so i'm bumping this up and posting this here; a critique orkezicantspellhisnameforfuckssake posted on my fanfic. i think it's something EVERY ONE OF YOU PEOPLE can learn from. i know i have.

a dit :

"The tribe house felt stuffy to Kade and he was tired of it. Stretching his arms and legs out, he decided to squeeze through the small mouse hole to the outside...but something was wrong."

ever hear the phrase "show, not tell"? what you're doing with that last sentence is showing. the first sentence as well, now that i read it again. hell, the second one too.

have you ever read a story that dragged you in and wouldn't let you go until you finished? it made your heart race, your mind whirl with possibilities, made you choke up and shed a tear, then later sigh in relief.

those sorts of stories tend to have things in common, mainly in that they don't just tell you something is happening.

in fact, they don't tell you that at all. they describe it. instead of stubbing your toe and yelling, you stumble and slam your foot into the curb. you let out a muffled shriek, or maybe a strangled curse, and knead your bruised toe to numb the pain.

both of the above get the same idea across to the reader, yes? but one lets you know what happened, while the other takes you right into the action. yes, the second one is a lot more wordy, and some of the unnecessary detail could be pared down, but that's what proofreading is for.

the introduction to your story is there to let the reader get a feel for the main character, to establish your plot, and to hurry up and wait for the action.

instead of telling us how the character is tired of being cooped up inside the tribe house, describe it. maybe the lethargy has gotten to them. maybe they need a breath of fresh air. maybe, to give us a hint as to what's going to happen next, it's quiet. /too/ quiet.
that first sentence could've been a great way to tell us kade's personality.
if they're tired of the quiet, they're probably a loud person. if they miss their friends, they're social. if they wanted some fresh air, they're an outdoorsy type, and so on and so forth.

i skimmed the rest of the chapters and they all follow the same pattern. i'd recommend going back over them with the above in mind. and hey, being descriptive gets nanowrimo finished much faster! granted, don't do purple prose. it works with some writing styles, but getting there is a long, arduous process.

hffg

can you help me with my fanfic
Topic-514021

OK, I'll try not to be so harsh here since you seem to be a new writer. Try. (btw you should also wait for ork? he seems like a great critic!)

Never use tildes in prose. That is one thing you should try to avoid almost all the time.

I don't agree with Satash when he say it's a wall of text because there's barely any text. I understand you're new, but you should try to expand more. Not purple prose of course (purple prose is when you write with too much details. Like instead of 'I typed on the keyboard' [which is too short], purple prose would be like 'I typed on the overly familiar Toshiba keyboard, which had been with me for five years. I remember the day I bought it for $800 in a Best Buy...'), but read the critique Haru posted above for some more info.

Also, you're just playing Bouboum. You're not in it. This should really be obvious. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. It's becoming a journal, like Satash said. I don't care about what you do on TFM or Bouboum. I can't see anything interesting, and the title seems cliched. Is this going to be one of those serials that could go on and on and on, like a sitcom? One which never gains a plot? That could be alright if it was actually interesting.

I said I'd TRY not to be harsh.

Look, I'm really sorry if I'm being too harsh. There's just so much that needs to be fixed. You need to add an actual plot. If the plot is 'human gets sucked into game', that's been done... twice? I have no objections to that type of plot, just telling you. But if it's just going to be this, then what's the point? That's the story's downfall. No plot. Just a journal.

You need to immerse your character in the game. And, yes, it's possible to write a TFM fanfic without it becoming 'shaman SAVES THE WORLD'. In my stories, I feature TFM elements HEAVILY (shamans, feathers, cannons, references to admins, servers etc.), yet I manage to avoid that pitfall and make it new.

Here's a few tips for writing TFM stories.

1.) If you're going to have your mouse wake up, just have him wake up. Don't be like 'I logged in to my account'.
2.) If you really want to switch in between TFM and Bouboum, I guess I could let you steal from me :P
Just make them realms which you can freely go between. You could even have a teleporter and stuff. I don't care how you incorporate it, just don't be like 'I went to my Bouboum tab' because it's incredibly cringeworthy.

Also, grammar.

Does this formatting look nice?What I'm doing right now?I don't know about you,But I'm one of those people that just goes crazy.When I see something like this.

I can't go through every typo, because there's too many.

Add a space after each sentence. This is just a fanfic, yes, but use the same grammar that your teacher in English would ask of you. Please. It's not too much work.

tl;dr:
- don't make it a journal
- grammar

I'd say it has potential, but I can't figure out what this story's about and it needs a major reformatting :/

You need a lot of work. I realize that what I'm typing is hurtful. I know how you feel. But you really, really need to listen or else no one is going to read your stuff.

