Conwolf a dit :

its an op ed for english.. NOT DONE. just ayudame. idk what im doing. NOT TOO HARH PLEASE
AND YES. I DIDNT WRITE A CONCLUSION YET. or did i. i suck at conclusioning.

Okay, what'd be helpful here is what exactly you're getting marks on. I have no idea what an "op ed" is. What is the question? I assume you're trying to persuade the reader, because that's definitely not a balanced viewpoint on adverts, so I'll try and crit it based on that.

Conwolf a dit :

Advertisements are just plain useless and annoying. They aren’t even effective in the slightest. Have you actually ever thought about buying a new Corolla, switching to Geico or drinking Pepsi just because of an ad? I definitely haven’t. Those Bounty towel commercials and random nail polish commercials just annoy me to death when I am left hanging on the life or death moment of a TV show or super pumped to watch a YouTube video.

When you persuade, you want to make the reader think about his/her own experiences in relation to what you're talking about. The rhetorical question is good but the rest seems too personalised to relate to. Rather than "me" and "I" try "How do you feel when [insert this happens]" or, to avoid too many questions, mention how it affects others. Set a scene for them to imagine - make them put themselves in the position of having their show interrupted by an advert and describe the negatives of how they'd feel.

Conwolf a dit :

Even Facebook, one of the most popular social networking sites, believes that their ads are too annoying. In "MIT Technology Review", the article stated that today (September 27, 2013), the company admitted that its ad targeting technology needs work". Even an extremely popular site with over 1.19 billion active users doesn't have proper ad targeting technology. I mean, if Facebook doesn't have it, how can other companies? The article even says that others "have claimed its ad targeting could work.” Others have believed in Facebook, but obviously, we all have been let down.

You've used the word "annoying" a bit too much here and above. Try to swap it with synonyms such as "irritating", "infuriating" etc.
It's good you've provided an example but you don't seem to have properly analysed it.
Ad targeting has got nothing to do with adverts in general being a pain, it means the site puts up adverts it believes you would be interested in from things you've searched or other means. When FB mentioned its technology isn't good, I believe it actually meant it wasn't properly finding what people cared about from whatever technique they were employing.
Put simply, companies themselves can't do this because they're just advertising their product. It's generally the site's responsibility to make sure it's seen by people who're interested.
"Others have believed in Facebook". Who? Backing up your statements with evidence is key to hammering your point across.

Conwolf a dit :

Adults are not the only people affected by these annoying ads. When I surveyed a class of eighth grade students, 88% thought that advertisements were constantly annoying them in media. And guess what? According to USA Today, advertisements have an 80% failure rate! This means that only 20% of advertisements actually affect the audience.

I guess Geico won’t be celebrating Hump Day anymore.

First paragraph is good, just avoid overuse of word annoying. It's also good you've elaborated with "this means that" but go on to say something like "which begs the question, how useful are they to companies anyway?" or "proving that the vast majority of adverts really are a waste of time". As I said before, continually mention your main point. Keep referring to it.
Also, who is Geico? Expand on this. Your audience needs to understand what you're talking about.

Conwolf a dit :

I asked two people if they ever have been annoyed by advertisements and they both responded with a clear yes. Emily said, “When I am watching videos, it seems like every 10 seconds there is another advertisement that pops up. I don’t care about those ads!” Evidently, she just ignores the ads, adding to the 80% failure rate. I also interviewed Vivian, who said, “I was watching a TV show and at an intense moment, I was rudely interrupted by a nail polish and hair curling ad that repeated twice and had absolutely nothing to do with my TV show.”

Rather than "adding", I'd say "providing evidence for". She may not necessarily be adding to it.
Also, I'm unsure if this really has a place here. In general, when someone writes a persuasive article, they don't mention others they talked to because it's easy to just make it all up or asked biased friends. It's not really convincing.

Conwolf a dit :

It seems like the whole market is marking its approval for advertisements. Except us. When I log onto Gmail, I see an ads on the top of my inbox. When I log onto Facebook, I see around 5 more ads in my news feed. When I open a harmless article, disturbing videos and ads that I would rather not see show up. When I open just about any app, 3 pop-ups bombard me ad once. And most of the time, these advertisements are about anything from dating to dog food. Even though I’m not at all interested in dating right now, and don’t even own a dog. It feels like I can’t go three minutes without seeing another ad unless I’m sleeping.

Again, a bit personalised for your argument. I would say it's best to refer to the community as a whole and use words such as "we" or "practically all people seem to feel that", etc. Just something to make the audience feel like they're involved. Like it's THEIR problem, not just yours. Sure, they may use Facebook, but only saying "I" and "me" won't impact as greatly as saying "you have to deal with" or similar.

