booger. welp I lost it from there XD Booger got his wish. Camillot ignored the fact that he was using the wrong hand. It was a good day anyways. That's when he realized the horror on his friends face as his hand was bleeding at a alarming rate. Camillot was panicking. So many thoughts were flowing through his mind. He only paid attention to two of the thoughts. That he harmed his pal and, to get band-aids. Yes, band-aids. He was panicking enough to get that idiotic thought through his mind. So Camillot rushed to the cabinets trying to find a box of Band-aids. As soon as he did he turned to the next room, seeing his friends corpse sprawled out on the floor.

The next week on a rainy Thursday, there was no school. Just for Booger's funeral. Camillot knelt at the grave of his dead friend, sobbing. His best friend, Jamzy walked over to the sad mixel and said "Hey bud, it's okay, we all make mistakes. And relax, the police at least understood that it was a mistake."

Camillot sadly looked over at his friend, still crying. He hugged Jamzy tightly. Camillot was almost done hugging him, (not noticing any blood spurting out of Jamzy) when he noticed he wasn't breathing. Camillot looked up at his other friend, who had a dead look on his face. No, literally a dead look. He dropped his dead friend onto the soggy ground, crying harder.

His cousin, Mixadel walked over. "Hey cousin, it's okay, everymixel makes mistakes every now and then. And we learn from those mistakes." replies Mixadel. What Mixadel said had to be the most wisest thing Camillot has ever heard from a despicable cousin like his.

At the cart they were on their way home. Camillot was still sobbing. He looked over to Mixadel, accidently swinging his ax arm...Now, Camillot made another mistake. He saw that Mixadel was bleeding to death. Camillot started to cry, this was his fault! The same thoughts went through his mind again, 'Find a box of Band-aids' and 'You harmed your cousin? What a shame...'. Well, that last thought as sorta change but still, There was nothing at all to use to heal Mixadels wound.

"MIXADEL!" Shouted the worried Mixel, who was still crying.

"You were a good cousin..." replies the almost dead Mixadel. Ignoring the fact that he was almost dead, he smiled. His smile faded as he had his last seconds.

Camillot was extremely upset, crying harder. He had no one else to be with... He made sure no one was watching... He opened the door of the cart and jumped out. Everything went black as he landed on the wet grass of Mixel Park.

As soon as everything went back to regular vision, Camillot was confused, wondering what happened. 'Why were there 2 scratches across his chest?' 'Why was he at Mixel Park?' Most importantly, 'Why did his heart feel like dropping on a spikey ground?'

He came to realization... remembering the death of his 2 friends and his cousin. He slowly stood up and sadly walked over to the Weeping Willow tree nearby and sobbed some more, Nothing could stop this amount of crying he had. He felt horrible, most importantly, alone. He gazed up at the Weeping Willow, the waving branches seemed as if they were arms, reaching up to him, wanting to help him. As if... his friends were reaching out for him... like if they revived from the dead. But Camillot knew that it would be impossible... Right?

Camillot thought of so many things, eventually thinking that he could hurt them again! So he walked away from the tree with fear. He walked into the deep woods, wanting to protect others from him. His hand was like a dead villain, reviving into his ax hand, wanting him to kill others. He was insulted... by himself... 'You're horrible Dorkallot!' 'Why do you even exist?' 'You stupid idiot!' 'Everyone hates you!' 'All you do is harm!' 'L0L, U MADE A DURT HOSE? L0L N00B!' were all of the thoughts flowing through his mind.

He continued to cry as more of these thoughts went through his mind. He continued to cry until he realized... he was laughing. He didn't do anything to stop this... feeling! He never felt this before! It was as if the Villain-possessed ax went to his mind, but... He felt GREAT! He never stopped crying, but he allowed this laughter to take over himself! He knew he was going crazy, but... he never knew that becoming crazy felt so good! He wanted to do more of this! He wanted more of this feeling! It was as if he allowed 300 bricks off of his shoulders! Thanks. To. This. Feeling. He wanted ANY MIXEL to come to the woods... So he could have more of this feeling! So he could murder again! So he could... feel good again. And so, he vowed to let this feeling to continue forever, with murder. And as he made that vow, he smiled... with one, big, smile.

Random Darky and Bubbles drawing for PickledPink:

Darky: SHUT. UP.
Bubbles: *insert LOL spam here*

That moment when you get a 90% on a test

PURE BEAUTY

pickledpink a dit :

my soul in a nutshell

TRUTRU

BEEAUUUUUTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Fuuuuuuuuuuuusssssioooooon!

Keep up the great work and remember practice is important!

mixelslover a dit :

Darwin, my favorite character of The Amazing World Of Gumball!

This is a OLD piece of art... like 2 yrs!

love him to <3
gj on art!!!!!!!

Thank you all X3
I plan on being a animator so this art is important!
Again, thank you!

Save the fandoms.

Meep~

Requests are open!

I will NOT do
1. Inflation
2. Feet Fetish
3. Any other nasty fetish. Sorry.

I will do
1. Anything that is not on the Will not do list.

Request away!

-Mixelslover

New artstyle.
Yey

Your art is so cute!