recently, i've just been. a mess. i guess i've always been a huge disgusting mess of a person, but it's getting to the point where it's driving people away from me when i'm finally trying to drive myself towards them in a positive way.

i think it started up with the new school i began attending a few years ago, but ever since then, i've just been bundled in my own fake little 'persona' i set up for myself. i mean, it was fine when people didn't like me at all, but once people started paying attention to me, i kicked it up several notches and now i'm nothing like my real self and it's actually really annoying. i'm usually not one to toss myself into the "i'm trying to fit in" category, but i think maybe i should face the fact that i'm kind of slipping into it and it's not doing me any good.

i've always been a real smart kid - straight A's, honours classes and all - but i've surrounded myself with the wrong people from the start and now it's shaping me into someone i don't want to be. as in, i find it easier to be someone i'm not than who i really am, and it's leading to my grades actually dipping into low A-high B territory because i never focus in class and all i do is goof off with the people who have been bad influences since day 1.
i'm being deadass when i say that one of them kept making sexual remarks towards me and i asked him to stop, but he was like "oh what am i TRIGGERING you?" and when i got mad at him and ignored him/seemed really down-in-the-dumps for 3 days after, he kept apologizing and asking whywhywhy i was being so 'depressed'.

i know i don't fit in. i should be okay with that, but i'm not. i don't wear all the same clothes everyone else does, and i don't wear expensive jordans or whatever people wear and think is 'cool' nowadays. i'm partially myself, partially not - my personality differs from class-to-class, wherein some teachers somehow have had me silent since day 1 and others have had me bouncing off the walls, being disruptive, and an overall douchebag since day 3. no matter how many times they reprimand me, i still remain the same. that's not the real me, though. the real me is the shy one that appears randomly in different classes, and the one who doesn't call out for the sake of being entertaining to others. but, i'm still obnoxious in other classes, and i've noticed it's because of who i sit next to in those classes. i feel the need to impress these people that i know aren't going to go anywhere with their lives if they don't stop their bullshit, whilst i actually have reasonable goals for myself in life that i'm currently trying my hardest to reach.

don't even get me started on the fact that i'm now currently being made fun of (in a seemingly playful way, but it's annoying nonetheless) over the fact that i can't write for very long periods of time because my bones hurt, or i feel the need to fall asleep because my medicine makes me real tired sometimes. and other times, it makes my stomach hurt so bad that i'll start crying in the middle of class, and nobody cares to ask what's wrong (and if they do, they don't seem genuinely concerned). instead, they just laugh or ignore it, when i'd much rather have someone to complain to every now and again because these problems are my fucking life now. unless my doctors can find some other medication that doesn't make every inch of my being hurt to the point of me being in tears, then i'm already fully aware of the fact that i'll have to be on similar medications for the rest of my however-long life because i'll be in even more pain if i don't.

i have a huge phobia of needles, and i have to self-administer weekly injections starting in a few months. it's going to be two separate injections, but the fact that they're going to be a weekly thing is really making me anxious. plus, i now have a doctor i have to see weekly, and another one i see biweekly. i, again, havce a phobia of needles and doctors, so my life is toppling downhill, pretty much. i suppose i'll have to get over both of those things, as well as my whole fucking existence. also, the medicine i have to take weakens my immune system, so i could very easily be hospitalized for a simple cold, so i have to be extremely cautious about biting my nails and chewing on my thumb and stuff.

i never really cared, but i guess it's all catching up to me now and it's got me really on edge when i could be worrying about much more important things, like studying for my upcoming science test or something. but, every single time i get on the internet, i just know i'm signing online with some sort of fake persona, or at least the real me with some falsehoods bundled in. but i'm?? already in so deep??? i don't even know which one is the real me anymore because of how much time i spend by myself, on this stupid computer or on my dumb phone and i type away with some personality that i don't think quite matches up to what i assume the real me is. but, whatever, i guess. it is my fault that everything is like this, after all.

i guess i don't really deserve proper friends anyway, which is why i've got the ones that bring out the worst in me instead. i hope it's all worth it in the end because all i'm trying to do is work up to being a successful, functioning member of society, but i don't see it happening at this point. however, if i can't be of any use to the world in some way, then i don't exactly see the point in even being here.

so, yeah. i hope it's all worth it. (p.s., this isn't even all of what i wanted to say, but my bones hurt, per usual. so, you know, i can't do normal human things most of the time.)