Haruhitastic a dit :

If you want I can give more in-depth in private since I know you're shy :B

That would be wonderful, I edited it though and hopefully fixed some of the mistakes so maybe read that first? Cfm?

Sure! I'll head there briefly

Planning on doing a fan fiction for awhile, but lookng at how much I failed in my English Compositions in exams, i feel is best for me to do some 'exercises'.

Is it possible to critique this for me? What I have written is from a short video clip called 'Tiny Nomad' by Toniko ,
This is the part at 4:00 into the video.
----
Her eyes gazed at her son, seeing him eagerly patting down the soil with both of his bare hands, seeds of a peach beneath it. Her mind wandered off to the past, where she pictures him gobbling up his first taste of a freshly picked peach, his face full of crumbs, making him look rather humourous.
Her memories were cut short when she heard rumbling from a distance. She turned her head towards the unsettling sound, to see an incoming scopian charging towards them. Her eyes focused behind it, there came with an army more of its species.
To see the chaotic scene before her, she went up to her feets and snatched up her son's hands, his face went from calm to an utter shock as he looked up at his mother. Both have left the farm together hand in hand, the son's cape swayed in the gust of winds and the mother, holding down her Grey Kimono low as she ran.

There were a lot of lines that seemed awkwardly written and it seemed to sway in and out of present and past tense willy nilly. There were also a few spelling mistakes.

Techtriostep a dit :

Her eyes gazed at her son

Might just be me, but this sounds a little awkward. Perhaps changing it to something like "Her eyes shifted in the direction of her son, gazing at him" or just simply "She gazed at her son."

Techtriostep a dit :

seeing him eagerly patting down the soil with both of his bare hands, seeds of a peach beneath it

The use of the word both isn't really necessary. Also I assume at the end of the sentence you meant the peach seeds were beneath the soil, not the boy's hands because you used it and not they. It might be better to put the fact that there were peach seeds under the soil directly after mentioning the soil, otherwise it could be kind of confusing.

Techtriostep a dit :

his face full of crumbs

Covered in would probably work better than full of.

Techtriostep a dit :

she heard rumbling from a distance

Swap from a distance with in the distance

Techtriostep a dit :

Her eyes focused behind it, there came with an army more of its species.

Something like "Her eyes looked past it, trying to focus, and she saw an army more of its species," would make more sense.

Techtriostep a dit :

To see the chaotic scene before her, she went up to her feets and snatched up her son's hands, his face went from calm to an utter shock as he looked up at his mother

Sounds kind of choppy in the first bit, try doing "seeing the chaotic scene before her made the mother instinctively come up onto her feet and snatch up her son's hands."

Techtriostep a dit :

and the mother, holding down her Grey Kimono low as she ran.

No need for capital letters really and the wording could be improved to "and the mother, holding the fabric of her grey kimono down low as she ran." (or something like that)
-
All together with suggested changes, consistent tense, etc...-

Her eyes shifted in the direction of her son, gazing at him as he eagerly patted down the soil that hid the seeds of a peach beneath it with his bare hands. Her mind wandered off to times of the past and she pictured him gobbling up his first taste of a freshly picked peach, his face covered in crumbs making him look quite humorous.

Her memories were cut short when she heard a rumbling in the distance. She turned her head towards the unsettling sound to see an incoming scorpion charging towards them. Her eyes looked past it, trying to focus, and she saw an army more of its species.

Seeing the chaotic scene before her made the mother instinctively come up onto to her feet and snatch up her son's hands. His face went from a calm expression to a look of utter shock as he stared up at his mother. They left the farm together, hand in hand; the son's cape swaying in the gusts of winds and the mother, holding the fabric of her grey kimono down low as she ran.
-
Note to more experienced critiquers (not sure if that's even a word, but I forgot the correct term): If I'm wrong about any of this, feel free to correct

I wrote a story. But I'm not sure if it's good or not.




Skylar ran through the forest as fast as she could. She didn't know why she was running, but she was running. At the corner of her eye she saw him. A big hairy man, with blood red eyes and sharp wolf-like teeth. He was gaining on her. Soon he would be on top of her. Then she would surely die. Suddenly she stumbled on a tree root and instantly, he was on top of her! Skylar screamed as loud as she could as his teeth sank into her neck and pain engulfed her with the blackness.

Skylar jolted up in bed screaming, then suddenly closed her mouth. She was in her bedroom. She was safe. One of her servants rushed in to her room.
"Are you alright Princess Skylar?" the servant asked. Skylar flopped backward and let her head hit the pillows, with her hands hanging over both sides of the bed. She covered her face with her hands.
"Oh David" she mubled through her hands, talking with her natural english accent "I had the most awful dream you could ever imagin" she finished. The servant, David, came to the side of her bed.
"Tell me what is was about" he urged her. Skylar groaned and let her hands lay on her chest.
"Well I was running in a forest..."



That's all I have. Does anyone have tips for me?

Skymouseeee a dit :

She didn't know why she was running, but she was running.

don't repeat "running". use a synonym or a different phrase (like explain how she's running).

Skymouseeee a dit :

At the corner of her eye she saw him.

*"In the corner of her eye" makes more sense.