Maraoone a dit :

OK, I'll try not to be so harsh here since you seem to be a new writer. Try. (btw you should also wait for ork? he seems like a great critic!)

Never use tildes in prose. That is one thing you should try to avoid almost all the time.

I don't agree with Satash when he say it's a wall of text because there's barely any text. I understand you're new, but you should try to expand more. Not purple prose of course (purple prose is when you write with too much details. Like instead of 'I typed on the keyboard' [which is too short], purple prose would be like 'I typed on the overly familiar Toshiba keyboard, which had been with me for five years. I remember the day I bought it for $800 in a Best Buy...'), but read the critique Haru posted above for some more info.

Also, you're just playing Bouboum. You're not in it. This should really be obvious. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. It's becoming a journal, like Satash said. I don't care about what you do on TFM or Bouboum. I can't see anything interesting, and the title seems cliched. Is this going to be one of those serials that could go on and on and on, like a sitcom? One which never gains a plot? That could be alright if it was actually interesting.

I said I'd TRY not to be harsh.

Look, I'm really sorry if I'm being too harsh. There's just so much that needs to be fixed. You need to add an actual plot. If the plot is 'human gets sucked into game', that's been done... twice? I have no objections to that type of plot, just telling you. But if it's just going to be this, then what's the point? That's the story's downfall. No plot. Just a journal.

You need to immerse your character in the game. And, yes, it's possible to write a TFM fanfic without it becoming 'shaman SAVES THE WORLD'. In my stories, I feature TFM elements HEAVILY (shamans, feathers, cannons, references to admins, servers etc.), yet I manage to avoid that pitfall and make it new.

Here's a few tips for writing TFM stories.

1.) If you're going to have your mouse wake up, just have him wake up. Don't be like 'I logged in to my account'.
2.) If you really want to switch in between TFM and Bouboum, I guess I could let you steal from me :P
Just make them realms which you can freely go between. You could even have a teleporter and stuff. I don't care how you incorporate it, just don't be like 'I went to my Bouboum tab' because it's incredibly cringeworthy.

Also, grammar.

Does this formatting look nice?What I'm doing right now?I don't know about you,But I'm one of those people that just goes crazy.When I see something like this.

I can't go through every typo, because there's too many.

Add a space after each sentence. This is just a fanfic, yes, but use the same grammar that your teacher in English would ask of you. Please. It's not too much work.

tl;dr:
- don't make it a journal
- grammar

I'd say it has potential, but I can't figure out what this story's about and it needs a major reformatting :/

You need a lot of work. I realize that what I'm typing is hurtful. I know how you feel. But you really, really need to listen or else no one is going to read your stuff.

ok.....yea im not a fanfic person....;;

ok so i'd like to ask for crits on this non-tfm story im currently writing
this is still the unedited shitty first draft so i'd like you to be as harsh as possible
in addition to crits, i would also like comments on character development and what you believe the highlighted characters personalities are like as of now
also i understand i have some problem with the showing and not telling and i would like some help with this as well

Unicorm a dit :

ok so i'd like to ask for crits on this non-tfm story im currently writing
this is still the unedited shitty first draft so i'd like you to be as harsh as possible
in addition to crits, i would also like comments on character development and what you believe the highlighted characters personalities are like as of now
also i understand i have some problem with the showing and not telling and i would like some help with this as well

WALL OF TEXT INCOMING BEWARE

------------------------------------

it's pretty good so far, but there's some places where it doesn't flow very well.
for example, on the second line, "That’s just life for you." sounds kind of abrupt and hard to read(?) - if that makes sense? i would change it to something like "But I guess that's just life."
towards the end of the second line, i would change the sentence to "my schoolmates, who were walking around the grassy areas and doing drugs beneath trees or whatever kids these days do."
another example in line 20 - "I looked up at his smiling face and noticed that he looked neater that day than he usually did. His glossy blonde hair was combed neatly to the side, his checkered sweater vest, made to hide his lithe torso, was neatly ironed."

--------------------------------------

there's a bit of tense skipping in line 15.
"no one’s" (could also be written as "no-one has") should be "no-one had"
"I don’t know and I don’t care." should be "I didn't know and I didn't care."

i got confused towards the end of the chapter, as to why the narrator was buying another sandwich. when i was rereading it, i understood from the end of line 37, but you may want to add an extra sentence to make it clearer.

-----------------------------------------

character personalities? the narrator sounds like an introvert, who would prefer to keep out of trouble. maybe a bit antisocial too? charlie sounds like your stereotypical popular guy, who comes across as a bit of a dick, but is really caring deep down. (and he sounds like a probable love interest too.) tony seems like everyone is intimidated by because of his size, but really, he's a nice guy.

try using character development prompts to improve your characters. imagine what each character would do in a certain situation.

