Maraoone a dit :

wall of text

Instead of making everyone protagonists, don't you mean making everyone main characters? Because a protagonist is sort of a main main character (like in the Pokemon animes, if Ash, Misty, and Brock are the main characters, then Ash is the protagonist); so you should probably make that girl who got attacked and the falsely-accused boy the protagonists or something since they're part of your main plot.

This is just my opinion, don't mind me. o3o

oh.

rite.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Thanks for correcting that!

HI WRITER FRIENDS

Unicorm a dit :

I'd like critique for this Chapter 1 I wrote (not for NaNoWriMo). It just feels like I'm missing something uber important and the story itself feels very awkward but I'm not sure why.

Here.

I don't have the time to proper review but what's up with that random spacing every couple paragraphs?

Maraoone a dit :

walloftext

This sounds really awesomeeeeeeeee. I've always wanted to do something like this.

Unicorm a dit :

I'd like critique for this Chapter 1 I wrote (not for NaNoWriMo). It just feels like I'm missing something uber important and the story itself feels very awkward but I'm not sure why.

Here.

I'm sorta new to the writer's thread so I'm not sure exactly how useful this critique will be, but uh. Yeah.

Probably one of the most awkward things about it are the paragraphs. I see what you're trying to do with them, and it's different from the usual way of writing prose (kind of? i can't really say that since there's so many different writing styles--), but they're pretty hard to use effectively.
Some of them are way too short, and I would suggest only using short paragraphs to build tension (for example, a single sentence about one of the main characters getting shot).
Also, the tenses are kind of messy, and you have a tendency to skip between them. (i don't do english lingo so i'll try explaining with an example:)
-from page 13
1) "Jeff, though, is just running along the sides of the cafeteria..."
2) "A piece of wood just flew into my eye..."
If we removed the other words of sentence 1, it would be "Jeff is running" and sentence 2 would read "A piece of wood flew", and both are different tenses. I've noticed you do that several times, so I would probably completely proofread and fix some of those.

Another thing is that it doesn't really have an easy flow (or at least, it seems kind of forced).
The dialogue, especially, is just sentences of speech marks, so I would add in character's actions to the dialogue, just to make it sound less like a list and more like a story (i guess?).
Also, some of the sentences are way too short and this makes the narration come across as really stiff...and awkward. Similarly, to the paragraphs, I would only use short sentences occasionally to make specific scenes seem dramatic. Using sentence connectives, like "which" (i'm sure if you google for them, you'll find a list of them), will really loosen the flow and make it much easier to read.

Welp.

Zetsuen a dit :

anotherwalloftext

o ty *-*
ill get to work nao (i just rly love lists)
1. fix paragraphs lengths [done]
2. fix easy flow [done?]
3. add actions to dialogue [done]
4. fix stiff and awkward sentences [done?]
5. add sentence connectives [done]

Haruhitastic a dit :

I don't have the time to proper review but what's up with that random spacing every couple paragraphs?

I just copied it straight from Microsoft Word so liek the spaces I used are still there
6. fix random spacing [done]

Haruhitastic a dit :

Either go with present tense (Jeff is running, a piece of wood has flown) or past (Jeff was running/had ran, a piece of wood flew).

got it
7. make everything present tense [done]

Either go with present tense (Jeff is running, a piece of wood has flown) or past (Jeff was running/had ran, a piece of wood flew).

okay so liek, i spent my day editing it so could i get some more crits please o3o
i dont want to continue writing until this chapter is perfect
also please be as harsh as possible with the crits

here

why do you keep spelling like with liek

Satash a dit :

why do you keep spelling like with liek

force of habit

Unicorm a dit :

okay so liek, i spent my day editing it so could i get some more crits please o3o
i dont want to continue writing until this chapter is perfect
also please be as harsh as possible with the crits

[url=http://www.wattpad.com/27426984-did-you-hear#!p=1]here[/url]

yAY MORE WALLS OF TEXT FOR YOU
---
I forgot to add this onto my last post, but maybe you could put more description into some of the action scenes?
So when there's an explosion, you could talk about the senses, and the scent of burnt wood, or the sting of hot pieces of flying shrapnel which graze your cheek. (what those were really bad but you get the idea)
---
Also, good work on the corrections! But when you fixed the dialogue, you sort of messed up the sentences.
When another character speaks, there's a new sentence.