Conwolf a dit :

Nowadays, advertisements seem as if they are inevitable. They are annoying. They are useless. They are not related. They are laced into our lives and we cannot escape the wrath of them. And to the advertisements out there, GO AWAY!

To conclude, it would be best to summarise all your points with evidence. Mention the fact that companies often don't benefit from adverts, this reminds the reader that not only are they useless to them but to the company as well.

To add, I think you should also mention an often used straw man counter argument against your points. E.g. that there's an argument adverts aren't solely to get you to buy the product but rather to raise awareness of its existence and make it more recognisable and are therefore, in this way, useful to the company.
Attack this or a different argument with your own points.

Okay, so i'm not finished with this and I only started on the first few parts, but i'd rather see what's wrong with it now than type out the whole story and find out there's a whole bunch of errors in it >_<

I woke up and got out of my bed, feeling sweaty and hot. As I was going down the stairs, I heard footsteps; loud, creaky, footsteps. I slowly walked down to the bottom of the staircase and peered around the corner. Sure enough, there the shadowed figure was, searching for any possessions I had left of my mother and father, after the “accident” happened.
I anxiously looked around, desperately looking around for an exit. “There must be a door or a window or something down here!” I cursed under my breath. When, all of a sudden, I saw it. The thing that could get me out of here alive, the back door! I turned to quietly walk towards it, but my mind realized my mistake before my body did. As I stepped I stepped with too much force, and the man heard me.
I turned and tried to run as fast as I could, but my legs slipped out from beneath me, like they were saying “I give up.” I was cornered. The showed man slowly walked towards me, cloak covering his cruel face and savoring the terror on my face. I tried to stand up and tried to run again, but The dark hooded man forcefully pushed me down, hard. I remember hitting the end of a closet door. And then, the blackness swallowed me and that was the last thing I saw.

Unicorm a dit :

thank you both for the lovely crits, i will use them and i will not ask for a third crit for a while as i would like to continue writing a bit more even if it isnt the best it can be yet and i dont want to keep asking repeatedly over and over again just wasting your time with the same material over and over again

will edit out ands and adjectives
im trying to make it seem like the two girls at the beginning arent too prominent but still memorable because [redacted]
i dont read books
also harsh crits are best crits &amp;amp;lt;3

sshshh nono ask for crits whenever you want to i'm glad you even find mine useful

Supastarx a dit :

Okay, so i'm not finished with this and I only started on the first few parts, but i'd rather see what's wrong with it now than type out the whole story and find out there's a whole bunch of errors in it &amp;gt;_&amp;lt;

I woke up and got out of my bed, feeling sweaty and hot. As I was going down the stairs, I heard footsteps; loud, creaky, footsteps. I slowly walked down to the bottom of the staircase and peered around the corner. Sure enough, there the shadowed figure was, searching for any possessions I had left of my mother and father, after the “accident” happened.
I anxiously looked around, desperately looking around for an exit. “There must be a door or a window or something down here!” I cursed under my breath. When, all of a sudden, I saw it. The thing that could get me out of here alive, the back door! I turned to quietly walk towards it, but my mind realized my mistake before my body did. As I stepped I stepped with too much force, and the man heard me.
I turned and tried to run as fast as I could, but my legs slipped out from beneath me, like they were saying “I give up.” I was cornered. The showed man slowly walked towards me, cloak covering his cruel face and savoring the terror on my face. I tried to stand up and tried to run again, but The dark hooded man forcefully pushed me down, hard. I remember hitting the end of a closet door. And then, the blackness swallowed me and that was the last thing I saw.

i'm assuming this is the very beginning? it would be nice to have a small descriptive paragraph or sentence to help set the scene and atmosphere

@Supastarx
When you use quotation marks, normally a new paragraph should be made with only those quotes and sentences immediately related to it (for instance how her mental tone was or something like that).
So it should look a little something like this...

Supastarx a dit :

I woke up and got out of my bed, feeling sweaty and hot. As I was going down the stairs, I heard footsteps; loud, creaky, footsteps. I slowly walked down to the bottom of the staircase and peered around the corner. Sure enough, there the shadowed figure was, searching for any possessions I had left of my mother and father, after the “accident” happened.

I anxiously looked around, desperately looking around for an exit. “There must be a door or a window or something down here!” I cursed under my breath.

When, all of a sudden, I saw it. The thing that could get me out of here alive, the back door! I turned to quietly walk towards it, but my mind realized my mistake before my body did. As I stepped I stepped with too much force, and the man heard me.

Also, it's unclear whether that is how you're trying to describe her speech or she is saying that and then cursed under her breath. If the former, it is not a curse because it's not a swear word or isn't something expressed /because/ of annoyance (e.g. "oh dear lord"). She may be annoyed but the speech is about her trying to find an exit.