-----------------------------------------

being able to show, not tell a story can make or break it.
imagine what you're describing in your head, or like you're watching it in a video, and describe what's happening.
using personification, similes or metaphors are a really good way of showing, not telling.
----
when you're writing descriptively, think about your senses. take your first scene, for example.
you've described what can be seen. what about smells? sounds? what's the atmosphere like?

here's some details you could use to help imagine the scene:
it's a monday morning, it was raining the night before, everything is muddy. the weather is overcast, there's a cold chill in the air and none of the students are exactly enthusiastic to be back. the musty smell of damp grass lingers in the air. the sound of muted chattering. some kid who has forgotten to their homework is trying to find someone who he can copy off.
-----
when someone is writing about a character, imagine a video of them. one of my biggest irks is that they always describe characters by their physical appearence. don't tell me their hair colour, eye colour and all three of their sizes.

if you want to say someone has got long blonde hair, don't say "she had long blonde hair.". if you were watching a video, describe EXACTLY what you're seeing. "a slight breeze caught the locks of her hair, golden flecks glinted off the swaying strands."

when a person is doing something, think about their personality and then their body language. how do they move? how do they talk?
try writing about someone who is nervous. they talk with stutters. their body language makes them seem awkward and uncomfortable - they shuffle their feet, they fidget, etc.

Zetsuen a dit :

wall of awesome

god bless your walls
thank you for this
i love you

double-post for bump sorry forgive me

ok so here is the 2nd draft
i based it off of zetsu's wall of text so i hope it's somewhat better
i asked my sister for crit and she said it was boring and got her uninterested instantly
how do i get my first part to be interesting to the reader yet still be in context
i need to get this first part perfectly written before i continue writing this re-write of my old story

bonus super smash bros. x shingeki no kyojin op2

V thanks haru for crit, will edit out ands and adjectives

V thanks zetsu for the short wall and im trying to make it seem like the two girls at the beginning arent too prominent but still memorable because [redacted]

a dit :

i dont read books

a dit :

hoping that day would have been a good day.

that's really redundant to me. Perhaps consider "hoping that today(/this day) would be good?"

a dit :

Impatient as he sometimes was, he began tapping his foot, his eyebrows furrowed and he bit his lip and eyed between my bag and I alternately when he suddenly pointed at something in my bag and the smile quickly came back to his face.

That is a TON of ands.
Impatient as he sometimes was, he began tapping his foot. His eyebrows furrowed and he bit his lip, his gaze shifting between my bag and I. He suddenly pointed at something in my bag, the smile returning to his face. (Or you could have your previous last line here, "quickly came back to his face" just felt odd to me)

? This seems to flow easier for me, while the other is a bit of a rollercoaster.
I'm liking what I'm seeing but personally I think there's a loooot of adjectives, which while is good sometimes can't be, echoes of "Twilight" for me haha.
It seems good otherwise~ I don't wanna be nitpicky.

Well I don't really know what to think about my writing.
I haven't gotten a lot of comments or posts about it. From my poll, I can tell many people are not interested and I'm not going to force them to read it but I want to know why it can seem so unappealing and improvements to be made
Here it is: Topic-570698
Last flag
I know it's not the best but any comments/critiques will be greatly appreciated

Unicorm a dit :

double-post for bump sorry forgive me

ok so here is the 2nd draft
i based it off of zetsu's wall of text so i hope it's somewhat better
i asked my sister for crit and she said it was boring and got her uninterested instantly
how do i get my first part to be interesting to the reader yet still be in context
i need to get this first part perfectly written before i continue writing this re-write of my old story

bonus super smash bros. x shingeki no kyojin op2

V thanks haru for crit, will edit out ands and adjectives

it's a lot better than before gj

maybe watch your pacing??
take more time to describe important scenes, like when a character is first introduced, than scenes that aren't that important. you might want to shorten the first bit of dialogue between those two girls, because i'm guessing they're not even minor characters, they're just there to advance the plot, so they don't need such a detailed description. ((it's a nice description though - it would be a shame to waste it, so maybe you could something similar for a major character??))

i don't think it's boring but i guess it's just a matter of opinion
try using more narrative hooks at the beginning to catch the reader's attention? the foreshadowing was good, but you could always add more stuff like that
if you read a lot, look at the openings of your favourite stories and see what makes it want you to carry on reading

Kattiej a dit :

Well I don't really know what to think about my writing.
I haven't gotten a lot of comments or posts about it. From my poll, I can tell many people are not interested and I'm not going to force them to read it but I want to know why it can seem so unappealing and improvements to be made
Here it is: Topic-570698
Last flag
I know it's not the best but any comments/critiques will be greatly appreciated

uuu uuhh this might be a little harsh sorry

----------------------------------------

some grammar issues:

- lots of your sentences begin with pro/nouns like "I", "the tree", "they" etc. ((especially in the prologue)) - use some discourse markers at the beginning of each sentence!