For example:
"So, Levi, I'm assuming you took care of the hostages?" Bianca asks, as Levi treats my eye wound. "Yeah, they're safe now." Levi says.
-page 14

Because a new character is speaking, there's a new sentence.
"So, Levi, I'm assuming you took care of the hostages?" Bianca asks, as Levi treats my eye wound.
"Yeah, they're safe now." Levi says.
---
By the way, I would do a quick spell check if you haven't already, I noticed you typoed "complicated" on page 14.

some writing sounds so awkward

Zetsuen a dit :

anotherwalloftext

TY FOR READING IT AGAIN

1. add more description/observations
2. fix typos [done]
3. v [done]

Zetsuen a dit :

But when you fixed the dialogue, you sort of messed up the sentences.
When another character speaks, there's a new sentence.

For example:
"So, Levi, I'm assuming you took care of the hostages?" Bianca asks, as Levi treats my eye wound. "Yeah, they're safe now." Levi says.
-page 14

Because a new character is speaking, there's a new sentence.
"So, Levi, I'm assuming you took care of the hostages?" Bianca asks, as Levi treats my eye wound.
"Yeah, they're safe now." Levi says.

btw idg how2fix

edit: wait so i give one line per dialogue? OK

Haruhitastic a dit :

(nicer banner coming soon)
Hello, and welcome one and all to the EN Writers Thread! This is the creative writing counterpart to Satash's EN Art Conversation thread ( Topic-246479 ).

what to do here;
- Talk about writing competitions, such as NaNoWriMo.
- Get help with plot points and filling plot holes
- Find inspiration for stories, poems and songs
- Get criticism on works, both TFM and non (so it doesn't clutter your thread). Please note while criticising people to be as polite and concise as possible! Don't just say "this is terrible." Offer help and make it better!

what not to do here;
- Show off your work. If it's non-TFM related, share it here ( Topic-8941 ) or make a thread for it if it's TFM related.
- Don't share superlong chapters! If it's a wall of text, I recommend putting it on a paste site like Pastebin or Paste.Moepl.eu (the latter is made by TFM's own Moepl!)

sites of interest;
Wattpad - Share your stories with others!
National Novel Writing Month - a thirty day competition in November where you write a fifty thousand word novel in thirty days! The forums are also chock full of ideas and help.
Thesarus.com - Need a different word for something? Here you go!
Write or Die by Dr. Wicked - Need a kickstart writing? Check out this online program (and also available in desktop form for a small fee) that gets you moving!
Written? Kitten! - For a cuter approach, receive a new photo of a kitten for every x amount of words you write.
Fanfiction.net - For fanfic writers and lovers alike.
Fictionpress.com - Another site to share your stories.

Any ideas for resource sites? Check with me.

---

Let's get the discussion started!

why not www.youngwriterssociety.com?

I'll go ahead and add it. In the future, don't quote my whole OP. Thanks.

Unicorm a dit :

edit: wait so i give one line per dialogue? OK

"Wait, so I give one line per dialogue?" questioned Unicorm.
"Yes," Haru replied.

Unicorm a dit :

okay so liek, i spent my day editing it so could i get some more crits please o3o
i dont want to continue writing until this chapter is perfect
also please be as harsh as possible with the crits

here

so liek i spent my evening editing this to the best of my ability
could i get moer crits pls
dont hold back
make me feel bad
make me regret ever writing this

ill crit you if you promise to freaking spell "like" correctly i s2g man

Haruhitastic a dit :

ill crit you if you promise to freaking spell "like" correctly i s2g man

ok i promise

like i still have another day to edit this before school resumes again

EDIT: also any and all plot holes i may have forgotten to fill in

EDIT: is it rly dat boring

EDIT: im assuming ive insulted you in some way so youve decided not to crit me anymore
im sorry if i offended you ;-; dont crit me anymoer pls

oh shit no no no i
really
forgot
to do it
im so sorry if you still want me to just let me knowwwwwww ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

also friendly reminder that nanowrimo is in nine days
you still have time to plot!!!

draw me-
write me

That wall of text I posted in the previous page was for NaNoWriMo

hypehypehype