Skymouseeee a dit :

He was gaining on her. Soon he would be on top of her. Then she would surely die.

short sentences are good for making things dramatic, but don't OVERUSE them. use connectives to create more complex sentences.

Skymouseeee a dit :

Soon he would be on top of her.

Skymouseeee a dit :

he was on top of her!

again, try not to repeat yourself - instead phrase it differently, or remove it completely.

Skymouseeee a dit :

pain engulfed her with the blackness.

doesn't really make sense and sounds awkward?? "pain and blackness engulfed her" flows much better

Skymouseeee a dit :

she mubled

Skymouseeee a dit :

ever imagin"

proofreading would be a good idea. typos are actually super important, because they can easily break a reader's immersion in the story

overall though, it's pretty good! i would recommend going over it and changing a lot of your simple sentences into more complex ones.

Mark crilley just uploaded a video about writing not long ago, thought it can be useful for this thread

so THIS is where the writers thread went! Didn't see it had a separate category now whoooops

random question, but does anyone have any tips for being able to focus when you write? i get distracted so easily seemingly no matter what i do and i can't write for long periods of time without getting distracted for 10 minutes or longer, and i never get anything done as a result :c i love to write my attention span is just crap

suggestions?

kiyokimaus a dit :

random question, but does anyone have any tips for being able to focus when you write? i get distracted so easily seemingly no matter what i do and i can't write for long periods of time without getting distracted for 10 minutes or longer, and i never get anything done as a result :c i love to write my attention span is just crap

suggestions?

i have terrible focus as well

what i do is i write on a medium i am comfortable using and writing with (i.e. my tablet) so i don't get distracted since it's a hassle to switch between apps and the screen is so small my eyes don't go all over the place compared to the desktop

stalking a thread on these forums, i found an application on a certain someone's desktop called 'FocusWriter' where there is nothing but a text page where you can do nothing but write and write since there aren't any distractions like the start menu or the tool bar

http://gottcode.org/focuswriter/

*i don't use focuswriter since i don't like writing on my desktop but i have it just in case

another thing you could try is writing in your spare time all the time because the more you write, the more you'll adapt to writing for longer periods of time

oh man that looks really useful, thank you! and yeah, of course!!

how do i get motivated to finish writing pieces
i love writing the skeleton and the start of the piece but then i quickly lose interest when i read the middle/end of the piece
i have so many writing pieces but i just can't get myself to finish them

Satash a dit :

how do i get motivated to finish writing pieces
i love writing the skeleton and the start of the piece but then i quickly lose interest when i read the middle/end of the piece
i have so many writing pieces but i just can't get myself to finish them

Sometimes it helps to describe the area/place/setting in the story using the five senses, what the character sees smells hears etc. My dad does it all the time when he loses the motivation to write, it can really help.

And if that doesn't work if you have other specific scenes in your mind but they're at different points you could try writing those first before working on other parts of the story to get your motivation back.

Hope one of these help.

Beautyiscool a dit :

Satash a dit :VoirMasquer

how do i get motivated to finish writing pieces
i love writing the skeleton and the start of the piece but then i quickly lose interest when i read the middle/end of the piece
i have so many writing pieces but i just can't get myself to finish them

Sometimes it helps to describe the area/place/setting in the story using the five senses, what the character sees smells hears etc. My dad does it all the time when he loses the motivation to write, it can really help.

And if that doesn't work if you have other specific scenes in your mind but they're at different points you could try writing those first before working on other parts of the story to get your motivation back.

Hope one of these help.

i already apply the five senses into my writing on a regular basis so that won't help

and i already do the second tip because that's what i do when i get bored

sorry, it seems i already do both of them :(

Satash a dit :

Beautyiscool a dit :VoirMasquer

Satash a dit :VoirMasquer

how do i get motivated to finish writing pieces
i love writing the skeleton and the start of the piece but then i quickly lose interest when i read the middle/end of the piece
i have so many writing pieces but i just can't get myself to finish them

Sometimes it helps to describe the area/place/setting in the story using the five senses, what the character sees smells hears etc. My dad does it all the time when he loses the motivation to write, it can really help.

And if that doesn't work if you have other specific scenes in your mind but they're at different points you could try writing those first before working on other parts of the story to get your motivation back.

Hope one of these help.

i already apply the five senses into my writing on a regular basis so that won't help

and i already do the second tip because that's what i do when i get bored

sorry, it seems i already do both of them :(

aww, oh well

sorry I couldn't help

Satash a dit :

how do i get motivated to finish writing pieces
i love writing the skeleton and the start of the piece but then i quickly lose interest when i read the middle/end of the piece
i have so many writing pieces but i just can't get myself to finish them

im presuming that youre more of a hobbyist writer than a serious author

so i suggest you just take it slow
write whenever you feel like it
theres no rush

if you think the story goes stale at some point, dont stop writing and continue
no matter how bad it gets, just keep writing as much as you can
even a word per day will help

This sounds weird to me, but I just don't know exactly how to put it...

" I fiddled around with my pen and stared out the window at the road that stretched far beyond the café I sat in, with a neatly brewed cup of tea on the square table that barely went over my knees. I tapped my small table with my left hand and my other hand held my chin. "

e;; fixed