- again, this is more common in your prologue, but a lot of your sentences are really basic, simple sentences. use clauses or connectives to make your sentences more complex

- you might want to proofread occasionally - i noticed there's incorrect and/or missing punctuation in many places. there's also a few wording errors. ((check your first sentence, even!!))

----------------------------------------

content issues:

- this is just my own opinion, so don't change the story, but i think that the "player" should be described more as a mysterious force than a "god". if you think about it from the mouse's PoV, it wouldn't really know anything about the "player", so a vague-sounding "force" seems to suit the "player", more than a "god", which is quite clear and direct.
----------
- stop using so many rhetorical questions - it's really good to use one every so often, but not if half your story is made of rhetorical questions. why can't you keep using questions? doesn't it lose it's effect? doesn't it get very repetitive? won't your readers get bored of this? could you read a whole story like this? don't you lose interest? are you reading these properly? did you skim read any of these? do you see what i mean?
---------
- oh my god please stay away from cliches whatever you do

a dit :

We were closer than two peas in a pod.

---------
- i know it's from the mouse's PoV, but it sounds more like the mouse is talking to an audience. a lot of your sentences sound like they're addressing the reader!! remember, you're writing from the mouse's PoV - why would they be addressing someone else?
take this, for example:

a dit :

I'm an old mouse, I've seen many things and said many things. I've had experiences that I'll never forget.

i'm assuming the mouse is thinking this? but why would they need to think about this? why would they need to tell themselves stuff that they already know?? ((do you tell yourself in your head, how old you are?))
----------
- this kinda ties in, but SHOW, don't TELL. i wrote about this somewhere up ^ there, but the main idea of showing, not telling is to DESCRIBE what the narrator is seeing, not TELLING the reader what the narrator is seeing.

a dit :

I HATE THAT GOD FOR DOING IT!

don't write "I hate them.", because you're telling me you hate them, not showing it. describe HOW you hate them. what do they make you FEEL?
here's an exercise for you: write a short paragraph describing someone you love, without using the word "love" or "like".

I kinda wanted it to make it sound like the mouse was telling us about his life. That's why it said its age.
Thanks for everything though

Haruhitastic a dit :

that's really redundant to me. Perhaps consider "hoping that today(/this day) would be good?"


That is a TON of ands.
Impatient as he sometimes was, he began tapping his foot. His eyebrows furrowed and he bit his lip, his gaze shifting between my bag and I. He suddenly pointed at something in my bag, the smile returning to his face. (Or you could have your previous last line here, "quickly came back to his face" just felt odd to me)

? This seems to flow easier for me, while the other is a bit of a rollercoaster.
I'm liking what I'm seeing but personally I think there's a loooot of adjectives, which while is good sometimes can't be, echoes of "Twilight" for me haha.
It seems good otherwise~ I don't wanna be nitpicky.

Zetsuen a dit :

it's a lot better than before gj

maybe watch your pacing??
take more time to describe important scenes, like when a character is first introduced, than scenes that aren't that important. you might want to shorten the first bit of dialogue between those two girls, because i'm guessing they're not even minor characters, they're just there to advance the plot, so they don't need such a detailed description. ((it's a nice description though - it would be a shame to waste it, so maybe you could something similar for a major character??))

i don't think it's boring but i guess it's just a matter of opinion
try using more narrative hooks at the beginning to catch the reader's attention? the foreshadowing was good, but you could always add more stuff like that
if you read a lot, look at the openings of your favourite stories and see what makes it want you to carry on reading
uuu uuhh this might be a little harsh sorry

thank you both for the lovely crits, i will use them and i will not ask for a third crit for a while as i would like to continue writing a bit more even if it isnt the best it can be yet and i dont want to keep asking repeatedly over and over again just wasting your time with the same material over and over again

will edit out ands and adjectives
im trying to make it seem like the two girls at the beginning arent too prominent but still memorable because [redacted]
i dont read books
also harsh crits are best crits <3

youre free to ask for as many crits as you want handsome, im just glad someone's using this thread :*

its an op ed for english.. NOT DONE. just ayudame. idk what im doing. NOT TOO HARH PLEASE
AND YES. I DIDNT WRITE A CONCLUSION YET. or did i. i suck at conclusioning.