Supastarx a dit :

I turned and tried to run as fast as I could, but my legs slipped out from beneath me, like they were saying “I give up.” I was cornered. The [url=]showed[/url] man slowly walked towards me, cloak covering his cruel face and savoring the terror on my face. I tried to stand up and tried to run again, but [url=]The[/url] dark hooded man forcefully pushed me down, hard. I remember hitting the end of a closet door. And then, the blackness swallowed me and that was the last thing I saw.

*shadowed
*the

Supastarx a dit :

I anxiously looked around, desperately looking around for an exit.

I'm sorry if this seems like nitpicking but I'd try to avoid using words twice in the same sentence. Perhaps "searching for an exit" would be more appropriate.

Supastarx a dit :

As I stepped I stepped with too much force, and the man heard me.

Same thing here. Perhaps consider something like "the force with which I stepped was too great".

Supastarx a dit :

Okay, so i'm not finished with this and I only started on the first few parts, but i'd rather see what's wrong with it now than type out the whole story and find out there's a whole bunch of errors in it &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;_&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;

I woke up and got out of my bed, feeling sweaty and hot. As I was going down the stairs, I heard footsteps; loud, creaky, footsteps. I slowly walked down to the bottom of the staircase and peered around the corner. Sure enough, there the shadowed figure was, searching for any possessions I had left of my mother and father, after the “accident” happened.
I anxiously looked around, desperately looking around for an exit. “There must be a door or a window or something down here!” I cursed under my breath. When, all of a sudden, I saw it. The thing that could get me out of here alive, the back door! I turned to quietly walk towards it, but my mind realized my mistake before my body did. As I stepped I stepped with too much force, and the man heard me.

The use of "I" is really repetitive. It's way over used in these 2 paragraphs.
______
" I had left of my mother and father, after the “accident” happened. "
Shouldn't it be "I had left from my mother and father, after the "accident" happened."
_____
In the first paragraph you never describe how she feels as she is going downstairs. You mention she is sweaty and hot waking up but how did she feel as she was going downstairs? There is no indication, it would make it more interesting if you said how scared and terrified (whatever) she felt. You don't have to necessarily SAY it, you could also SHOW it. You could SHOW it by saying something like "my hands trembled", "I had chills all over", "my legs went numb".

---

a dit :

I was cornered. The showed man slowly walked towards me, cloak covering his cruel face and savoring the terror on my face.

"the showed man"
Don't you mean the shadowed man?
--
This is really nit-picky and totally my own opinion but maybe you can consider it:

a dit :

"I remember hitting the end of a closet door. And then, the blackness swallowed me and that was the last thing I saw."

I'm pretty sure you don't need to write "and that was the last thing I saw" because you already mentioned "blackness swallowed me" and it just seems really repetitive. Then the next paragraph you could start with something like "when I finally woke up".
Don't give too much away! You still have to let the reader infer and make predictions on their own.
___

*Sorry I said "she", as far as I know, the narrator could be a male.
*Also you don't have to use the examples I gave you, feel free to use your own

aah wow thank you guys so much!

Doitsudoitsu a dit :

crit

wowow thank you so much. It really helped ^^ by the way, op ed is opinion editorial.

Wow, OK, so I feel like a complete idiot right now. My mind isn't working.
Would it be;
"however, past head injury"
or "however, passed head injury"
Past, right? I just can't think right now

Nezumini a dit :

Wow, OK, so I feel like a complete idiot right now. My mind isn't working.
Would it be;
"however, past head injury"
or "however, passed head injury"
Past, right? I just can't think right now

past

Soakitup a dit :

past

Oh, okay, good. Thanks.

im sorry but im back
this is more or less the same story as before but it's been brutally edited into something else
http://pastebin.com/0hQqVbkU
highlights on character development, description, and flow/pacing would be much appreciated
and ive already requested for my previous post to be moderated

Okay so I'm gonna write a story and I will Take any suggestions because I love to hear other peoples oppinions!

Skymouseeee a dit :

Okay so I'm gonna write a story and I will Take any suggestions because I love to hear other peoples oppinions!

Of course, of course, we'd be glad to help ^^.

Unicorm a dit :

im sorry but im back
this is more or less the same story as before but it's been brutally edited into something else
http://pastebin.com/0hQqVbkU
highlights on character development, description, and flow/pacing would be much appreciated
and ive already requested for my previous post to be moderated

breezy winds... wind = breeze in most cases, so this is redundant
seems okey doke otherwise imo o/

hello friends I am rewriting one of my best stories as well as writing a new one
I will show the beginning of the new one later for help but I don't think I've written enough yet
as for the rewritten story I am doing, it is a bit too long for me to post right here, but I only want a certain section looked over for now cause I don't want to overwhelm others with reading or overwhelm myself with critique
also i know this is not really in context
just take it out of context; i really want critique on the writing and sentence structure, not so much the story
oh and if i missed any grammar mistakes lol
okai so here [sorry if it's a lot]:

I had been above this void, running around on something soft. There was a weight on my back; cheese, that’s right… I had been with a few other mice. Yes, that’s right, I’m a mouse. Their names had been long forgotten, but I continued to process through the memory. Suddenly, there had been screaming, blasting through my ears. I would have shuddered at the remembrance, but I was much too weak. Those bloodcurdling cries… I had known something was wrong. Something was horribly, horribly wrong. I looked around, searching for my friends, only to find them gone. Turning my head even more, panicking and taking on one last view of the sky above me with the swirling oranges, blues, and whites of the clouds, my vision was suddenly filled with black. I hadn’t passed out. There were still lights and hues, but all of it was grayscale, except for the bright red stripes on the sides.

Suddenly, I realized I was falling over, pain shooting through my limbs as I felt the pressure of another mouse colliding with me. I screamed as I fell, the shock instantly spreading through me, not expecting the sudden collision at all. My eyes shut closed as I felt the force come closer. A striking hurt exploded from my shoulders as they hit the ground roughly, and I cried out. After letting the initial pain fade away, I swiftly opened my eyes. Two eyes were staring down at me, their eyebrows slanted downwards in pure, ultimate anger, the irises narrowed. The second thing I spotted were the markings of a shaman; a magical mouse. He had stripes along his body, as well as rings, adorned by two feathers on his head. The third thing I spotted… Wait… Was that…?

Panic instantly filled me, starting from my heart and shooting down through my veins, captivating my whole body. I filled with sweat and my skin grew hot as I was being pinned by this shaman, their unused, three paws holding me down as I writhed and squirmed, trying to make it out of this alive. In their occupied paw held a cannonball; a white arrow painted on it’s side, pointing directly towards me. I could not believe it; I had been having fun with friends, and now I was about to die…

My eyes widened to the point where it hurt, filled with fear. My left paw lifted up against the shaman’s right paw. I writhed underneath his black fur, trying to get him away, but to no avail. I kicked and screamed and cried, the tears quickly falling from my eyes, burning my skin. It stung. This couldn’t be the end… No. NO. I had to escape, I had to get away. I heard news stories of other mice getting killed all the time, but would this really become me? My life flashed before my eyes. All my friends, my family, everything I had ever seen or heard… Was it all going to become meaningless; worth nothing? Was this really, truly the end?

---

eee okay that's the end of that section
thanks in advance uvu

Okay so I will tell you all what I have so far for my story and it is not transformice related it's cat related.


(Wow, it's so cold. There's no where to go.... why did I have to leave my warm cave?) I thought as I wandered through the forest during a blizzard. I was only a kit name Skykit my mother died when I was old enough to eat prey. Now I have to hunt for myself in the middle of leaf-bare because my father was eaten by foxes. (There's no prey anywhere is this how it all ends? Will I freeze to death or starve to death? Who knows a fox or badger might eat me.) My whole body was shaking violently from the cold. My paws were numb and I couldn't feel them. I though all hope was lost until I heard it. The sound of my sister calling to my. She was out here too. I wanted to call out to her but I was so cold I couldn't open my mouth. As the blizzard started to clear I finally collapsed exhausted and frozen everything was starting to go dark. I could see my sisters faint outline but she was too far away. (Goodbye world. Mother I will be reunited with you once again in the sky...) Then everything went black...

When I woke up I was still too tired to move. I was surrounded by a familiar scent and suddenly it hit me! The scent belonged to my sister! She had found me!"How did you find me?" I asked her.
"When the blizzard stopped I found you lying in a pile of snow you were freezing cold and your eyes were closed, I thought you were dead!" she mewed in reply. For a moment we just stared at eachother and it felt like seasons and seasons had passed until she finally said something.
"Well I will be back soon I'm going to hunt"
"Out there? You can't! What if the blizzard starts agan!?" I wailed.
"It won't, I promise" She mewed before nudging aside some vines and disapearing outside.

I am also writing a transformice related story so here it is so far.


I could smell it. I was so close. I knew it was here. I just couldn't see it. Maybe I could find it and take it before anyone else smelled it. The others might catch me and tear me apart for it though. Oh I almost forgot my name is Tiny and I'm a mouse. Yes a mouse. My mother and father were eaten by a cat protecting me, so I'm alone. No brothers. No sisters. Just a pile of strange mice I met a few days after my parents died. We were always looking for cheese but never found any. Then I bumped into something.
"Eek!" I squeaked in surprise. It was cheese! I took a big bite. It has been so long since I last ate cheese!

@Kiyokichan you mentioned that 3 of the shaman's paws are "unoccupied", but then you went on to say that they were being used to hold down whoever is being held down... how does that work?