Advertisements are just plain useless and annoying. They aren’t even effective in the slightest. Have you actually ever thought about buying a new Corolla, switching to Geico or drinking Pepsi just because of an ad? I definitely haven’t. Those Bounty towel commercials and random nail polish commercials just annoy me to death when I am left hanging on the life or death moment of a TV show or super pumped to watch a YouTube video.

Even Facebook, one of the most popular social networking sites, believes that their ads are too annoying. In "MIT Technology Review", the article stated that today (September 27, 2013), the company admitted that its ad targeting technology needs work". Even an extremely popular site with over 1.19 billion active users doesn't have proper ad targeting technology. I mean, if Facebook doesn't have it, how can other companies? The article even says that others "have claimed its ad targeting could work.” Others have believed in Facebook, but obviously, we all have been let down.

Adults are not the only people affected by these annoying ads. When I surveyed a class of eighth grade students, 88% thought that advertisements were constantly annoying them in media. And guess what? According to USA Today, advertisements have an 80% failure rate! This means that only 20% of advertisements actually affect the audience.

I guess Geico won’t be celebrating Hump Day anymore.

I asked two people if they ever have been annoyed by advertisements and they both responded with a clear yes. Emily said, “When I am watching videos, it seems like every 10 seconds there is another advertisement that pops up. I don’t care about those ads!” Evidently, she just ignores the ads, adding to the 80% failure rate. I also interviewed Vivian, who said, “I was watching a TV show and at an intense moment, I was rudely interrupted by a nail polish and hair curling ad that repeated twice and had absolutely nothing to do with my TV show.”

It seems like the whole market is marking its approval for advertisements. Except us. When I log onto Gmail, I see an ads on the top of my inbox. When I log onto Facebook, I see around 5 more ads in my news feed. When I open a harmless article, disturbing videos and ads that I would rather not see show up. When I open just about any app, 3 pop-ups bombard me ad once. And most of the time, these advertisements are about anything from dating to dog food. Even though I’m not at all interested in dating right now, and don’t even own a dog. It feels like I can’t go three minutes without seeing another ad unless I’m sleeping.

Nowadays, advertisements seem as if they are inevitable. They are annoying. They are useless. They are not related. They are laced into our lives and we cannot escape the wrath of them. And to the advertisements out there, GO AWAY!

bump cuz i would really like a critique

You're writing it in too childish of a point of view.

And to the advertisements out there, GO AWAY!
Ditch this right here. ^ It makes you look ten.

why the hell does it repeat tho i am beyond confused

Haruhitastic a dit :

You're writing it in too childish of a point of view.

And to the advertisements out there, GO AWAY!
Ditch this right here. ^ It makes you look ten.

why the hell does it repeat tho i am beyond confused

lol ok and what do you mean by repeat? o.o oh i guess that was a typo. idk.

Advertisements are just plain useless and annoying. They aren’t even effective in the slightest. Have you actually ever thought about buying a new Corolla, switching to Geico or drinking Pepsi just because of an ad? I definitely haven’t. Those Bounty towel commercials and random nail polish commercials just annoy me to death when I am left hanging on the life or death moment of a TV show or super pumped to watch a YouTube video.

then it goes to

I guess Geico won’t be celebrating Hump Day anymore.

Advertisements are just plain useless and annoying. They aren’t even effective in the slightest. Have you actually ever thought about buying a new Corolla, switching to Geico or drinking Pepsi just because of an ad? I definitely haven’t. Those Bounty towel commercials and random nail polish commercials just annoy me to death when I am left hanging on the life or death moment of a TV show or super pumped to watch a YouTube video.

????

Haruhitastic a dit :

Advertisements are just plain useless and annoying. They aren’t even effective in the slightest. Have you actually ever thought about buying a new Corolla, switching to Geico or drinking Pepsi just because of an ad? I definitely haven’t. Those Bounty towel commercials and random nail polish commercials just annoy me to death when I am left hanging on the life or death moment of a TV show or super pumped to watch a YouTube video.

then it goes to

I guess Geico won’t be celebrating Hump Day anymore.

Advertisements are just plain useless and annoying. They aren’t even effective in the slightest. Have you actually ever thought about buying a new Corolla, switching to Geico or drinking Pepsi just because of an ad? I definitely haven’t. Those Bounty towel commercials and random nail polish commercials just annoy me to death when I am left hanging on the life or death moment of a TV show or super pumped to watch a YouTube video.

????

yea when i copied it something went wrong. that was just a typo sorry.